Oh my Lord, I am calling to you again.
My husband knew of a friend, a friend of his sister, named D...She had been married for 20 years to an asshole.
After her divorce,
She got involved with a guy that, I will only call MF.
At about 11:30 PM one night, we got a telephone call. We picked up our friend D., at a nearby hospital because MF had attempted to smash her head onto the concrete. I told her..."If you take him back D., he will do it again. Bloody head, and all, D., bailed him out of jail the next morning, and took him home with her.
My husband is a big person, and he told D., "If he touches you again, D., he will have to face me".
We gave MF another shot, hoping he learned his lesson.
One evening recently, D.'s teenage son made a wise-ass comment according to D. Her boyfriend, was "off his meds, and was mentally ill," and tried to strangle her very own son.
D. asked my husband if MF could stay with us a few nights while she found a new home for him.
My husband told D. and MF, that, I would never understand and accept the situation.
Yeah, the shit hit the fan.
I was traumatized with this situation with MF.
D., pretty much wrote me off.
Finally, within my heart, we invited D., and MF, over for a BBQ.
When D. and MF arrived, I basically said to MF, that we were all basically family, and I told , MF that, family doesn't hurt or hit each other. I also said that we all learned in nursery school , that you don't hurt your friends.
That monster's response was "Oh I know. It could happen again'."
Sorry, but I have experienced enough Domestic violence, n my life. I can't save you D.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
#152......Oh My Lord
I have been suffering, within. My husband, and I, came home from, Jamaica, about a month ago.
It was a magnificent vacation. But for some reason, I ache within. I want to go back.
The water, and the beach, at our resort, was so beautiful. Crystal blue, bathtub warm.
Oh my sweet Lord, thank you so much, for granting us such beauty. Thank you, my Lord,
for such a wonderful husband, and such wonderful experiences at Couples Swept Away Resort.
It was a magnificent vacation. But for some reason, I ache within. I want to go back.
The water, and the beach, at our resort, was so beautiful. Crystal blue, bathtub warm.
Oh my sweet Lord, thank you so much, for granting us such beauty. Thank you, my Lord,
for such a wonderful husband, and such wonderful experiences at Couples Swept Away Resort.
Monday, May 22, 2017
#151.......The Joy of Jamaica
My husband and I, recently took a vacation, to a resort in Jamaica. It was something that we have never done before. We have taken a few mini trips, like business trips. They were not true vacations.
Before our vacation to Jamaica, I was headed for a "crash & burn", a real breakdown.
I have had trouble sleeping, often getting up in the middle of the night, to go downstairs to watch television and think. Sometimes, I would wake up, very confused, saying to my husband, Frankie, "Who are you?".
I had trouble eating, my upper GI issues, were acting up. Basically, my stomach was burning, and food was coming up and out of my nose, during my sleep, waking me up.
I had been vomiting frequently, In fact, 4 nights before our flight to Jamaica, I was very sick, and we discussed, cancelling our vacation. I also missed work, on 1 day.
As we were going through security at the airport, I ran for a trash barrel, and could not stop vomiting. On the plane, I got sick several times, also.
But once we finally arrived in Jamaica, I stopped shaking, I stopped vomiting, I had a totally different demeaner. In fact, we went to an amazing buffet, at one of the resorts amazing restaurants, and my belly felt so much better. I felt so relaxed.
Our vacation, with the wonderful resort, and the beautiful ocean, cleansed me. We want to go there again, only, stay longer. We have friends who recommended this resort to us.
Before, this vacation, I spent a lot of time, thinking about my horrible father, and his fucked up family, who accept his sexual abuse. I ached inside, I miss them so badly, believe it, or not.
But in Jamaica, these thoughts were gone. I didn't want to leave Jamaica. It was quite painful.
I am home now, and still feel a bit of sunshine in my soul.
I just want to say thank you, to everyone, who made it possible to go to Jamaica, and
Couples Swept Away Resort.
Before our vacation to Jamaica, I was headed for a "crash & burn", a real breakdown.
I have had trouble sleeping, often getting up in the middle of the night, to go downstairs to watch television and think. Sometimes, I would wake up, very confused, saying to my husband, Frankie, "Who are you?".
I had trouble eating, my upper GI issues, were acting up. Basically, my stomach was burning, and food was coming up and out of my nose, during my sleep, waking me up.
I had been vomiting frequently, In fact, 4 nights before our flight to Jamaica, I was very sick, and we discussed, cancelling our vacation. I also missed work, on 1 day.
As we were going through security at the airport, I ran for a trash barrel, and could not stop vomiting. On the plane, I got sick several times, also.
But once we finally arrived in Jamaica, I stopped shaking, I stopped vomiting, I had a totally different demeaner. In fact, we went to an amazing buffet, at one of the resorts amazing restaurants, and my belly felt so much better. I felt so relaxed.
Our vacation, with the wonderful resort, and the beautiful ocean, cleansed me. We want to go there again, only, stay longer. We have friends who recommended this resort to us.
Before, this vacation, I spent a lot of time, thinking about my horrible father, and his fucked up family, who accept his sexual abuse. I ached inside, I miss them so badly, believe it, or not.
But in Jamaica, these thoughts were gone. I didn't want to leave Jamaica. It was quite painful.
I am home now, and still feel a bit of sunshine in my soul.
I just want to say thank you, to everyone, who made it possible to go to Jamaica, and
Couples Swept Away Resort.
Monday, March 13, 2017
#150......Now what?
The holidays have passed. Thanksgiving day, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day, went relatively smoothly. I felt numb and scared, getting through it though.
Every year, in the holiday season, I feel irritable, angry, frightened. I have thoughts of my brother and sister, who were torn away from me, when I outed my father, for being a child molester.
It has been 30.....yes, 30 years since I have had a relationship with my brother and sister.
It is killing me slowly, that I may never see them again.
They may fall under my father's disgusting persuasion, maybe out of fear.
My sister, was told by my father, that if she continued to talk to me, she would never see her mother alive again.
No shocker, my father put a shotgun to my mother's head and threatened to blow her brains out. My mother saved all of her money from a waitressing job, and got on a plane, with me, from South Carolina, back to her home in New England.
Mama left my father, but the court said that I had to see my father. Mama had no idea, what I was going through, being emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused She didn't realize how traumatized I was.
I was painfully shy, always anxious, nervous, having very few friends. I felt like a lost soul, an outsider. My father gave me shit, saying that I was always trying to be different. Daddy, with your abuse, you made me different, you made me suffer,
Written in January, 2017
Every year, in the holiday season, I feel irritable, angry, frightened. I have thoughts of my brother and sister, who were torn away from me, when I outed my father, for being a child molester.
It has been 30.....yes, 30 years since I have had a relationship with my brother and sister.
It is killing me slowly, that I may never see them again.
They may fall under my father's disgusting persuasion, maybe out of fear.
My sister, was told by my father, that if she continued to talk to me, she would never see her mother alive again.
No shocker, my father put a shotgun to my mother's head and threatened to blow her brains out. My mother saved all of her money from a waitressing job, and got on a plane, with me, from South Carolina, back to her home in New England.
Mama left my father, but the court said that I had to see my father. Mama had no idea, what I was going through, being emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused She didn't realize how traumatized I was.
I was painfully shy, always anxious, nervous, having very few friends. I felt like a lost soul, an outsider. My father gave me shit, saying that I was always trying to be different. Daddy, with your abuse, you made me different, you made me suffer,
Written in January, 2017
Friday, December 30, 2016
#149.....Feeling Seriously Lost
I am feeling rather lost. About a week before Christmas, I began feeling so numb. I did not make a list, to send out Christmas cards, I did not make a list of people that I wanted to send gifts to.
I did help my husband with Christmas shopping for our nephew and nieces. Other than that, I bought several boxes of Christmas chocolates, and a shit-load of Yankee candles. I ordered, over the internet, clothes for my husband and my mother. My normal spirit of creative giving, wasn't really there.
I am falling into a Depression. As you probably know already, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder, which causes, in me, Depression, and often Psychosis, where I hear strange music, and my name being called frequently.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was caused. by all types of child abuse, by my sociopathic father. This causes, in me, deep fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
And I have Panic Disorder, which gives me severe anxiety, and panic attacks.
Every year, around the holiday season, I just fall apart. I often feel numb and paralyzed, neglecting things that I need to do.
I pray to God often, to take this internal Hell away, to hear my quiet, spiritual, soul screams.
I often, don't know how, I am going to get through life, like this.
I try to write, but I have not been as prolific as I would like to be. It helps to empty, some of the fears from my soul, whenever, I write in this blog.
I hope that some people, out there, would be able to relate to me, and find peace in knowing that they are not all alone in this big, blue world.
Please, Lord, hold me in Your loving arms, and take away, my fears. Amen.
I did help my husband with Christmas shopping for our nephew and nieces. Other than that, I bought several boxes of Christmas chocolates, and a shit-load of Yankee candles. I ordered, over the internet, clothes for my husband and my mother. My normal spirit of creative giving, wasn't really there.
I am falling into a Depression. As you probably know already, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder, which causes, in me, Depression, and often Psychosis, where I hear strange music, and my name being called frequently.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was caused. by all types of child abuse, by my sociopathic father. This causes, in me, deep fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
And I have Panic Disorder, which gives me severe anxiety, and panic attacks.
Every year, around the holiday season, I just fall apart. I often feel numb and paralyzed, neglecting things that I need to do.
I pray to God often, to take this internal Hell away, to hear my quiet, spiritual, soul screams.
I often, don't know how, I am going to get through life, like this.
I try to write, but I have not been as prolific as I would like to be. It helps to empty, some of the fears from my soul, whenever, I write in this blog.
I hope that some people, out there, would be able to relate to me, and find peace in knowing that they are not all alone in this big, blue world.
Please, Lord, hold me in Your loving arms, and take away, my fears. Amen.
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
#148.....Grief
It is now winter here, in New England, USA. This time of year, begs me to go to bed, by darkness. Maybe to escape, my own personal reality.
As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord. A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul. I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be. I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness. This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month. Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing. The tears are streaming, flowing easily. I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma. It all scares me. I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche. The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis. And I will, forever ache and pine for my father's children from his second wife. My brother and sister.
When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings. It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.
As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord. A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul. I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be. I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness. This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month. Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing. The tears are streaming, flowing easily. I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma. It all scares me. I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche. The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis. And I will, forever ache and pine for my father's children from his second wife. My brother and sister.
When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings. It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
#147....Father Forgiveness?!
I realized something, recently, that I hadn't thought of before. I realized, that I think of my father, every, single, day. I think of him despite the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and neglect, that he bestowed upon me. I still cannot believe that I have space, in my mind, that I give to him They say that as a Christian, I should forgive my father. But my Dear, Sweet Lord, I just cannot forgive him. I am traumatized within. I will never be the same.
Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts. I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years. In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations. At times over the years, I was over-medicated. I could not feel, for years..
When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men. I think that it was a father-figure issue. To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood. As someone, that I know said to me: "B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old. After that, it is only because of sexual favors".
I have not prayed for my father. But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children. I am not there to protect them, from my father's abuse. It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings. My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest. I just don't know how I can forgive someone so evil.
Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts. I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years. In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations. At times over the years, I was over-medicated. I could not feel, for years..
When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men. I think that it was a father-figure issue. To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood. As someone, that I know said to me: "B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old. After that, it is only because of sexual favors".
I have not prayed for my father. But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children. I am not there to protect them, from my father's abuse. It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings. My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest. I just don't know how I can forgive someone so evil.
Subscribe to:
Posts
(
Atom
)