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     As you may have read, I was ill with pneumonia, last week.  It was a long, tiring, uncomfortable experience.  Physically, I was really sick, and I found myself way too overly emotional.  Towards the end, I was prescribed Prednisone, a steroid, which has, in the past, made me rather unstable.  This time, the Prednisone caused insomnia in me.  It wasn't until they prescribed me, cough syrup with codeine, that the pain went away, and I was able to sleep through the night. I am so thankful, that I am feeling a lot better, now.
      I went back to work 3 days ago.  I will admit, that even though I am only working 5 hour days, I am wiped out by the end of my shift.  I was supposed to go to my volunteer job, at my church, today, and I just couldn't do it.  Thankfully, the office manager, who is also a good friend, is a very understanding person.
      At this point, however, emotionally, I am doing very well.  It amazes me, how I can be so happy at points, yet so very depressed, at other points.
     As the time goes by, I am realizing what hope lies ahead of me.  Just 2 years ago, I felt that I had no purpose in life.  I felt so unsuccessful, so unworthy.
     Now, however, I am spreading my story throughout the planet, quite literally.  "My Uncomfortable Mind", is my purpose in life.  By writing this blog, I want people who suffer from mental illness and/or PTSD to realize, that they are not alone in this world.  I want people to realize that there is hope for people who suffer from these disorders.  And I want people to see into my mind and feelings and realize that even though I am a survivor of Schizoaffective Disorder & PTSD, I am a total, living, human being, and not just some "crazy" person.
     I have come a long way, in life.  There is hope for me, and there is hope for our brothers & sisters, out in the world who suffer from mind illnesses.

     Although, I have had sleep issues, the past week & weekend went pretty well.  I whistled & hummed happily away, as I worked.  I was feeling happy & thankful to have my job.
    On Friday afternoon, I went to lunch with two friends.  On Saturday & Sunday, we socialized with friends, as well.  I was feeling very happy.
     This morning, it changed.  I woke up with sore lungs, probably from my asthma.  I am coughing and overall, feeling uncomfortable.  I can't seem to wake up from sleepiness.  I also feel, caught in my own little world.  I feel as if I am trapped in a glass box, watching out at the world.
     I first felt the tears coming, when I had been up for about about an hour.  I felt helpless and couldn't keep from crying.  I got dressed, and took my medications, but I just can't seem to eat today.
     I called out from work, when I admitted to myself that I was an emotional mess.  I knew that every little thing would set off my tears, if I went to work.  On more than one occasion, I have had to leave work, because I could not stop crying.  It simply made no sense, to go to work when I am both physically and emotionally unwell.
     I have come to realize over time, that when my body is sick, and my defenses are down,that my mind suffers also.  It's a frustrating, painful experience.
     On days like this, I am trying to learn to just relax at home.  It is hard for me to take care of my ill body, when my ill mind doesn't want to.  All I want to do is cry.
      I will get through this, as I have, for all of my life.  I will keep reminding myself, that this is only temporary.

     It is just after 3:30 AM, as I write this.  I originally, got out of bed at about 2:15 AM.   This happens a lot, in my life, these days, or rather, nights, I should say.
     Most nights, I have at least one bad dream...some nights, the dreams are horrifying.   This is because I have PTSD.
      I take medication to help me sleep, but unfortunately, it doesn't keep me asleep all night long.  Honestly, I'm afraid, to take any more medication.  I think that sleep disorders often go hand in hand with mental disorders.  For many years, I have taken sleep medication.  But it got worse, when I started peri-menopause.
      So, I have a very odd sleep schedule.....sometimes, in the days, I fall asleep with no warning, and end up sleeping most of the day & night.  Sometimes, I wake up at stupid-o'clock in the morning and stay up, until I fall asleep, in the very early evening.
     But I will say one thing about being up in the wee early morning hours....It is so quiet, so peaceful.  I often feel closest to the Lord at this hour, and find myself praying sometimes.  It is becoming so easy, to treasure this time.

     I hate to admit it or even talk about it, but the Holiday Season, of 2013, did not go well for me.
I should have written about it, while it was happening, but in hindsight, it was all one, big whirlwind.
     I will try to tell you about it now......It started a couple of weeks before Christmas.  I was at work, when I started to fall apart and cry.  It seemed to come out of nowhere, but in truth, it was my high anxiety level.
I was beyond overwhelmed, that Christmas was approaching......for so many, many sad reasons.  I told my great friend and co-worker, Bob, that I needed a hug.  He let me cry on his shoulder, and I was able to continue on with my work day.
     The next week, the week before Christmas, hit me hard.  It started with nightmares, then flashbacks.  I was having nightmares & flashbacks of my ex, from decades ago.  I had loved him so passionately, but we had a culture clash as well as, a love clash.  He thought that it was acceptable, to beat me, while I was pregnant with his baby.  I lost the baby as a result.  I never became pregnant again, as a result.  It was Holiday season, that this all ensued.
     Even though I have been through 20 years of psychotherapy to deal with my PTSD, it still hits me hard at times.  PTSD strikes sneakily at times, like a snake in the grass.  I ended up taking 2 days off from work, to try to pull myself together.  I felt bad, to leave my co-workers short-handed, but I also felt that if I didn't take a couple of days off at that point, that I would end up in the hospital for weeks.  So, which is worse?
     My husband became ill with a terrible leg infection, the weekend before Christmas, and  was hospitalized for 2 nights.  I tried my hardest to be a good wife during this time, but in truth, I needed him to hold ME up at that time.  I lacked the patience, that I needed at that time.
      In addition to having difficulties in the Holiday Season, there have been problems, with a few of my in-laws, that have gone back since summer.  We haven't seen several family members, for about 6 months.
I did not want to see them this Christmas, but I did it for my husband.  The tension was beyond my tolerance.  I put up a good front, but, realistically, I have never really felt like part of my in-laws family.
     I am hoping that the year, 2014, will go more smoothly.  I am going to try to write more often.
In the meantime, please share my blog,  My Uncomfortable Mind, to show the world, the mind & soul of a PTSD & Schizoaffective Disorder Survivor.  Maybe we will all learn something.
     And may your New Year be happy & healthy!!
   

     I have been writing my blog, for close to 2 years now.  I consider it to be my biggest accomplishment in life, at this point.  In truth, I am exposing my mind and feelings to the WORLD.
     I am giving a glimpse into the mind of someone who is a Survivor of both Serious Mental Illness, and PTSD.  This has required a lot of vulnerability, on my behalf.  But, so far, it has been worth it.
     I haven't been writing as much, over the past few months.  There are a few reasons for this.  Maybe I should explain myself.
     Sometimes, life goes smoothly and I feel that: "There is nothing interesting to report".  But in reality, I should write about the good times.
     Sometimes, I feel that "Nobody really, truly wants to hear about my life", so I don't feel worthy enough to write.
     Some things, I simply can't talk about, because the thoughts are too painful.  I just can't share them.  And some of these things are just too controversial.
     It has not been an easy journey, putting my thoughts out there, for all of the Internet to see.

     Life has been going pretty well for me, at this point.   My wonderful husband took me on another adventure, in late November.  It did have a couple of tear-filled moments, but it was wonderful, nonetheless.
     We rented a little log cabin again, in the Berkshires of Massachusetts.  There was no television, or internet, or phone service in our cabin, only electricity and a wood stove.  Honestly, this escape, was amazingly restful.
     During our stay, we went to 3 museums, the Yankee Candle Village, a pub, and also a local restaurant / lounge.  My husband drove us hundreds of miles to view the beautiful landscape and mountains.  We even drove through Vermont.  My husband cooked our meals, over a fire, and we listened to a lot of favorite music, through an iPad.  It was magical, and even snowed while we were there.
     Like I said before, there were tears, from me, on 2 occasions.  On one particular day, we went to a museum, and then went to lunch.  My husband drove us to another Museum, to visit, and I broke down.  "I can't do this", I said.  I had had enough stimulation and excitement in one day.  I discovered that I am a "2 place"  kind of person.  When it comes to anything, that I consider very stimulating, even basic shopping errands, I am totally done, after going to 2 places.  After this, I desire to return to my "cocoon", my home, where I feel comforted and safe.  So, we returned to the 2nd museum, on another day, which worked out well.
     And on the last day of our little cabin stay, I cried again.  I did not want to leave the beautiful experience of our little cabin stay in the woods.  I felt like a little kid and was very surprised by the fact that I broke down.  But my wonderful husband explained it to me in his wonderful way.  "You were starting to feel so safe here, so at-home, in our little log cabin.  Of course you don't want to leave", he said.