My husband, took me away to The Berkshires, in Massachusetts, for our vacation.  We stayed in a little log cabin, in a state park, in the middle of the forest, with electricity, a wood stove, and no indoor plumbing in our cabin.  We were right in the middle of Bear Country.

     The first night was hard for me, because, I worried about bears breaking into our little cabin.  And in the darkness, my mind wandered, back to when I was a little girl, when horrible things, occurred in the darkness.  Things, I still cannot talk about in detail.  Crimes committed by my own father.  No matter how I try, I don't think that I will ever forget it.

      The day time however, was just bliss.  My husband cooked meals over the fire for us, the food was incredible.  He took me for long drives through the mountains.  We went to Yankee Candle, where I made my own candle.  I bought moccasins, at a Native American store, also.  They are so well-made and comfortable on my feet. 

      We visited a couple of working farms also, where I made friends with calves, and purchased real maple syrup.

       What was most wonderful, was that I got to spend days alone with my husband, with no television, no telephone or internet interruptions.  

       I came back feeling more refreshed than I had in years, decades even.   I would fully recommend a vacation in the woods, if so needed.  

                                                                                                                                                      

      

     It has been over 2 weeks since I have written, in my blog, so, I decided, that I should let you all know, that I am alive and well.  It's about time, right?  
     In truth, I haven't lost any interest, in writing, it's just that I have to feel inspired to write.  Which means, that I usually have something pressing on my mind, or there is something that I want to share.
      Lately, life has been quiet, which is good, if you ask me.  I have been working at my job, but I'm not doing much volunteer work right now, because there isn't much work for me there, in the summer.  Work has been fairly satisfying.  It's a physical job, one that a much younger person should be doing, but it's a great work out.   Sometimes, I wonder what else I could do for work, but for now, I am comfortable at my job.
      I have been spending lots of time, with several friends, and it has been wonderful.  When I was younger, I didn't have many friends, I just didn't feel worthy of friends.  I didn't believe that I was a great person.  Just last night, my husband said to me:  "Chrissy, you have the biggest heart.  You even talk to and care about the people, that other people don't bother with".  It's still hard for me to feel worthy, at times.  But having wonderful, supportive friends has given me such confidence within.
      My health is pretty good these days.  My asthma, is finally under control.  Mentally, I am doing really well.  My mood is pretty even. I do not feel depressed at this time.  I do not feel paranoid lately, and I have not had auditory hallucinations in awhile.  I am more than happy and grateful for this progress.
      My marriage is going wonderfully, as well.  It is amazing what a little sanity can do for a marriage.  And I will always be thankful for the awesome, supportive man that I married.

    Many years ago, when my soul was lost, God spoke to me.  You may find this hard to believe.  Even I found it to be quite amazing.
     I don't remember where I was, or what I was doing, at that moment, when God spoke, because I was so shocked, but His message to  me, was "Have strength".  Because of this special moment, in my life, I have a lot of faith in God.
     I have had a couple of interesting comments recently, made by friends, regarding my faith in God.
     One woman, who is a born-again Christian, told me that I could not possibly have heard the voice of God, that it must have been an invasive spirit, that spoke to me. She tried to tell me, that this message was not in accordance, with what the Bible says, so therefore it could have been the devil, who spoke to me.
      Another friend, who is an atheist, tried to tell me that the voice, that I heard, came from within my own mind, that it wasn't the voice of God.  He said that religion was a crutch for the weak.
       There have been times when I have hallucinated, when I have been delusional, but I will NEVER question the voice of God, that I heard.
       Why is it so hard for people to accept, that even me, a person with problems, PTSD, and Schizoaffective Disorder, would be spoken to by God?
        Finally, I talked to my Pastor Judy about it.  And she told me, that since "Have strength", was such a positive message, that it was undoubtedly, the voice of God, who reached out to me, in such a time of need.
        I am not trying to say, that I am super-special, because God has spoken to me.  I am just trying to say, that it is not fair, or nice, of anyone to question my faith, and tell me that I am wrong.  And I am far from weak for having Christianity in my life.  I am, in fact the strongest person that I know.
     

     My bronchitis is gone now, and I am able to breathe easier now.  But, still after months, I struggle every night, just to stop tossing & turning, and get a couple of hours of sleep.  Last night I slept for about 3 hours, the night before, I slept just 2 hours.  I feel drained and sad and moody.
      But, I also came to a strong realization today.  There were times in my life, that I was so tormented, so depressed, so psychotic, so paranoid, so delusional, so angry, so isolated, so desperate for happiness and love and peace.
      Now, there is a lot more happiness, and love and peace.  Even though there are days where I feel shitty, for the most part, its been so wonderful.
      I also realized today, that my happiness, is the results of my own actions.  I have been very pro-active in my psychiatric treatment and therapy, I have chosen an amazing partner for life, I chose to work at my job, I helped to pick out our place to live, I have chosen awesome friends, I chose to adopt our little deaf cat, I chose who had to be evicted from my life.
     In my younger years, I felt powerless, and made a million well-intended, but wrong decisions and choices.  I had no clue that I could contribute to changing it all.  I felt that my PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, would some day lead, to my own self-inflicted death.
     I have to wonder if God has answered my prayers.  I know that relapse is inevitable, but maybe I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, next time my life feels so impossible.
      Thank You, Lord.

     About 3 hours after I woke up this morning, my lungs hurt, and my right ear ached.  "Here we go again", I thought to myself.  Fortunately, I did not have to go to work today, so I made an appointment with my physician.  She told me that my asthma was exacerbated, and that my ear hurt because I was congested.  It was probably caused by allergies, the air quality  (it has been extremely humid and hot), or possibly, I was coming down with a cold.  She increased the dosage of my steroid inhaler, and told me to use my Albuteral several times a day, and to take allergy medication.
    It occurred to me, this evening, while talking to a friend, that I have a lot of physical ailments, including, asthma, arthritis, GERD, & Diabetes.  This could be a hereditary thing, but I think that it is no coincidence, that my body suffers, because my mind suffers.  The more stress a person is under, the more their body becomes sick.  Do other people feel the way that I do?
    I also have noticed that my doctors have to work especially hard to heal me, to find causes and cures for illnesses.  And sometimes they focus on my mind and less on my body.  Maybe they feel that my mind is the central computer to my body, and The Master Of All Things Physical.  What do you think?

     I am over my bronchitis now, and no longer taking Prednisone.  The last few weeks were very scary for me, to say the least.  I was sick with bronchitis & asthma, and the Prednisone that I was taking, really messed with my mind.  I was extremely depressed and having suicidal thoughts, while taking it.  I am now, feeling much better, physically and emotionally.  For this, I am very thankful.
     I often wonder how many people on Earth, are extremely thankful, for everything that is given to them.I know that when I am feeling unstable, it is very hard for me to be appreciative and thankful of what life gives me.  But, when my mind is healthy, I am so thankful for my health, my sanity, my life.
     I wonder, often, if I were totally healthy, if I would have the same type of appreciation for the joys of life.
I am thankful for: my amazing husband, who will never give up on me; my wonderful mother, who has been with me through the worst of times; for my awesome friends who are so supportive and kind; for my crazy little, deaf cat, named Julie; for my cozy, little apartment that feels so safe; for my job, because they have always accommodated me, when I needed to go into the hospital, or needed to take a medical leave; I am thankful for having food to eat; and for being a citizen of the USA, where I have freedom to write, freedom to be happy, and excellent medical care.
      Most of all, I am thankful, when God gives me a normal day, where I am able to function normally, and be at my best.  I've said it before, but on these days, I feel like a little kid, at Disneyworld.  Life is so joyous then.  I hope that everyone else, on Earth, feels the same way!

     I have been taking Prednisone for my bronchitis / asthma, and I think that it is having a negative impact on my mind.  I have been feeling depressed and edgy for days, and this morning I was having thoughts of harming myself.  They were brief, involuntary thoughts. In my mind's picture I saw myself, harming myself.
I felt scared, confused, and overwhelmed.  I haven't felt that way since my last hospitalization, which was about a year and a half ago.
     I have come a long way, over the past year and a half though.  I would never act on  suicidal thoughts now.  I really want to live.
     So, I called my physician and explained to the nurse that I was concerned about the fact that I was feeling so miserable and having scary thoughts.  My doctor decided to taper it so tomorrow will be my last day taking it.  They will also inform my psychiatrist.  They also insisted that I go to the hospital, if I continue to feel that way.
      I think that in the future, I will need a different medication, other than Prednisone, if my asthma acts up.
And I feel some relief knowing that tomorrow will be my last day taking it.