I have been writing my blog, for close to 2 years now.  I consider it to be my biggest accomplishment in life, at this point.  In truth, I am exposing my mind and feelings to the WORLD.
     I am giving a glimpse into the mind of someone who is a Survivor of both Serious Mental Illness, and PTSD.  This has required a lot of vulnerability, on my behalf.  But, so far, it has been worth it.
     I haven't been writing as much, over the past few months.  There are a few reasons for this.  Maybe I should explain myself.
     Sometimes, life goes smoothly and I feel that: "There is nothing interesting to report".  But in reality, I should write about the good times.
     Sometimes, I feel that "Nobody really, truly wants to hear about my life", so I don't feel worthy enough to write.
     Some things, I simply can't talk about, because the thoughts are too painful.  I just can't share them.  And some of these things are just too controversial.
     It has not been an easy journey, putting my thoughts out there, for all of the Internet to see.

     Life has been going pretty well for me, at this point.   My wonderful husband took me on another adventure, in late November.  It did have a couple of tear-filled moments, but it was wonderful, nonetheless.
     We rented a little log cabin again, in the Berkshires of Massachusetts.  There was no television, or internet, or phone service in our cabin, only electricity and a wood stove.  Honestly, this escape, was amazingly restful.
     During our stay, we went to 3 museums, the Yankee Candle Village, a pub, and also a local restaurant / lounge.  My husband drove us hundreds of miles to view the beautiful landscape and mountains.  We even drove through Vermont.  My husband cooked our meals, over a fire, and we listened to a lot of favorite music, through an iPad.  It was magical, and even snowed while we were there.
     Like I said before, there were tears, from me, on 2 occasions.  On one particular day, we went to a museum, and then went to lunch.  My husband drove us to another Museum, to visit, and I broke down.  "I can't do this", I said.  I had had enough stimulation and excitement in one day.  I discovered that I am a "2 place"  kind of person.  When it comes to anything, that I consider very stimulating, even basic shopping errands, I am totally done, after going to 2 places.  After this, I desire to return to my "cocoon", my home, where I feel comforted and safe.  So, we returned to the 2nd museum, on another day, which worked out well.
     And on the last day of our little cabin stay, I cried again.  I did not want to leave the beautiful experience of our little cabin stay in the woods.  I felt like a little kid and was very surprised by the fact that I broke down.  But my wonderful husband explained it to me in his wonderful way.  "You were starting to feel so safe here, so at-home, in our little log cabin.  Of course you don't want to leave", he said.
 

     I have had a lot of trouble sleeping lately, and I have found that this leads to bad things.  I am learning, that it is stress, to my body & mind, that causes my psychosis.
     Just recently, I had been awake for about 40 hours.  I was so tired and also sub-consciously stressed out.  I tried to go to sleep, but my mind was wandering off, on it's own.  I found myself terrified that we would be murdered in our sleep by machete-wielding assassins.  I did not sleep all night long, as I waited for my house to get broken into, and my murderers to strike.
    I did not want to wake my husband, though, now, I realize, that I really should have woke him up and expressed my fears.  He has a way of calming me.  
    But once again, I hid my fears and emotions, because, honestly, deep down, I knew, that it was "crazy".    I keep telling myself, that I must talk about my feelings, but I wonder if people really understand.
     When I experience paranoia and psychosis, my "fight or flight" instincts take over.  I become so terrified of unreal things.
     Yet, if you just happened to meet me, you'd  never expect my mind of having such glitches.

     In case, you are new at reading my blog entitled "My Uncomfortable Mind", I will tell you a little about it.
I have been writing it for more than a year, and it contains 80, very personal journal entries about my life.
What makes it so personal, is that I have Schizoaffective Disorder, & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
     Schizoaffective Disorder, is often classified as a Mood Disorder, because it affects a person's mood. People who live with it, suffer from depression, or BiPolar Disorder.  Sometimes, however, it is classified as a form of Schizophrenia, because it also causes psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, etc.  Basically, its a double whammy.
     My PTSD, is caused by childhood abuse.  This includes verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
I am also a survivor of domestic abuse.
      Over the decades, I have evolved, through the support of Psychiatrists, Therapists, Supports groups, hospitals, peers, and many types of psychoactive medications.  The journey has been so difficult, but now, I am willing to conquer the struggles.  In past years, I wanted so badly, to give up, and "throw in the towel", as they say.
     Now that I am stronger, I started this blog, for several reasons.
I want other people, who suffer like me, to realize that they are not alone in the world.
I want "normal" people to see into the mind, of someone who battles illnesses of the emotions and mind, and learn from this.
I want to bring awareness to the illnesses of Schizoaffective Disorder & PTSD.
And I want to soothe my own mind, by releasing my thoughts and experiences.
     I hope that you will read it, and share it around the world.  Pretty Please?!

     I had another nightmare very recently.  I have had a hard time deciding, if I should write about it.
It is like my other nightmares, highly disturbing.   As you know, I have PTSD, and the main cause of this, was childhood sexual abuse, by my own father.  So, brace yourself, before reading further.
     In this nightmare, I dreamed that a dark-haired man was on top of me, having sexual intercourse with me.  It was so real, that I could actually physically feel it happening.  After the sex ended, I cuddled up against him and hugged him.  He suddenly, said to me:  "We can't do this again".  I said:  "Why not?".   The dark-haired man's answer was: "Because, I am your father, that's why".  I became shocked and hysterical, at this point screaming and crying, saying over and over:  "Daddy, I'll forgive you, for molesting me, please, I just want you to love me!!
      All I ever wanted from my father was real father / daughter love and acceptance.  But, sadly, he was an abusive sociopath, and that will never happen.  I thought that I was coming to terms with this, by my soul still seems to disagree.  I'm 46 years old now.  I'm beginning to think that it will never fully go away.

     In all honesty, just last week, I felt, as if my world was caving in.
     Three weeks ago, I was having auditory  hallucinations, I was hearing my name being called repeatedly, and I was hearing screaming.  This started while my husband was away, in China, on a business trip.  I also felt paranoid, afraid that I would be murdered by strangers breaking into my house.
     Naturally, I was frightened, but felt too ashamed to tell anyone else.  People, look at you funny, when you tell them that you're hearing voices.  I assumed, that it would disappear, on its own, in time.  Well, I assumed wrong.  I ended up, eventually,crying for days.  I had to take a leave from work.  I ended up, taking a week off.
     It was a wise decision, however, to take a week, to relax, attend therapy sessions, and support groups.
At this point, I feel really good.  And once again, I am thankful to all those that helped me, and supported me.

     I should have written sooner, but my mind has been foggy, and a bit confused.  I cannot concentrate.
From September 20-28, my husband, Frankie, had been in China, on a business trip.  I wrote at the beginning of his trip, while Hong Kong, was having a Typhoon.  I was scared, because Frankie, was staying in a hotel, fairly close to Hong Kong.
     Frankie survived the Typhoon, and most of the week went well for me.  I saw many friends, went to work, and tried to keep myself occupied.  I thought, that I was coping remarkably well. I did notice, however, that on many nights, while Frankie was gone, I went to bed, before the sun went down, which was by 7 PM, and would sleep for 12 hours.
      The day before Frankie was due to come home, I started to have auditory hallucinations, and I began to have paranoid thoughts.  The hallucinations stopped a few days ago, but I still feel paranoid.
      Yesterday, before work, tears started flowing, and I cried so hard,that I felt like I was losing my breath..  Somehow, I survived work, but I had to keep fighting off my tears.  At one point, I started to break down to a co-worker.  He told me to make sure to take care of myself.
      After work, I attempted to call my psychiatrist, who, it turns out, was on vacation.  Thankfully, another psychiatrist called me back and spoke to me.  She suggested that I may want to consider going into the hospital, but I'd like to avoid that, if I can.
      This morning, I woke up at 3 AM, got up by 3:45, took a shower, went downstairs to have my coffee, and by 5 AM, I was sobbing again.  My husband called my boss for me, and told him that I would not be able to come into work today.  Close to 7 AM, my psychotherapist called me and asked me to come into Boston to see her.  Frankie,took the day off to be with me, so we both took the train into Boston, to her office.
      My psychotherapist, is a wonderful woman.  She told me that it would be, in my best interest to take a week off from work, and relax, and get this under control.  If I don't do this, it could spiral out of control, and I could end up in the in-patient psychiatric ward, and out of work for a month of more.
      Honestly, I don't see how I could function at work right now, so, it is the best decision to stay home.
I feel like a crashing airplane.