#158.....Trying To Put It All Together

     I was hospitalized, for the third time this year, just 2 weeks ago.   My second kidney infection in 4 months.   My physician is not happy.   I can only say, that, I am so happy to be alive.  In December, 2017, I developed  Pneumonia.   In January, 2018, I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis, in July 2018, I developed a Kidney Infection, and in November 2018, another Kidney Infection.  All of these times,  I was so physically sick, that I felt like I was dying.
      It has been such a difficult year.  At times, I feel so grateful to have survived these illnesses, but at times, I am so damn depressed, so sad, so scared.
     The depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and physical illnesses have done a real number on my soul.   I often feel like I am fading away.  And my wonderful husband has to live with these situations.
      To all of my friends, who suffer from mental illness, I know that you know where I am coming from.  You are all in my prayers.

# 157...Still Terrified

     All through the physical ailments that life has subjected me to, recently, I have been haunted about a life I led almost 30 years ago.
     I met a really adorable Italian guy in my early 20's.  I knew exactly when I became pregnant.   Then one morning we had an argument.  The next thing I knew, I hit the floor and he was kicking me in my back.   I was fighting for my life.  I lost the baby and was never able to conceive again.
     I still dream of him, even though I have a great  husband.  Usually we are in Italy, walking around the town, or drinking cappuccinos.  Happy stuff.  Yahoo.
     I guess that my mind is struggling, as we never talked it over before I ran away.  He had bitten me on my thigh,  I found my finger nails to be broken, and my soul had had enough.
     I know that my PTSD is bringing this shit up. PTSD has a huge refuge within me.  I try to expel it by writing and psychotherapy. 
     I don't know what is worse.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?   Major Depression?   Severe Anxiety?   Paranoia,?  Hallucinations,?  Schizoaffective Disorder?   Yeah, I have them all.  And I just don't know.
     Sweet Lord, save my soul from drowning.  Please help me to find meaning in all of this.

#156 Physical Illness and emotional pain

I haven't written, in this blog,  entitled : "My Uncomfortable Mind", in almost a year.   Yeah, I am disappointed in myself.   The truth is, that I felt shitty for most of this time period,   I did not have any motivation to write.

      In December,  2017, I developed Pneumonia.  In the few months before this, I had felt,  exhausted, unmotivated, and I had been vomiting a lot.

      In late January, 2018, I was vomiting uncontrollably, I had diarrhea.   I was unbelievably thirsty, yet couldn't keep even a drop of liquid down.  

       I went to my doctor's office, where they soon sent me to the Emergency Room of a prominent Boston hospital.   I had terrible dehydration.  I remember trying to ask a nurse for water.   All I could say was :" Um, um, um".   I could barely speak,  I could not think.  I could not tell the doctor my home address.   My brain was swollen, my brain had water on it.   I had Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and I came close to dying.  

      I spent 3 nights in the Intensive Care Unit, where they pumped me full of IV Insulin.   I survived, but it has been rough, ever since.

      I developed diabetes, as the result of taking an antipsychotic, that caused it, at least 15 years ago.

My diabetes was well controlled with pills up until January 2018.  Now, I am testing my blood sugar several times a day, and administering insulin, at least once a day,  then as needed.

       In July, 2018,  I was vomiting for about  a week, with diarrhea, , and I couldn't think again.   The nurse at my health plan, told me to go to the hospital, as soon as possible.  It turns out that I had a bad kidney infection, and I spent 4 nights in the hospital, with IV antibiotics pumped into me. 

      My friend and Pastor Judy, said that it doesn't seem fair that I should have to suffer mentally, emotionally, and now physically.  She is SO right.