#127......Triggers, Triggers, Triggers

     These  last 2 weeks, have been torturous, for me., thanks to PTSD.  I had been having a lot of nightmares about my father, and my  ex, who thankfully, went back, to his home town, in Italy, after I was forced to get a Protective Order against my ex .  Both my father, and my ex, abused me mentally, physically, and sexually.  My half-sister's Birthday  will be, in a few days also.  Triggers, triggers, triggers.
      I witnessed my half-sister, being molested, when I was 6 years old. She was just a toddler. I think that I stopped him, by saying "Daddy, I'm thirsty Can you get me drink now??" He got busted by a 7 tear old.
    My state of mind, is depressed, severely anxious,  terrified.  I have been irritable, defensive,  beligerant & basically, I don't give a shit about anything.  I feel like telling, every person who tries to talk to me to, Shut The Fuck Up.  My anger within, is so powerful at this time.
      I have been having anxirty, depression, and excessive crying, & Panic Attacks. I cannot  figure out where such  severe  responses came from.  But some things, we will never find the amswer to.
     I don't understand why, at almost 48 years old, that I can still crumble.   My friends say that I am a very strong person, but I don't feel strong.  I have attempted to end my life 3 times.  The last time was in October, 2014. I had reached a point that I just couldn't go on.
     Now, after 3 serious suicide attempts, I realize that I must have a purpous in life.  Our sweet Lord, spared me.   I think that this blog is my purpous in life.

#126 .....I'm Just Not Feeling It

     It has been over a year since my first hospitalization in March of 2014.  I had lost 40 pounds of weight from not eating much of 2013.  I hadn't had a good  night's sleep in 2013.  I'd go to bed, toss and turn, and get up by 3 in the morning.   I became depressed, and psychotic, losing my desire to live.
     I was hospitalized again in October of 2014, because, I felt my world come crashing in, again and I attempted suicide.  I just could not go on anymore.  It was a route, that no one should take.
     Since these times, I have not been myself.  I feel "just OK", on the good days.  When my father's birthday came rolling in, February,  depression started beating the Hell out of me.
      Like many people with PTSD, I have "anniversary dates", that trigger me.  My father's birthday, is just one of them.
     If you have not read this blog before, my father is a sociopathic, homicidal,sadistic, violent, controlling abuser of women and children.
     I often think about going into the details of his abuse, but it is crippling, just to think about, and remember.  I can't force myself.   Some things may have slipped out, in my blog, over the years, but,
as they say, at  this time..... I'm just not feeling it.

#125......Trying To Write Again

     Forgive me for not writing in a while.  Since my illnesses of Schizoaffective disorder, Panic Disorder, & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have struck me, again, in March, 2014, I have not been the same.  I go through some content passages, but I always end up feeling out of place, with  periods of long sleep, lack of eating, crying, panicking, anger, fear, confusion, depression....need I go on?
   
      One of my greatest achievements, is this blog, "My Uncomfortable Mind".  When I can't write, I feel like a loser, a failure.   I am much too judgemental about myself.  When I do write, I feel that a lot of angst, is released through my soul.  I also learn a lot about myself.

  My father's birthday was about 2 weeks ago.  I have thought a lot about my father, mostly negative experiences.  My father struck me as cold.  In truth, the crimes that he committed, make him despictable.
     I want to know when he dies.  I will feel so relieved.  He will no longer sexually molest, beat, emotionally abuse children and women.  He's not a big man, but he had the ability to break your soul.

     It has been over 6 weeks since I wrote the first paragraph, of this blog entry.  I am having issues...still, communicating to my readers.  My mood has been so-so...that's the best way to put it.
     I am still having bad dreams, that haunt my thoughts throughout the day.  I dream about my father a lot.  I dream about, my ex,  who used to beat me.  The closet doors of my mind, have opened up...again...

#124.....Please Lord, Let Me Write

 My Dearest Lord,
I think that I am in need of your assistance.  It has become quite a struggle to write,  It's also become very quirky.
My fingers are a bit twitchy, no doubt, the result of anti-psychotic medications that I must ingest.
My brain is affected.  I often think one word, yet write another word.  I often think one word, yet speak another word.
It has been over 3 months, since I attempted to end my life.   Emotionally, I am confused.  Part of me wishes that I could have gone to Heaven.  Part of me feels ashamed at what I have done to myself, & how it affected others.  I feel a bit flat, but happiness, is approaching, I feel.
Please, Lord, don't let me lose my ability to write.

.

#123.....Trying To Heal

     I'm really struggling, to write this blog.  I feel like I'm pushong a giant boulder, uphill..  I simply do not know what  to write.
     Before, most of my blog entries, just oozed out of my soul.  New Psychiatric medications have found me with twitching fingers, spelling wrong letters.  I am also having trouble with comprehension, meaning, I have to read sentances over and over.
       I am starting to do better, I do not have paranoia, or auditory halluciations, lately.   I am sleeping very well now, which has significantly helped my state of mind.  I have been having negative dreams every night, however they are not nightmares.  I still feel sensitive and vulnerable inside.  And I have no appetite.
     I have a bit of a ways to go, but I feel optimistic.

#122.....Inner Shame...

     I feel like a failure.  I have failed everyone, who knows about my recent suicide attempt.
I ffeel like a loser....I didn't wanr to save myself.    I was beyond saving.  I didn't give a fuck, anymore.
     My Dear Lord, please forgive me.  My wonderful husband, I am so sorry for traumatizing you.
Same to my dear Mama and friends....Those that never gave up on me.
     I can't believe thay I could do this to myself...for the third time. I feel despair within...I feel so, so sad, these days..

#121......I'm Not Ready For Heaven....

     On October 13...which was also the anniversary of my Nana's death, and close to the time that I miscarried, my baby, a couple of decades ago, with a lot of problems in the family, with my loss of my beloved job, in the supermarket, with my half-brother's birthday coming up, the holiday season coming soon, etc., etc., etc., I attempted to end my life. And no, I am not a coward.
     I got up that morning, after a very quiet, depressed weekend before, and told my husband, that I didn't want to live anumore.
      I went upstairs, and tied a plastic bag over my head and hid under the blankets.  My husband came upstairs, sometime later and found me, saying "What the fuck did you do, Christine".
      It's the third suicide attempt, that I have made in my life.  Depression is a killer.
Frank told me that if I didn't agree to go to the hospital, with him, that he would call the police & EMT's,.
     I spent a week on a psychiatric ward, of a hospital.  The food was awful, and some of the patients were shouting, & threatening.
     What did I learn??  I had numerous friends and family visit me and  tell me that they loved me, that I was beautiful & awesome, and that some people would never get over my death.  I had not realized, how loved that I was before.
     This gives me a more positive feeling about life. This makes me want to live.