# 157...Still Terrified

     All through the physical ailments that life has subjected me to, recently, I have been haunted about a life I led almost 30 years ago.
     I met a really adorable Italian guy in my early 20's.  I knew exactly when I became pregnant.   Then one morning we had an argument.  The next thing I knew, I hit the floor and he was kicking me in my back.   I was fighting for my life.  I lost the baby and was never able to conceive again.
     I still dream of him, even though I have a great  husband.  Usually we are in Italy, walking around the town, or drinking cappuccinos.  Happy stuff.  Yahoo.
     I guess that my mind is struggling, as we never talked it over before I ran away.  He had bitten me on my thigh,  I found my finger nails to be broken, and my soul had had enough.
     I know that my PTSD is bringing this shit up. PTSD has a huge refuge within me.  I try to expel it by writing and psychotherapy. 
     I don't know what is worse.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?   Major Depression?   Severe Anxiety?   Paranoia,?  Hallucinations,?  Schizoaffective Disorder?   Yeah, I have them all.  And I just don't know.
     Sweet Lord, save my soul from drowning.  Please help me to find meaning in all of this.