I had been feeling good for a couple of weeks. I was so happy and amazed. My mother, said that I sounded happy and "chipper". I had thought that I was moving forward again, in life.
But within a few days, I felt as if a bomb had dropped upon me. It occured, about 3 AM, last Friday morning.
I was shaking, frightened, full of fear, crying. I couln'r go to work, that mornig. Instead, I spoke to a Psychologist who gave me 5 tranquilizers,
I talked to my own Psychiatrist, today. She made some medication changes., which I hope will help.
Somewhere, somehow, I was triggered....something struck a nerve. Something made me feel terrified.
Oh my Lord, why can't you give me a rest? I just want to be a normal woman.
Monday, November 9, 2015
Monday, November 2, 2015
#133 Feeling Triggered
There are times, when I feel down, depressed, overwhelmed and I have absolutely nothing that I can do, or want to do. On these days, I watch a fair amount of television, often talk shows,
Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart. Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing. I couldn't watch the full episodes of either of these shows.
I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb. One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father. Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately. Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father. But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath. My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me. As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
Instead, I am often just upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable. But ALL OF THEM?! It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day. But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).
Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart. Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing. I couldn't watch the full episodes of either of these shows.
I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb. One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father. Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately. Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father. But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath. My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me. As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
Instead, I am often just upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable. But ALL OF THEM?! It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day. But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).
Sunday, October 25, 2015
#132.....Ending ECT
I went into a hospital's Psychiatric Unit, at the end of September. I stayed in-patient for 8 days.
During this time, I went for several Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatments. In the past more primitive, less empathetic years, it was called "Shock Treatments" After I left the hospital, I went for a few more ECT treatments.
My experience with ECT leaves me confused, about how I think and feel about it. I believe that it has helped me, but I panicked in the end and quit. I am terrified of general anesthesia, and general anesthesia is a necessity with ECT. I have had serious problems with anesthesia, at another hospital during ECT, in the past. Consequently, I feared waking up during the treatment, or worse, dying from the treatment. My fears weren't totally rational. On the day of my 8th treatment, I broke down, and told the Medical Assistant, that I was sorry, but I was cancelling my appointment, because I was too scared.
ECT, can cause a loss of memory, also, and I lost a great amount. It's a disturbing feeling. You feel helpless, not being able to remember things. I had to be re-trained to do my office assistant job, which felt humiliating. Not everyone who gets ECT, has a memory loss problems. Everyone's experience is different. I would neither recommend nor disapprove of ECT, if you asked me my opinion.
I am going through medication changes, and I think that it has also helped me. My attitude, is getting better everyday. I'm starting to enjoy myself again. And I am thankful for all of the prayers that I have recieved.
During this time, I went for several Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatments. In the past more primitive, less empathetic years, it was called "Shock Treatments" After I left the hospital, I went for a few more ECT treatments.
My experience with ECT leaves me confused, about how I think and feel about it. I believe that it has helped me, but I panicked in the end and quit. I am terrified of general anesthesia, and general anesthesia is a necessity with ECT. I have had serious problems with anesthesia, at another hospital during ECT, in the past. Consequently, I feared waking up during the treatment, or worse, dying from the treatment. My fears weren't totally rational. On the day of my 8th treatment, I broke down, and told the Medical Assistant, that I was sorry, but I was cancelling my appointment, because I was too scared.
ECT, can cause a loss of memory, also, and I lost a great amount. It's a disturbing feeling. You feel helpless, not being able to remember things. I had to be re-trained to do my office assistant job, which felt humiliating. Not everyone who gets ECT, has a memory loss problems. Everyone's experience is different. I would neither recommend nor disapprove of ECT, if you asked me my opinion.
I am going through medication changes, and I think that it has also helped me. My attitude, is getting better everyday. I'm starting to enjoy myself again. And I am thankful for all of the prayers that I have recieved.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
#131......ECT Again
Have I ever mentioned before, that I have a Facebook Page, also called "My Uncomfortable Mind"? Feel free to check it out. Sometimes I post articles, and also updates, about myself.
I recently posted some information on my Facebook Page, that I had not mentioned in this blog.
I, recently, have been making plans to recieve Electro-Convulsive Therapy (formally referred to as "Shock Treatments"). I can't kick, this Depression, this anxiety, this paranoia.
I had this procedure done, many times, about 4 years ago,. However, I had a few bad experiences, at a nearby hospital. As a result, I gave up on ECT, then.
I remember, me, being pretty much out of consciousness, with a female nurse, shouting at me, when the procedure ended: "Christine! Breathe! Christine!!! Breathe!!!. The nurse later asked me, if I had Asthma. I replied: "Yes".
I also had 2 bad experiences, where, not enough anesthaesia was used. I remember, laying on the gurney, as they administered my Intro-Venous medicine. I shut my eyes, I tried to moves, and I was paralyzed, I tried to open my eyes and couldn't. I tried to breathe, and I couldn't. I tried to scream, then I finally passed out. This was the result of not enough anestaesia being used.
This time, I will be having ECT, in a World-Renowned hospital, in Boston. I like the Psychiatrist, who will be treating me. I feel more confident, this time.
But, I cannot lie. ECT, really helped me years ago, but, still, I am terrified. Prayers, please.
I recently posted some information on my Facebook Page, that I had not mentioned in this blog.
I, recently, have been making plans to recieve Electro-Convulsive Therapy (formally referred to as "Shock Treatments"). I can't kick, this Depression, this anxiety, this paranoia.
I had this procedure done, many times, about 4 years ago,. However, I had a few bad experiences, at a nearby hospital. As a result, I gave up on ECT, then.
I remember, me, being pretty much out of consciousness, with a female nurse, shouting at me, when the procedure ended: "Christine! Breathe! Christine!!! Breathe!!!. The nurse later asked me, if I had Asthma. I replied: "Yes".
I also had 2 bad experiences, where, not enough anesthaesia was used. I remember, laying on the gurney, as they administered my Intro-Venous medicine. I shut my eyes, I tried to moves, and I was paralyzed, I tried to open my eyes and couldn't. I tried to breathe, and I couldn't. I tried to scream, then I finally passed out. This was the result of not enough anestaesia being used.
This time, I will be having ECT, in a World-Renowned hospital, in Boston. I like the Psychiatrist, who will be treating me. I feel more confident, this time.
But, I cannot lie. ECT, really helped me years ago, but, still, I am terrified. Prayers, please.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
#130
At my last visit to my Psychiatrist, she eliminated one type of antidepressant, and added a tranquilizer to take once a day. In some ways, I feel calmer. But it has been a long, rough stretch of time.
I am able to sleep now....THANK YOU LORD, and thanks are also due to psychiatric pharmaceuticals. I still have bad dreams almost every night, though.
I still have no appetitie though. I live on coffee, Coca-cola, or Pepsi-Cola, sometimes juice, an occasional bagel, with egg, bacon, and cheese, cookies, yogurt. I usually try to have dinner, and end up eating a small amount. I have lost 30 pounds, in this past year. I am also a diabetic.
My doctors do not consider my weight loss to be a problem, because I still weigh, 205 pounds. I gained a total of 100 pounds over the years, as a result of taking antipsychotics. And the weight is almost impossible to lose.
I have had a lot of grief and pain within, for quite awhile. Most of this is due to the damage and abuse that was afflicted on me by my father. He was cold as ice, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually, and then he cut off my contact with his children by his 2nd marriage, my half-siblings, finally he discarded me like I was a piece of trash.
It leaves an angry fire within my soul. I am a liberal Christian. The type of Christian who believes that you shouldn't hurt others. But there are times when I want to retaliate against my father, for scarring my soul, and taking my family away. Sometimes, I think that I will never have peace within, until he dies, and can't hurt anymore children and women.
I have had some anxious, weepy days, where I just can't leave my home. I have had some audio hallucinations, as well.
But I will continue praying.
I am able to sleep now....THANK YOU LORD, and thanks are also due to psychiatric pharmaceuticals. I still have bad dreams almost every night, though.
I still have no appetitie though. I live on coffee, Coca-cola, or Pepsi-Cola, sometimes juice, an occasional bagel, with egg, bacon, and cheese, cookies, yogurt. I usually try to have dinner, and end up eating a small amount. I have lost 30 pounds, in this past year. I am also a diabetic.
My doctors do not consider my weight loss to be a problem, because I still weigh, 205 pounds. I gained a total of 100 pounds over the years, as a result of taking antipsychotics. And the weight is almost impossible to lose.
I have had a lot of grief and pain within, for quite awhile. Most of this is due to the damage and abuse that was afflicted on me by my father. He was cold as ice, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually, and then he cut off my contact with his children by his 2nd marriage, my half-siblings, finally he discarded me like I was a piece of trash.
It leaves an angry fire within my soul. I am a liberal Christian. The type of Christian who believes that you shouldn't hurt others. But there are times when I want to retaliate against my father, for scarring my soul, and taking my family away. Sometimes, I think that I will never have peace within, until he dies, and can't hurt anymore children and women.
I have had some anxious, weepy days, where I just can't leave my home. I have had some audio hallucinations, as well.
But I will continue praying.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
#129 Dear Lord........Written May 8, 1998
Dear Lord, when I am warmed, by Your Son, and the beauty of life, please hear my silent praises of
inner-peace and joy,
Dear Lord, when the night becomes dark, and I am alone, with only You, please enjoy my
thoughts, and hear my prayers,
Dear Lord, when I am lost in turmoil and grief, and wary of faith, please soothe my cries, hear my
pleas, and calm my soul,
Dear Lord, when I am overwhelmed with sadness, anger or terror, please hold my soul, and spend
these fearful moments with me, You are the One, I need most to guide me,
Dear Lord, when I feel joy, bliss and ecstacy, please spend these wonderful moments with me,
You are the One, I most want to spend them with.
inner-peace and joy,
Dear Lord, when the night becomes dark, and I am alone, with only You, please enjoy my
thoughts, and hear my prayers,
Dear Lord, when I am lost in turmoil and grief, and wary of faith, please soothe my cries, hear my
pleas, and calm my soul,
Dear Lord, when I am overwhelmed with sadness, anger or terror, please hold my soul, and spend
these fearful moments with me, You are the One, I need most to guide me,
Dear Lord, when I feel joy, bliss and ecstacy, please spend these wonderful moments with me,
You are the One, I most want to spend them with.
#128.....Life Can Be Torturous To Me
I have been feeling rather confused lately. I have had high anxiety, fear, depression. I have been hearing sounds, that just aren't real. I panic when I have audio halluncinations. I feel immence fear, becase I feel that my mind is fucking with me. Why wasn't I born with a healthy mind, Lord?
If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have. I keep having nightmares about him, his wife, and his other kids. So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately. I miss my half-siblings so much. My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him, risking her own children, and me, even though she knew he is a pedophile. She is no better than a pervert. She is protecting a pedophile.
Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father. A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me. I mourn for the father that I never had.
And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore. I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died. And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind. Life can be torturous to me.
If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have. I keep having nightmares about him, his wife, and his other kids. So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately. I miss my half-siblings so much. My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him, risking her own children, and me, even though she knew he is a pedophile. She is no better than a pervert. She is protecting a pedophile.
Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father. A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me. I mourn for the father that I never had.
And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore. I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died. And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind. Life can be torturous to me.
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