I am happy to report, that I am doing much better, since my last blog entry.  It took an increase in Abilify, a drug that works as an anti-psychotic, and also gives a boost to anti-depressants, and 6 days home from work, but today went smoothly.
      Today, was my first day back to work, and I was nervous going back, but it went well.  The people I work with were all very supportive of me, and I did not feel overwhelmed by my work.  I got a good amount of work done, and I was pleased by my performance.
     On the days, that I feel good, it feels like a God-given miracle.  I am happy to go to work, to interact with people, to be with those that I love.  I feel so thankful on these so-called "normal" days.  I feel like a little kid at Disneyworld on my happy days.  And I wonder if other people feel the same way, if healthy people have as much appreciation for ordinary days, as I do.
      The bad days are tough to live with.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, really shakes up your life with nightmares, flashbacks, recurring horrifying memories, etc.  Scizoaffective Disorder gives you a mood disorder, either Depression, or Bi-Polar Disorder, with Schizophrenic-type symptoms, like delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, etc.
       I, am, however getting stronger as the years go by.  I've been in psychotherapy and have been on medication for 26 years.  It's taken a long time to find the right medications.  And a long time to heal the trauma in my soul.
       But today, I have no complaints.  Today, I am just thankful.

     After my last blog entry, I thought that I was doing better, but it only lasted a few days.   I saw my psychiatrist on January 14, because I felt anxious.  She lowered one mild anti-anxiety medication dosage, because I didn't feel that it was working, and she prescribed me a stronger tranquilizer.  But 2 days later, I felt depressed.  I didn't want to go to work, my job felt too overwhelming, which made no sense because I have a non-challenging job, and I love to work.
I was irritable, sleeping more, and feeling unlike myself.
     Finally yesterday, I crashed hard.  I started to cry at work, so I went to the ladies room thinking I would cry it out and go back to work.  But instead, I could not stop crying and someone must have heard me.  Before I knew it, I was surrounded by people, having to explain that I was very depressed.
     The managers and staff were supportive, thank God.  My co-worker and friend drove me home.  My boss had told me that if I needed time off, it was OK.  I was so thankful for their kindness, but also embaressed to have other people see me break down.
      I talked to my psychiatrist this morning, and she is increasing one of my anti-depressants, and if that doesn't work she will increase one of my other medications.  But she is confident that I will feel better soon and should be able to return to work next Monday.

     The holidays are over now, and the new year, 2013, has begun.  It was not a good beginning for me, mainly because, I did something wrong, and now, I'm having a very hard time forgiving myself.
     I won't get into the details of what I did, because it is irrelevant, but let's just say that it was a slip-up, a forgivable, very human, sin.  But I am struggling immensely, and feeling worthless, even though, I have been forgiven.
     I have always had a problem with accepting myself, and having good self-esteem.  I think my father, is to blame, with his very sick abuse towards me from early childhood.  He didn't seem to love me,  he always seemed angry at me, so I felt very unlovable.  It was hard, as a little child, feeling that way.
     My angry thoughts still yell:  "You are a worthless, crazy, unlovable, loser, Christine".
     My calm thoughts try to say: "Christine, you are smart, talented, loving, and beautiful. You should not hate yourself."
     But it always seems that my negative thoughts win.
     I am angry at myself for having PTSD, and Schizoaffective Disorder, and for slipping up, when things are difficult.
     I have been in therapy for decades, working hard, for my recovery, but still, I can't forgive myself when I make a mistake.  And I feel like a defective computer, because my brain does not work, the way it should.  Does anybody else, out there, know how I can learn to love myself?  Any input would be immensely appreciated.

     Well, I must be honest, for several days after Christmas & New Year's, I fell apart again.
     I made a mistake and hurt my husband.  I did not mean to hurt him.  I was in a bad place, emotionally, and did the wrong thing.
     My husband and I have talked about it, and he is no longer angry with me and he forgives me, but I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I hated myself for hurting my husband.  I didn't feel that I deserved his love anymore.  I was so upset at myself, that I considered suicide.
      Fortunately, I was able to talk to both my Therapist and my Pastor, and they both told me the same thing.  They told me that I was a good person who made a bad mistake and I was too hard on myself, that I need to forgive myself.
      My depression is lifting, Thank God.  I am also sad because I had to say goodbye to an old friend.
      But I am hopeful, that things will get better.

     I am feeling well, and empowered again.   This is truly a Christmas gift, something spiritual and divine.  God hears my prayers, these days.  It's true, I fell into despair before Christmas, deep despair.  But it's also true, that I had the strength to climb out of it.  For this, I am grateful.  I don't know how I did it, but it happened.
     Usually, Christmas is hard on me.  I get overwhelmed by the crowds, the stimulation, the financial burden, the memories, the flashbacks.  But we simplified it, this year, by doing less shopping trips, and less visiting. My husband and I went to Maine, a rural, God's Country type of state, to visit my mother.  I am, her only child, so it was just the three of us and her 2 big dogs.  And it was so peaceful, relaxing and wonderful.
    I am trying hard to make new memories in my life...Good memories.  I believe that this will be helpful to flush out the bad memories, from the past.  And I am learning to take control and manage my own life, which has helped significantly.  And I pray....

     Today, I am feeling quite a bit better than I had felt for the previous 3 days.  I still do not feel 100% like myself, but I could cope today, with life.
     Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I fell apart, I couldn't think clearly, I had nightmares each night, I cried most of those days.  I stayed in my house, in my nightgown, huddling with my pillow.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, one day I was happy, the next day, I was shell-shocked and devastated.  And I knew that it was all because of the time of year.
     I am reminded of the year, when, I was 9 years old. It was Christmas, and an old ex-boyfriend, of my mother, and his brother, got drunk and fought until the brother broke a ketchup bottle over my mother's ex's head.  It was bloody and all the children were screaming.  I can't wipe out this memory, no matter how I try.
      And I am reminded that my awful father never seemed to want to spend the holidays with me, but he would spent them with his other kids.  I try not to think about him too, but the memories invade me.
      I saw my therapist yesterday afternoon, and we talked quite a bit, and I think that it really helped me a lot.  I think that I now have strength, to make it through this Christmas.

     It is, indeed, the Holiday Season.  And is it hitting me hard.  I feel completely anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, as I seem to feel every year, at Christmas time.
     Yesterday morning, I woke up extremely anxious.  I became angry with my husband because he didn't have much time to spend with me yesterday morning.  I was caving inside and I felt that I needed his calming presence, but he was busy getting ready for work.  I took some medication, to calm me down and went to work.  The medication hit me hard, I felt drugged and off-balance, I could not concentrate.  After an hour at work, I went home.  I was extremely depressed all day.
      Even though today is my day off, I told my boss that I would come in if I felt better.  But when I woke up this morning, I felt worse than I felt yesterday. So, I did not go to work.  I have been crying excessively, all day so far.  I became angry with my husband because I felt that he should have stayed home with me today, because I am such an emotional mess.  Fortunately, he is coming home early today.
      I'm feeling really scared.  I want to go back to work, and a peaceful life.  This is supposed to be a happy time of year, but all it does to me is cause me anguish.  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, I'm hoping that it will help.