#161....Easter Sunday, 2019

      Today is Easter Sunday, April 21, 2019.
     I had a wonderful  Easter with my husband, my in-laws, and my nieces.
      Leading up to it, the days before, was pure Hell.  I spent yesterday morning, the day before Easter, in the Emergency Room.
     For 2 days, I vomited, had diarrhea, could not sleep, and when I did, it was nightmares.  I was clammy, hot and cold, hot and cold.   I was dehydrated, my blood pressure was high, my blood sugar rising.   I was shivering, shaking, panicking.    I was getting confused.
       The nurses gave me liquid IV fluids , Zofran, which kills nausea, and Ativan, a tranquilizer , to stop my anxiety and shaking. I felt a lot better, after that, when I got home to take my medications.              There are like 12 medications that I take, several of them, psychiatric meds.  I was so confused at the hospital, that I could not tell them which drugs that  I take.
     I have  had such a rough road this past year  or two.   When I was in my 20's, I had bad migraines, that were originally diagnosed as seizures,   I would get confused and lose consciousness.
     After that my illnesses were mainly psychiatric.  I spent several stays in psychiatric wards. 
I was diagnosed as having Schizoaffective Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression, Anxiety Disorder.
    Once I hit my middle 40's, I began to develop physical symptoms.   I went through menopause starting at 44.  I developed Diabetes, as the result of a psychiatric drug. 
     Around  50, my Diabetes got bad and I developed Diabetes Ketoacidosis, which came close to killing me.   After that,  I developed Gastroparesis....I hope that it is spelled right.   It is related to Diabetes, and basically means that my stomach is not doing its job....it is so slow.
     I find myself sad and confused at times.   I am grateful to be alive still, but overwhelmed at the weights that I must carry.

#160......Please Lord.....Take Away The Pain

   I have been trying to write new posts, but I feel will like I have failed.  For over a year.
   I have been self-absorbed, in my physical health.
   But truthfully, I have been suffering, emotionally and mentally.
    Physically, I have had Diabetes Type 2 for like 11 or 12 years.   But, in  late January, 2018, I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis.  My blood sugar escalated, I could not stop vomiting, I had diarrhea, I was incredibly thirsty, but the scary part was that I had water on the brain, and brain swelling.  Honestly, I felt close to dying.  I spent 4 days in the Intensive Care Unit.
     In  July of 2018, I was hospitalized  , for a kidney infection.  And then in November, 2018, I was hospitalized for another kidney infection.   I thought that emotionally, that I  was doing OK.
      Yeah, right.......
      My husband kept telling me that my "My Closet Door In My Brain" was about to open.   I didn't believe him.  And then, within the past week, I watched a program about Michael Jackson's Neverland.  It described, by victims how Michael Jackson had violated them.
      This completely set me off.....I fell apart,  remembering how I have been sexually abused by my sperm donor and 5 other men.
      Oh, my Lord.....please take away the pain.....I am dying inside.