#161....Easter Sunday, 2019

      Today is Easter Sunday, April 21, 2019.
     I had a wonderful  Easter with my husband, my in-laws, and my nieces.
      Leading up to it, the days before, was pure Hell.  I spent yesterday morning, the day before Easter, in the Emergency Room.
     For 2 days, I vomited, had diarrhea, could not sleep, and when I did, it was nightmares.  I was clammy, hot and cold, hot and cold.   I was dehydrated, my blood pressure was high, my blood sugar rising.   I was shivering, shaking, panicking.    I was getting confused.
       The nurses gave me liquid IV fluids , Zofran, which kills nausea, and Ativan, a tranquilizer , to stop my anxiety and shaking. I felt a lot better, after that, when I got home to take my medications.              There are like 12 medications that I take, several of them, psychiatric meds.  I was so confused at the hospital, that I could not tell them which drugs that  I take.
     I have  had such a rough road this past year  or two.   When I was in my 20's, I had bad migraines, that were originally diagnosed as seizures,   I would get confused and lose consciousness.
     After that my illnesses were mainly psychiatric.  I spent several stays in psychiatric wards. 
I was diagnosed as having Schizoaffective Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression, Anxiety Disorder.
    Once I hit my middle 40's, I began to develop physical symptoms.   I went through menopause starting at 44.  I developed Diabetes, as the result of a psychiatric drug. 
     Around  50, my Diabetes got bad and I developed Diabetes Ketoacidosis, which came close to killing me.   After that,  I developed Gastroparesis....I hope that it is spelled right.   It is related to Diabetes, and basically means that my stomach is not doing its job....it is so slow.
     I find myself sad and confused at times.   I am grateful to be alive still, but overwhelmed at the weights that I must carry.

#160......Please Lord.....Take Away The Pain

   I have been trying to write new posts, but I feel will like I have failed.  For over a year.
   I have been self-absorbed, in my physical health.
   But truthfully, I have been suffering, emotionally and mentally.
    Physically, I have had Diabetes Type 2 for like 11 or 12 years.   But, in  late January, 2018, I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis.  My blood sugar escalated, I could not stop vomiting, I had diarrhea, I was incredibly thirsty, but the scary part was that I had water on the brain, and brain swelling.  Honestly, I felt close to dying.  I spent 4 days in the Intensive Care Unit.
     In  July of 2018, I was hospitalized  , for a kidney infection.  And then in November, 2018, I was hospitalized for another kidney infection.   I thought that emotionally, that I  was doing OK.
      Yeah, right.......
      My husband kept telling me that my "My Closet Door In My Brain" was about to open.   I didn't believe him.  And then, within the past week, I watched a program about Michael Jackson's Neverland.  It described, by victims how Michael Jackson had violated them.
      This completely set me off.....I fell apart,  remembering how I have been sexually abused by my sperm donor and 5 other men.
      Oh, my Lord.....please take away the pain.....I am dying inside.

#158.....Trying To Put It All Together

     I was hospitalized, for the third time this year, just 2 weeks ago.   My second kidney infection in 4 months.   My physician is not happy.   I can only say, that, I am so happy to be alive.  In December, 2017, I developed  Pneumonia.   In January, 2018, I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis, in July 2018, I developed a Kidney Infection, and in November 2018, another Kidney Infection.  All of these times,  I was so physically sick, that I felt like I was dying.
      It has been such a difficult year.  At times, I feel so grateful to have survived these illnesses, but at times, I am so damn depressed, so sad, so scared.
     The depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and physical illnesses have done a real number on my soul.   I often feel like I am fading away.  And my wonderful husband has to live with these situations.
      To all of my friends, who suffer from mental illness, I know that you know where I am coming from.  You are all in my prayers.

# 157...Still Terrified

     All through the physical ailments that life has subjected me to, recently, I have been haunted about a life I led almost 30 years ago.
     I met a really adorable Italian guy in my early 20's.  I knew exactly when I became pregnant.   Then one morning we had an argument.  The next thing I knew, I hit the floor and he was kicking me in my back.   I was fighting for my life.  I lost the baby and was never able to conceive again.
     I still dream of him, even though I have a great  husband.  Usually we are in Italy, walking around the town, or drinking cappuccinos.  Happy stuff.  Yahoo.
     I guess that my mind is struggling, as we never talked it over before I ran away.  He had bitten me on my thigh,  I found my finger nails to be broken, and my soul had had enough.
     I know that my PTSD is bringing this shit up. PTSD has a huge refuge within me.  I try to expel it by writing and psychotherapy. 
     I don't know what is worse.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?   Major Depression?   Severe Anxiety?   Paranoia,?  Hallucinations,?  Schizoaffective Disorder?   Yeah, I have them all.  And I just don't know.
     Sweet Lord, save my soul from drowning.  Please help me to find meaning in all of this.

#156 Physical Illness and emotional pain

I haven't written, in this blog,  entitled : "My Uncomfortable Mind", in almost a year.   Yeah, I am disappointed in myself.   The truth is, that I felt shitty for most of this time period,   I did not have any motivation to write.

      In December,  2017, I developed Pneumonia.  In the few months before this, I had felt,  exhausted, unmotivated, and I had been vomiting a lot.

      In late January, 2018, I was vomiting uncontrollably, I had diarrhea.   I was unbelievably thirsty, yet couldn't keep even a drop of liquid down.  

       I went to my doctor's office, where they soon sent me to the Emergency Room of a prominent Boston hospital.   I had terrible dehydration.  I remember trying to ask a nurse for water.   All I could say was :" Um, um, um".   I could barely speak,  I could not think.  I could not tell the doctor my home address.   My brain was swollen, my brain had water on it.   I had Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and I came close to dying.  

      I spent 3 nights in the Intensive Care Unit, where they pumped me full of IV Insulin.   I survived, but it has been rough, ever since.

      I developed diabetes, as the result of taking an antipsychotic, that caused it, at least 15 years ago.

My diabetes was well controlled with pills up until January 2018.  Now, I am testing my blood sugar several times a day, and administering insulin, at least once a day,  then as needed.

       In July, 2018,  I was vomiting for about  a week, with diarrhea, , and I couldn't think again.   The nurse at my health plan, told me to go to the hospital, as soon as possible.  It turns out that I had a bad kidney infection, and I spent 4 nights in the hospital, with IV antibiotics pumped into me. 

      My friend and Pastor Judy, said that it doesn't seem fair that I should have to suffer mentally, emotionally, and now physically.  She is SO right.

     

#155

     The frequency of my blog, has slowed down, over time.   I desire to write positive things, but I am suffering, deep within my soul, from negative things.
     It started several months ago.  A close friend of mine had been seriously assaulted,  her head bashed onto the ground, by her boyfriend about 2 years ago.  Then, recently, her boyfriend seriously, assaulted her teenage son, attempting to strangle him to death.
     I felt frightened by his violence, so I told my friend, that I could no longer associate  with her boyfriend.   After a month, or 2, I decided to give this guy a chance, a voice, trying to get his opinion on this situation.    His response?  He blames it on his Bipolar Disorder, saying:  "It could happen again".
      Oh dear Lord, it totally triggered my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  It started with Migraine Headaches, rashes all over my body,  endless nightmares, visual hallucinations,  insomnia,  stomach upsets,  deep depression, severe anxiety.
     My friend, didn't want to associate with me, when I told her that I couldn't be near her boyfriend.  She equated my mental illness, with his mental illness,  even though we are nothing alike.  She felt that I should emphasize with him.   Yet, I do not try to kill or assault those around me, like he does.
     If this boyfriend cannot control his violence, then I believe that he should not be loose in society,
I have  missed my friend,  so much.  I felt so rejected, as well.  I want  her, to get away from this asshole, before he kills her, or her son.
.     Please Lord, hear my prayers.

#154.....A Brain MRI

     A lot has been happening to me, physically, emotionally and mentally.   I have been vomiting just about every  day.  But what is most concerning, has been sleep disturbances.  I see strange creatures crawling the walls, while awakening.  I have hallucinated also strange boys in my  bedroom.    I swore that mice were sleeping with me.   When I turn the light on,  nothing and nobody is there, except for  my husband..   I have also found myself awakening downstairs on the living room sofa, after sleepwalking from the bed to the sofa.  I have horrifying nightmares, as well.   To be safe, I went for an MRI today.
     I have gone for Brain MRI's before, but this one hit me  hard.   I cried all of this morning  before, the procedure.                                                                                                                                                   I am being attacked by Depression, badly.  I took 2 tranquilizers spaced apart, but still  panicked and cried when they put a mask on my face., before the MRI.  I am claustrophobic.   They told me to keep my eyes shut, so I did.
     I survived my MRI, but for some reason, I just don't have a positive feeling about this.  The Doctors tell me that, there is probably nothing wrong with my brain.  It is  entirely possible, that this is trauma related.  As you may know, my father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive towards me.  For this reason, I have Post Traumatic Stress  Disorder.   For this reason, I will probably always have trauma issues.
     I have discovered,  over the years, that mental or traumatic stress can produce some really, fucking strange, scary symptoms.