At my last visit to my Psychiatrist, she eliminated one type of antidepressant, and added a tranquilizer to take once a day. In some ways, I feel calmer. But it has been a long, rough stretch of time.
I am able to sleep now....THANK YOU LORD, and thanks are also due to psychiatric pharmaceuticals. I still have bad dreams almost every night, though.
I still have no appetitie though. I live on coffee, Coca-cola, or Pepsi-Cola, sometimes juice, an occasional bagel, with egg, bacon, and cheese, cookies, yogurt. I usually try to have dinner, and end up eating a small amount. I have lost 30 pounds, in this past year. I am also a diabetic.
My doctors do not consider my weight loss to be a problem, because I still weigh, 205 pounds. I gained a total of 100 pounds over the years, as a result of taking antipsychotics. And the weight is almost impossible to lose.
I have had a lot of grief and pain within, for quite awhile. Most of this is due to the damage and abuse that was afflicted on me by my father. He was cold as ice, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually, and then he cut off my contact with his children by his 2nd marriage, my half-siblings, finally he discarded me like I was a piece of trash.
It leaves an angry fire within my soul. I am a liberal Christian. The type of Christian who believes that you shouldn't hurt others. But there are times when I want to retaliate against my father, for scarring my soul, and taking my family away. Sometimes, I think that I will never have peace within, until he dies, and can't hurt anymore children and women.
I have had some anxious, weepy days, where I just can't leave my home. I have had some audio hallucinations, as well.
But I will continue praying.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
Thursday, June 11, 2015
#129 Dear Lord........Written May 8, 1998
Dear Lord, when I am warmed, by Your Son, and the beauty of life, please hear my silent praises of
inner-peace and joy,
Dear Lord, when the night becomes dark, and I am alone, with only You, please enjoy my
thoughts, and hear my prayers,
Dear Lord, when I am lost in turmoil and grief, and wary of faith, please soothe my cries, hear my
pleas, and calm my soul,
Dear Lord, when I am overwhelmed with sadness, anger or terror, please hold my soul, and spend
these fearful moments with me, You are the One, I need most to guide me,
Dear Lord, when I feel joy, bliss and ecstacy, please spend these wonderful moments with me,
You are the One, I most want to spend them with.
inner-peace and joy,
Dear Lord, when the night becomes dark, and I am alone, with only You, please enjoy my
thoughts, and hear my prayers,
Dear Lord, when I am lost in turmoil and grief, and wary of faith, please soothe my cries, hear my
pleas, and calm my soul,
Dear Lord, when I am overwhelmed with sadness, anger or terror, please hold my soul, and spend
these fearful moments with me, You are the One, I need most to guide me,
Dear Lord, when I feel joy, bliss and ecstacy, please spend these wonderful moments with me,
You are the One, I most want to spend them with.
#128.....Life Can Be Torturous To Me
I have been feeling rather confused lately. I have had high anxiety, fear, depression. I have been hearing sounds, that just aren't real. I panic when I have audio halluncinations. I feel immence fear, becase I feel that my mind is fucking with me. Why wasn't I born with a healthy mind, Lord?
If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have. I keep having nightmares about him, his wife, and his other kids. So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately. I miss my half-siblings so much. My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him, risking her own children, and me, even though she knew he is a pedophile. She is no better than a pervert. She is protecting a pedophile.
Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father. A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me. I mourn for the father that I never had.
And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore. I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died. And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind. Life can be torturous to me.
If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have. I keep having nightmares about him, his wife, and his other kids. So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately. I miss my half-siblings so much. My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him, risking her own children, and me, even though she knew he is a pedophile. She is no better than a pervert. She is protecting a pedophile.
Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father. A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me. I mourn for the father that I never had.
And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore. I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died. And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind. Life can be torturous to me.
Friday, May 15, 2015
#127......Triggers, Triggers, Triggers
These last 2 weeks, have been torturous, for me., thanks to PTSD. I had been having a lot of nightmares about my father, and my ex, who thankfully, went back, to his home town, in Italy, after I was forced to get a Protective Order against my ex . Both my father, and my ex, abused me mentally, physically, and sexually. My half-sister's Birthday will be, in a few days also. Triggers, triggers, triggers.
I witnessed my half-sister, being molested, when I was 6 years old. She was just a toddler. I think that I stopped him, by saying "Daddy, I'm thirsty Can you get me drink now??" He got busted by a 7 tear old.
My state of mind, is depressed, severely anxious, terrified. I have been irritable, defensive, beligerant & basically, I don't give a shit about anything. I feel like telling, every person who tries to talk to me to, Shut The Fuck Up. My anger within, is so powerful at this time.
I have been having anxirty, depression, and excessive crying, & Panic Attacks. I cannot figure out where such severe responses came from. But some things, we will never find the amswer to.
I don't understand why, at almost 48 years old, that I can still crumble. My friends say that I am a very strong person, but I don't feel strong. I have attempted to end my life 3 times. The last time was in October, 2014. I had reached a point that I just couldn't go on.
Now, after 3 serious suicide attempts, I realize that I must have a purpous in life. Our sweet Lord, spared me. I think that this blog is my purpous in life.
I witnessed my half-sister, being molested, when I was 6 years old. She was just a toddler. I think that I stopped him, by saying "Daddy, I'm thirsty Can you get me drink now??" He got busted by a 7 tear old.
My state of mind, is depressed, severely anxious, terrified. I have been irritable, defensive, beligerant & basically, I don't give a shit about anything. I feel like telling, every person who tries to talk to me to, Shut The Fuck Up. My anger within, is so powerful at this time.
I have been having anxirty, depression, and excessive crying, & Panic Attacks. I cannot figure out where such severe responses came from. But some things, we will never find the amswer to.
I don't understand why, at almost 48 years old, that I can still crumble. My friends say that I am a very strong person, but I don't feel strong. I have attempted to end my life 3 times. The last time was in October, 2014. I had reached a point that I just couldn't go on.
Now, after 3 serious suicide attempts, I realize that I must have a purpous in life. Our sweet Lord, spared me. I think that this blog is my purpous in life.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
#126 .....I'm Just Not Feeling It
It has been over a year since my first hospitalization in March of 2014. I had lost 40 pounds of weight from not eating much of 2013. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in 2013. I'd go to bed, toss and turn, and get up by 3 in the morning. I became depressed, and psychotic, losing my desire to live.
I was hospitalized again in October of 2014, because, I felt my world come crashing in, again and I attempted suicide. I just could not go on anymore. It was a route, that no one should take.
Since these times, I have not been myself. I feel "just OK", on the good days. When my father's birthday came rolling in, February, depression started beating the Hell out of me.
Like many people with PTSD, I have "anniversary dates", that trigger me. My father's birthday, is just one of them.
If you have not read this blog before, my father is a sociopathic, homicidal,sadistic, violent, controlling abuser of women and children.
I often think about going into the details of his abuse, but it is crippling, just to think about, and remember. I can't force myself. Some things may have slipped out, in my blog, over the years, but,
as they say, at this time..... I'm just not feeling it.
I was hospitalized again in October of 2014, because, I felt my world come crashing in, again and I attempted suicide. I just could not go on anymore. It was a route, that no one should take.
Since these times, I have not been myself. I feel "just OK", on the good days. When my father's birthday came rolling in, February, depression started beating the Hell out of me.
Like many people with PTSD, I have "anniversary dates", that trigger me. My father's birthday, is just one of them.
If you have not read this blog before, my father is a sociopathic, homicidal,sadistic, violent, controlling abuser of women and children.
I often think about going into the details of his abuse, but it is crippling, just to think about, and remember. I can't force myself. Some things may have slipped out, in my blog, over the years, but,
as they say, at this time..... I'm just not feeling it.
Monday, March 23, 2015
#125......Trying To Write Again
Forgive me for not writing in a while. Since my illnesses of Schizoaffective disorder, Panic Disorder, & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have struck me, again, in March, 2014, I have not been the same. I go through some content passages, but I always end up feeling out of place, with periods of long sleep, lack of eating, crying, panicking, anger, fear, confusion, depression....need I go on?
One of my greatest achievements, is this blog, "My Uncomfortable Mind". When I can't write, I feel like a loser, a failure. I am much too judgemental about myself. When I do write, I feel that a lot of angst, is released through my soul. I also learn a lot about myself.
My father's birthday was about 2 weeks ago. I have thought a lot about my father, mostly negative experiences. My father struck me as cold. In truth, the crimes that he committed, make him despictable.
I want to know when he dies. I will feel so relieved. He will no longer sexually molest, beat, emotionally abuse children and women. He's not a big man, but he had the ability to break your soul.
It has been over 6 weeks since I wrote the first paragraph, of this blog entry. I am having issues...still, communicating to my readers. My mood has been so-so...that's the best way to put it.
I am still having bad dreams, that haunt my thoughts throughout the day. I dream about my father a lot. I dream about, my ex, who used to beat me. The closet doors of my mind, have opened up...again...
One of my greatest achievements, is this blog, "My Uncomfortable Mind". When I can't write, I feel like a loser, a failure. I am much too judgemental about myself. When I do write, I feel that a lot of angst, is released through my soul. I also learn a lot about myself.
My father's birthday was about 2 weeks ago. I have thought a lot about my father, mostly negative experiences. My father struck me as cold. In truth, the crimes that he committed, make him despictable.
I want to know when he dies. I will feel so relieved. He will no longer sexually molest, beat, emotionally abuse children and women. He's not a big man, but he had the ability to break your soul.
It has been over 6 weeks since I wrote the first paragraph, of this blog entry. I am having issues...still, communicating to my readers. My mood has been so-so...that's the best way to put it.
I am still having bad dreams, that haunt my thoughts throughout the day. I dream about my father a lot. I dream about, my ex, who used to beat me. The closet doors of my mind, have opened up...again...
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
#124.....Please Lord, Let Me Write
My Dearest Lord,
I think that I am in need of your assistance. It has become quite a struggle to write, It's also become very quirky.
My fingers are a bit twitchy, no doubt, the result of anti-psychotic medications that I must ingest.
My brain is affected. I often think one word, yet write another word. I often think one word, yet speak another word.
It has been over 3 months, since I attempted to end my life. Emotionally, I am confused. Part of me wishes that I could have gone to Heaven. Part of me feels ashamed at what I have done to myself, & how it affected others. I feel a bit flat, but happiness, is approaching, I feel.
Please, Lord, don't let me lose my ability to write.
.
I think that I am in need of your assistance. It has become quite a struggle to write, It's also become very quirky.
My fingers are a bit twitchy, no doubt, the result of anti-psychotic medications that I must ingest.
My brain is affected. I often think one word, yet write another word. I often think one word, yet speak another word.
It has been over 3 months, since I attempted to end my life. Emotionally, I am confused. Part of me wishes that I could have gone to Heaven. Part of me feels ashamed at what I have done to myself, & how it affected others. I feel a bit flat, but happiness, is approaching, I feel.
Please, Lord, don't let me lose my ability to write.
.
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