#145.....Feeling Troubled

    I  am feeling sadness, and guilt, because, I have not written, in this blog, for months.
I consider, my, blog called "My Uncomfortable Mind", to be my biggest accomplishment in life.
    It has been a rough summer.   My husband and I, did, however,  go hide away in a log cabin, off the grid. That was so therapeutic, no  television , or telephone.  We did have electricity, though, so we brought my computer, my husbands iPad, both filled with music, and a blue-tooth speaker.
      I was ill with bronchitis for over a month, and this, really triggered my asthma.  I can't say that I was cheerful at this time.  Or even now.
      But later, in the summer, I felt lonely,  with  just Julie, my deaf, beautiful feline, alone in the apartment, with me, for about 12 hours a day, until my husband got home.
       Summer is  a slow time at my church.  I work there part-time.  I feel like I am serving God, by working and volunteering at my church..  I am serving the Lord, no matter how huge or how small, the task is.
     For most of this past summer, I felt tempermental.  I have tried my hardest to be patient , with people, but I haven't been completely successful.
     While I had bronchitis, I was sleepy, or wide awake coughing away.  I kept vomitting or coughing so hard, that I urinated in my bed.   I fell out of bed, at least once.  I was having depression, and auditory hallucinations, mainly, strange, unbelievable music, and mindless chatter.
       When I was a kid and young adult, I lived off of music, television, movies, books, basically mental stimulation.   But now, in my middle age, aged 49, I prefer silence, and deep thought, and prayer, for hours at a time.   Sometimes, my husband will try to talk with me in these troubled moments, and I desire, to tell him to "shut the ---- up".
    I think that I am not completely well, from my illness, and that is a reason why I may be struggling, within.   Please Lord, grant me strengh.

#144....Life Has Been Tough For Me

     It has  been ages since I have written.  Life has been tough for me.  I should have used this as an oppurtunity to write.  I just, haven't been myself.
     I went to 4 funerals and memorials, in 2 months.   The last memorial service was for an 8 year old child, killed in a freak accident.   I felt overwhelmed by all of this death and tragedy surrounding me.  I believe that even the strongest of people would have difficulty, in these situations.
     I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and I just couldn't keep it together.
      People panic, when they hear that I have  auditory hallucinations.  They think that I hear scary voices, telling me to harm others.  For me, I tend to hear strange music, that I cannot describe.   Sometimes I hear several voices,  at once, chattering away, but I cannot figure out what they are saying.   It is all a sign of stress for  me.  And it was triggered a few weeks back, scaring the Hell out of me.
     I had a  wonderful time, a couple of weeks later, visiting my mother, in another state, up north.
I did, however, spend a few nights  coughing all night, and towards  the end, I felt quite homesick, and left soon after.
     My mother  was concerned about my coughing, so she insisted  that I see a doctor.   So, I did...3 different times , and learned, that I have bronchitis, allergies and asthma, acting up.   With the humidity and hot weather, they expect it to be awhile before I get  well.
    I  finally got a home nebulizer, for my asthma, and I am feeling much better, at this point.
    Yesterday, though, I felt sleepy, lethargic, and depressed, for no apparent reason.
     Summers, typically, are very upsetting to me.  I get a lot of sadness, panic, depression,  basically from triggers from my past.   Please help me, Lord, and all of those who suffer, like me.