It has been only 2 days, since my last blog update, but I feel so much better, than I had been feeling.  And I am so pleased.  Thank You, Lord!
     As you probably know, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but lately, I have had Peri-menopause fighting me.   But, I worked hard with my Doctors, and it has paid off.
      It has been a helluva month.  In the beginning, I began having incredible hot flashes, where I would feel like I was burning up inside.  I would get heart palpitations during these hot flashes, and then I would have anxiety attacks, where, I felt that I couldn't breathe, and sometimes, I would feel like I was going to pass out.  At night, It was horrible, I would toss and turn, going from hot to cold, over and over, all night long.  Naturally, I could not sleep.  I think that the lack of sleep is what left me feeling so lost.
    To make it worse, I had a terrible cold during this time, which left my body and mind weak and vulnerable.   While at work, one day, I found myself with auditory hallucinations, which really shakes me up. I only hallucinate when I am really stressed, physically and/or mentally.  So, when it happened, I felt quite alarmed.  Thankfully, my hallucinations, only lasted one day.
     I started taking Neurontin for my hot flashes, anxiety, and lack of sleep, and it is like a miracle.  I still have mild hot flashes occasionally, but no more scary heart palpitations.  I am starting to sleep again also.
    My psychiatrist is trying to reduce the amount of medication that I take, so, I stopped taking Risperidol, which is an antipsychotic drug.  That was a stress on my body.  I felt edgy, and hostile, the first few days, after I stopped taking it..  I was afraid that I would become psychotic after the drug left my body, but I am doing OK.
    This morning, however, I have turned a corner.  I feel good, both physically and mentally, which, to me, is a true blessing.  Just 2 days ago, I was losing hope, I felt so sick, so tired.  Now, I see real hope in my future.

     I am feeling worn-out, these days.  This peri-menopause thing, has destroyed my appetite and my ability to sleep.  I am basically struggling to get through the days.  I feel like I could crash and burn, at any time now.
     I did call my psychiatrist, yesterday, and she increased my Neurontin, so that I will take more, at bedtime. She said that this will help me sleep.  I really hope it does.  I miss the bright, alert, and happy me.
     I really wish that I could take next week off from work, but I can't.   So, I am planning to take the following week off, to rest, and get things done, if I feel like doing anything.  I just hope that I can hang on to my sanity long enough, to make it until next week.
     Even though my body and my mind are exhausted, I am trying to stay positive, and cheerful.  I don't feel depressed, or psychotic, but somewhat anxious, and totally wiped out.  I am also a bit worried, that my depression and psychosis, will surface because I am vulnerable now. I am confident in my doctor's abilities to help me, though.

     One week ago, on a cold, rainy, windy Friday, I went to my doctor's appointment, by public transportation, only to be told that my appointment was for the following Friday.  I told them that I was very upset because they gave me inaccurate information.  So, they agreed to see me 2 days ago, and I had a successful visit with my own physician.  Last week, my psychiatrist called and prescribed me a drug called Neurontin.  It has helped me to get some sleep, and has taken away the intensity, severity, and frequency of my hot flashes.  My physician feels that this is the right course for me also.
     But, my psychiatrist also weaned me off of Risperidol, an anti-psychotic medication, and since I stopped taking it, I don't feel right.  I feel weepy, and a bit hostile.  I feel like telling everybody else to "fuck off", and to leave me alone.  I feel a bit lost, a bit empty inside.  I'm wondering if I'm going through some kind of  drug withdrawal.  If so, I'll ride it out, I want to take as few medications as possible.  I don't want to go back to taking it.
     I can't get in touch with my doctor though.  All of Boston is shut down because they are trying to catch the remaining living marathon bomber.  I live 15 minutes from Boston, so I have done a lot of praying today.
     I can't help but wonder if the marathon bomber situation may be affecting me somewhere beneath it all.  I did wake up at 4 AM and began immediately watching the news.  I did, however pry myself away from the television for 6 hours, and did volunteer work at my church.  I am listening to music now, my favorite band, The Moody Blues, I don't want to watch the news.
     On Monday, if I do not feel better, I will try to call my psychiatrist again.  Please pray for the people of Boston.

     It is official, I am in peri-menopause, and it is kicking my ass.  My days are now-filled with terrible hot flashes, which are causing my heart to race, and are causing shortness of breath, consequently scaring the Hell out of me.  I am becoming overly emotional, crying easily, and snapping at my husband.  During the nights, I toss and turn, going from feeling extremely hot to very cold, over and over, unable to sleep.  I have also lost my appetite and I am not eating enough.
     I saw a doctor yesterday who did an EKG and a thyroid test, and gave me some pamphlets about menopause.  She recommended black cohosh, an herbal supplement, which I ended up vomiting  this morning.  She told me that she could not prescribe any medication to me because she was unfamiliar with my history, and I took a lot of psychiatric meds.  She told me to see my regular doctor next week.  I was so angry, because I felt that she was afraid to give me the care that I needed, because I am a psychiatric patient, who has to take a lot of medication (I also have diabetes and GERD).  And, I didn't feel that I could wait a whole week to see my regular doctor.
     So, I called my doctor's office again and asked to speak with my doctor.  They insisted that I speak to their nurse instead, which also made me angry because I should be allowed to speak to my own doctor, if I need to.  Finally after much insistence, on my behalf, they fave me an appointment for 2 days from now.  I will keep you posted and wish me much luck.

     One of the things, that I have done, to try to help myself, is engaging in minimal television watching.  Television is filled with violence, trauma, and  tragedy.  I find that watching television brings back bad memories, and triggers flashbacks, negative thoughts, paranoia, which leads to depression in me.
     I do my best, to stick to watching comedies and educational programs, but every once in awhile, I will stray and watch something which, invariably shakes me up.  It could be a relatively benign show, even, like a talk show, but once abuse is mentioned, I find myself visiting my childhood again.
     This morning I watched "The Steve Wilkos Show", and they were discussing a boy who had been abused.  It was said, that his mother tried to drown him, in the bathtub when he was an infant.  It instantly brought back memories of my father deliberately holding my head under the faucet when I was a toddler, and not being able to breathe.  This memory invaded my life less than a year ago, when I started experiencing this particular flashback.
      I went on to watch "Dr. Phil", which was about a teenage girl who was beaten by her mother, and it reminded me of how my father used to hit me with a paddle before he sexually abused me.
      As I surfed through the channels, it became apparent, that television is sort of geared towards shaking people to the core.  Just think about the News programs on television.  It's all about human devastation, and very little good news is  ever reported.
      So I decided to watch some of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and that was a smart choice, compared to my other television choices, today.  It is a delightful comedy.
      Like most days though, the stereo is now playing.  I love to listen to music, especially as I write.  As I write this blog, I am, in fact, listening to Jimi Hendrix.

     On Tuesday, I was having a hard time talking and breathing, so I called my boss at work, and told him that I was coming down with an infection or virus, and asked him if he could get another person to cover my shift on Wednesday.  He told me to stay home from work on Wednesday.
     Tuesday night, I had a rough time breathing and sleeping, but after a second dose of Nyquil, I slept until 1 PM, on Wednesday.  I was coughing, sneezing, and had a runny nose, but I have had the influenza vaccine, so I think, that it is just a terrible cold, aggravating my asthma.
      Today, which is Thursday, I woke up feeling better, my nose is still running and I am still coughing, I still sound awful, but overall, I don't feel as sick.  I did get irritated at my husband this morning because he kept interrupting me when I was using the bathroom, and I concluded that my lack of patience was due to the fact that I was sick.  But still, I went to work.
       It wasn't a total mistake, I got a lot of work done but I had some frightening moments.  You see, when my body is sick, my mind gets sick, usually.
     I was working, pulling all of the out of code (expired), packages off of the shelves, in the supermarket, where I work, and organizing those shelves to look nice, when I heard a screeching guitar playing.  At first I wondered if it was the saw being used, in the meat department, so I looked and realized that it was not the saw.  It sounded like very strange music, the kind that I hear when I hallucinate.  I panicked for a few minutes.  I felt my tears welling up, in my eyes.  I was hallucinating at work.  I knew then that I was sicker than I thought.  I sat down and my inner voice told me to calm down, not to worry, that the sounds would go away.  And they did.
     But later on,I kept hearing my name being called.  It sounded like someone was standing very close to me saying "Christine", over and over.  And there was no one there, and it wasn't the intercom system.  Thank God, that went away too, after a few minutes of relaxing and talking to myself, internally.
     Hallucinating scares me more than depression.  It is scary because you know that your mind is playing tricks on you.  It is very startling, and makes you feel out of control.  I am fortunate, in that the sounds and voices, in my mind do not tell me what to do, rather I hear strange music and people calling my name.
    I am very proud of myself, however, because I worked through my whole shift without breaking down or leaving early to go home, which I have done in the past.  I'm happy that over time, I am coping better.

     So far, I have written 52 blog posts.  Can you believe it?  I know I can't.  LOL!
     In case you wonder what I look like, I am Caucasian, of Irish & English descent.  I have brown eyes, and graying, yet also dark brown hair (I color it).  I stand 5 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 230 pounds (I gained 90 pounds, thanks to antipsychotic medication).  People have said that I am "beautiful" and "cute", though I see myself as average.  I am 45 years old, and have entered menopause.
      My "normal"  personality is quiet, sweet, kind, intelligent, artistic, compassionate, patient, funny, and passionate.  When I am depressed, however, I cry a lot, I worry a lot, I fear the world.  I have a fiery streak, if you hurt me deeply, also.  In other words, if you hurt me, you'll hear about it, I'll probably end up using a lot of curse words. LOL!
      I spent some of my childhood in a nice community, and the later half of my childhood, in a poor, high crime city.  I went to vocational school,  in high school, where I studied agriculture.  It was a great atmosphere for me, I wasn't bullied like I was in public school.  Even as a child and teen, I went through depression.  My grades went up and down, like a yo-yo.
      I attempted college, at a very prestigious university, but I was also working full-time to pay for school, and was overwhelmed because I had no free time.  I was extremely depressed and my grades were only average and below average.  I later took classes at an Ivy League university's night school, and did really well, because I wasn't depressed.  It's highly possible that I will go back to college someday.
      I have had jobs working with animals, working in laboratories, working in the Biotechnology field, working in offices, working in supermarkets.  I currently work in a supermarket, and do volunteer work in the office at my church.
      I have been married for 19 years. He is an awesome, wonderful, amazing husband. We do not have any children. We have one deaf cat.  I am also, my wonderful mother's only child. I do not have much family on my father's side.  I do not see my father because he abused me.
      My favorite thing to do is listen to music, usually Rock & Roll, some Rap.  I also like to spend time with my family & friends, paint, read, cook, bake, and write this blog.  
     It is my goal, in life to let other people with mental illness know, that they are not alone, and to also let others know that people with mental illness have feelings, hopes and dreams, like "normal" people.
     I hope that you will share my blog with your trusted family and friends, so that I may fulfill my dream of getting my blog out into the world.  So, please read, like & share!  Thank you!