This is #100.   Can you believe that?  I can't.  Because this is my 100th blog entry, I originally felt that this would be a celebratory piece.  In truth, I have something different on my mind.  I am going to use this one to make a written prayer to make peace with God.  You see, I have a lot of anger towards God.  I felt like He failed me, when I felt I was left to face my horrible childhood and younger adult years all alone.


My Dear Lord,
I  love You and long to accept You into my soul, but I feel so much anger and mistrust towards You.

Where were You, my Lord when my Violators were violating me?  I was so young, didn't You hear my cries?

Why did You not answer my prayers, Lord, when I was a little child, begging to be saved from the Hell that I was experiencing?

How could You let me lose my half-siblings, Lord, whom I loved so, so much, when I tried to save them from abuse, tried to save their lives?  You should have been my ally, Lord.

Why did You let that bastard beat me and kill my fetal baby, and leave me sterile?  I will never get to experience the joy of motherhood, my Lord.

Why weren't You there to persuade me from attempting suicide, shortly after I lost my baby?  I called out to You that lonesome night, Lord.

Why was I stricken with Schizoaffective Disorder, a serious mental illness, my Lord?  Do You see my everyday struggles my Lord, to survive, in this prejudiced, ignorant world?

Why must I live with PTSD, as a result of my suffering?  None of this is my fault Lord, why must I pay the price, for other's crimes against me?

After giving me this lot in life, my Lord, what it is that You want from me?  What is it that You expect of me?

I shall try my best, Lord to accept You into my life more, regardless of our complicated history.

I shall work my hardest to let go of my anger, and to shed my tears, until there are no more.


Yours Eternally,
Christine

     It has been a rough couple of days for me.  I am dealing with some work problems, that are leaving me feeling disheartened about my job.  It's true, I am starting to long for more, job-wise, but I have been at my job for 5 1/2 years, and I have felt very comfortable there.  I am great at my job, and up until recently, I loved working there. I don't want to be forced into making a move.  I don't handle changes well.
     Frankie and I went to church this morning.  It is Lent, and the parishioners were asked if they would like to light a candle and say a prayer.  I had several prayers in my mind, but I did not want to go light a candle.
I realized that I was angry at God, for letting me feel that my emotions were spiraling, once again.  I felt that too many sad, bad things were happening in the world and in my life.
     The tears started falling down my cheeks and I could not stop them.  And then I found myself praying, asking God to make my tears stop, and then telling Him everything that I wanted to pray about.

     My Dear Lord, it is 4 AM, and I cannot sleep.  My nights are filled with horrendous nightmares, when I do sleep.
Please grant me a night's peaceful sleep, so I may feel a bit of peace in my restless soul.
 Please let me sleep like a newborn baby.  Let me be your little child, my Lord.
I surrender my soul to You.
Thank You Lord, for all that you have given me.  I shall spread Your love to others.

     My husband, Frankie & I had an interesting conversation, this morning.  I wondered aloud, about what it would be like, if I didn't take the medications that I am on.  At present time, I take Effexor, Abilify, BusPar, Trillifon, & Neurontin.  It seems like a lot of medications, and honestly, it really is.  But it all seems to create a balance in me, that I had not felt, until this point in my life.
     I am a firm believer, in medication, when it is needed.  But on days, where I feel really good, I tend to wonder, if I can make it, without psychiatric medication.  I wonder just what the REAL Christine would be like.  Would I be very different?  Do my medications mute or accentuate my personality?
     Upon thought, I realize that medication, is a necessity for me, at this point in my life, and maybe for all of my life.  How else do you fight off demons like deep depression, paranoia leading to fears of being slaughtered alive, feelings of wanting to die, suffocating anxiety, etc.?  I have been in therapy for over 25 years, but it takes medication to treat these ailments.
     There may never be a cure for me, I know.  But I will continue to strive to reach sanity.  I will continue to take my medication.  I will continue to attend all the therapy that I need.  I will continue to write about my life, as it is therapy for me, too.  I will continue to seek happiness.....

     I had an interesting morning, today.  I only got about 3 hours of sleep, last night, but I was on the 7:10 AM Commuterail this morning.  My destination was Boston.  Did I mention how freezing cold it was this morning?
     Once in Boston, I had a visit with my psychiatrist.  She said that I was doing very well, and did not make any medication changes.  I had been having anxiety attacks and flashbacks, just 2 weeks ago, but told her that now, I didn't think that I would need any tranquilizers.
     After that appointment, I had a session with my psychotherapist.  During this session, I discussed the possibility of pressing charges against my father for sexually abusing me 40 years ago, when I was just 6 years old.  My therapist and I, then discussed several scenarios that could take place.  In the end of the discussion, I realized that, because it was 4 decades ago, my chances of a successful prosecution were very low.  And I know that if I don't succeed at sending that pervert to jail, I will be devastated. I will feel that the judicial system failed me also. That experience could send me into a tailspin, emotionally.  It is a lot to think about.....
    In the near future, I will probably write more about my experiences with my father, and my feelings about him.  I will only sum him up in one word now:  MONSTER

     At times, like a lot of people, I question myself, wondering, if I am in the right occupation.
Presently, I work as a part-time clerk, in the Meat Department of a supermarket.  This requires me to stock the refrigerated meat products, check for expired products, weigh and price products, wrap meat, clean work areas, and assist customers on the store floor, and at the butcher case. Not exactly rocket science.  And not exactly, making much of an impact on society.  Unless, of course, you want me to recommend a great steak for you to eat.
     On one hand, its a great job for me.  The guys I work with, are great to me.  Because of a strong union, I have taken several leave of absences, due to my illnesses, and always had a job, to come back to.  The job requires me to be on my feet, doing a lot of lifting, so it is a great physical work-out, also.  I know how to do my job well, and I love helping the customers.  My boss, says that I am his best employee, and that I am great at customer service.  And my job is located close to home and I usually have a ride (very few taxi rides).
     I wonder, quite often though, where I would be occupationally, if I did not have PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Panic Disorder.  Would I have ever made it through college?  What occupation would I have chosen?  Would I be more satisfied with my life?
     I may consider going back to college at some point.  I tried to go back to college about 10 years ago, but for many years, I was taking super heavy-duty anti-psychotics, and it was like a chemical lobotomy.  I just could not focus, concentrate, or even learn.  Later on, for one year, also, I was receiving electro-convulsive therapy  (shock treatments), and my memory would be wiped out, making learning impossible.  I no longer receive shock treatments, and my medications have been changed since then, so maybe I will have a chance at college, at some point.
    Honestly, I have no clue, what I want to be "when I grow up".  I have decided that I would like to make some type of good impact on society.  I ask myself, how do I go about doing that?  And now I wonder, with "My Uncomfortable Mind", if I am already doing just that......
   

     My post, on my personal Facebook page today, reads:  "I'm just not feeling it, today".  It's true.  I feel wiped out, and sad.
    I suspect, that I know, the reason why.  It is because I forgot, to take my morning & afternoon psychiatric medications, on yesterday morning & afternoon...5 different types of drugs, Effexor, Abilify, BuSpar, Trillifon, and Neurontin.
     I remember to take my medications, 98%, of the time, I'd say.  Nobody is perfect, but I strive to be.  The reason, I try so hard, to take my medications, on time, is because, when I miss a dose, or 2, I feel insecure, paranoid, frustrated, scared, panicky, depressed, guilty, etc.
     Yesterday, early in the evening, I had a one-way texting disagreement with a friend from my high school years. It didn't make a lot of sense, frankly.  It wasn't until evening, after my nonsensical, texting, that I remembered that I had forgotten to take my meds.
    This morning, until now, I have felt guilty, for frustrating my friend.  Always remember to take your medications, my friends.