#138.....Little Sister

     I may have mentioned, at some point, in this blog, that I have a younger sister and a younger brother.  Technically, they are my half-siblings, by my father's later, second marriage.   They meant so much to me.
     My father emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abused me.  When I told my younger sister,  that our father had molested me, I was banished  from the family.  My father turned my brother and sister against me.  My father threatened to sue me for "slander".
     I was 18 years old, at the time.   They were adolescents.   You can't tell me that he didn't abuse his other children, too.  He's one sick bastard.
     I tried to speak to my brother, years later, He called me a "liar", and said that my story was "bullshit".
     My sister tried to contact me, when she became a young adult.  But our father told her that if she didn't cut off  all contact with me, that she would never see her mother alive again.
      Every time I lost my brother and sister, I felt as if death had occurred.   I mourned so deeply for years and years.
     My therapist suggested that I try to contact my younger sister, by sending her a letter.  In truth, I'm not sure that I can.   What if she rejects me again?    I know that my younger brother is a lot like my father....stubborn, verbally abusive, racist, chauvenistic, etc., etc., etc.  I will not be contacting him, sadly.
      Does anybody out there, have any ideas for me, about contacting my "little sister"?  

#137.....Surviving Illness

     I have been, incredibly irritable for the last two weeks.  Every time my wonderful husband tries to talk to me, I want to scream : "Shut The Fuck Up!  Leave Me The Hell Alone!!".   Even his asking me if I want a cup of coffee, in the morning,, is causing me to feel hostile.
     As time goes on, I realize, that I have a  nasty cold virus.   I am battling it, as best that I can, but still, I feel miserably ill.  My sinuses are leaking like crazy.  My chest is uncomfortable.   I could use some cough syrup, with codeine in it.
      It seems that every time I become physically ill, I become mentally ill.   Usually, I feel deep depression, and horrible anxiety, when I am physically ill.
     It makes sense.  My body, can only handle so much, before it breaks down.  But still  I feel frustated, aggravated, basically, a mess.
     It is hard to explain this, to my friends.  For most of my friends, Nyquil, will save them from their colds.  For me...I worry about my life.  Like, can I survive this?

#136....."Those People"

     Have you ever felt discriminated against, by a family member, or worse, several family members?
Yeah.....I don't know what to say, really.  I just want a family that truly loves me.
    All I know, is that my wonderful husband practically begged these people to visit me, while I was in a Psychiatric Unit of a hospital, about 2 months ago.  I was being treated for Deepression.
      They told my husband, that they would not be visiting me, because, "they felt uncomfortable, around, those people".
      I felt like I was going to throw up, when I heard that.  I am, afterall, one of "those people".   I am at times deeply depressed, paranoid, of people killing me, hallucinating, usually hearing my name being called, over and over , panicking, and feeling overwhelmed in certain situations or places,  and having flashbacks, of things that I have seen or experienced.  I am very loving, they say.  But mostly, I feel scared.
     These relatives, came to our apartment, about 2 weeks, after, I got home, from the hospital.   They brought me a plant, saying, that "it would give me something to do".   WTF, does that mean?
      I finally sent them a messege, telling them, how I felt rejected, that they would not see me while I was in the hospital. They did not respond.
      Thanksgiving is coming very soon.  We may end up bumping into them.
     My Mother told me, that, even though, I am ill, I do not look sick.  It truly surprises people when they learn that I have Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.
I have lost a lot of potential friends.  People who were ignorant about mental illness.
      I swear, some seem to expect me to pull out a semi-automatic rifle, at any moment.
     Please people, see my gentle side.   I am a person, just like you.

#135......Hanging In There

     I am feeling so lost, lately.   I had been hopspitalized 5 or 6 weeks, ago, on a Psychiatric Unit., in an excellent hospital.   I chose Electro-Convulsive Therapy, because it had made a positive results.in tthe past.
      After a month or so, I became terrified, and could not make myself go back.
      Beth Isreal Deacnoess Medical Center, did an excellent job treating me   with Electro-Convulsive Therapy..   A former hospital where Electro-Convulsive Therapy was performed on me, they didn't apply enough General Anesthesia, and I believe  it lead to my phobia of ECT.
     I shall try to have deep faith.

      .
     

#134........Lord Please, Give Me A Rest?

     I had been feeling good for a couple of weeks.  I was so happy and amazed.  My mother, said that I sounded happy and "chipper".  I had thought that I was moving forward again, in life.
     But within a few days, I felt as if a bomb had dropped upon me. It occured, about 3 AM, last Friday morning.
      I was shaking, frightened, full of fear, crying.  I couln'r go to work, that mornig.  Instead, I spoke to a Psychologist who gave me 5 tranquilizers,
      I talked to my own Psychiatrist, today.   She made some medication changes., which I hope will help.
     Somewhere, somehow, I was triggered....something struck a nerve.  Something made me feel terrified.
      Oh my Lord, why can't you give me a rest?  I just want to be a normal woman.

#133 Feeling Triggered

     There are times, when I feel down, depressed, overwhelmed and I have absolutely nothing that I can do, or want to do.   On these days, I watch a fair amount of television, often talk shows,
      Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different  episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
     Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart.  Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing.  I couldn't watch the full episodes of  either of these shows.
      I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb.  One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
     In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father.   Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
     I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately.  Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father.   But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath.  My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me.  As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
     Instead, I am often just  upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable.  But  ALL OF THEM?!  It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day.  But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).

#132.....Ending ECT

     I went into a hospital's Psychiatric Unit, at the end of September.  I stayed in-patient for 8 days.
During this time, I went for several Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatments.  In the past more primitive, less empathetic years, it was called "Shock Treatments"  After I left the hospital, I went for a few more ECT treatments.
     My experience with ECT leaves me confused, about how I think and feel about it.  I believe that it  has helped me, but I panicked in the end and quit.  I am terrified of general anesthesia, and general anesthesia is a necessity with ECT.  I have had serious problems with  anesthesia, at another hospital during ECT, in the past.  Consequently, I feared waking up during the treatment, or worse, dying from the treatment.  My fears weren't totally rational.  On the day of my 8th treatment, I broke down, and told the Medical Assistant, that I was sorry, but I was cancelling my appointment, because I was too scared.
     ECT, can cause a loss of memory, also, and I lost a great amount.  It's a disturbing feeling.  You feel helpless, not being able to remember things.  I had to be re-trained to do my office assistant job, which felt humiliating.  Not everyone who gets ECT, has a memory loss problems.  Everyone's experience is different.  I would neither recommend nor disapprove of ECT, if you asked me my opinion.
     I am going through medication changes, and I think that it has also helped me.  My attitude, is getting better everyday.  I'm starting to enjoy myself again.  And I am thankful for all of the prayers that I have recieved.