#141

     I,  had been travelling through life, OK,..  Or,.It least, that is what I had told myself,  lately.
      Mental illness and PTSD, have fooled me many, times.    I didn't know that things were going wrong.  I felt somewhat numb.
     It was my husband, who told me, that I was going through psychiatric discomfort, recently.  My husband is amazing.  He can pick up my behaviors amd tics, right away, and know, that I am going through HELL..
     Still, I cannot help, feeling scared, sometimes terrified.

#140...Will The Anger Within Me Ever Die?

    I am mostly easy going, kind, gentle, intelligent.   But within me, there is a lot of anxiety, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of sorrow,  a lot of frustration,  and a lot of anger.
     I have mentioned this, at points in this blog, that my father abused me, and my half sister and half brother, in a very sick way.
     In my late teens, I felt compelled to help my half sister, and I told her what happened to me.  My father found out and cut off all contact that I had with my half siblings.
     I think that the loss of my half siblings was worse than the abuse, that I endured, at my father's hands.  It has been over 30 years since I have had a relationship with them.
      Last, I heard, my half brother , said that my claims were "bullshit".  My half sister tried writing to me, until our father told her " that she would never see her mother again, if she kept writing to me".
    I don't have any other siblings.  How do I resolve this heartbreak?
     I thought that I was doing alright, but my husband knows me very well, and told me, that I was having problems, that I was thinking of my father and my half siblings a lot.

#139...Remarkable Broad

      Recently, I went to see my physician for a physical.   During my physical, Dr. K. said to me:
"I just want you to know, that you are extremely intelligent   I don't think that you realize how intelligent you are."  "Really?" I said.  "Yes", Dr. K. said.  "How do you know this?"  I said.  Dr. K. said "I have been your doctor for at least 15 years."  "As a doctor, I have met a lot of people, but you are one of the most intelligent, that I have met."
     "Don't ever sell yourself short", she said.   "You have had a lot of  ups and downs in your life, but you always pull yourself up and out of it."   Then she said:  "You are one remarkable broad".
      Dr. K.'s compliment was one of the best that I have ever heard.  It moved me to tears, in fact.
Dr. K. was scheduled to retire, the day after I saw her.  I am missing her, so much.

#138.....Little Sister

     I may have mentioned, at some point, in this blog, that I have a younger sister and a younger brother.  Technically, they are my half-siblings, by my father's later, second marriage.   They meant so much to me.
     My father emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abused me.  When I told my younger sister,  that our father had molested me, I was banished  from the family.  My father turned my brother and sister against me.  My father threatened to sue me for "slander".
     I was 18 years old, at the time.   They were adolescents.   You can't tell me that he didn't abuse his other children, too.  He's one sick bastard.
     I tried to speak to my brother, years later, He called me a "liar", and said that my story was "bullshit".
     My sister tried to contact me, when she became a young adult.  But our father told her that if she didn't cut off  all contact with me, that she would never see her mother alive again.
      Every time I lost my brother and sister, I felt as if death had occurred.   I mourned so deeply for years and years.
     My therapist suggested that I try to contact my younger sister, by sending her a letter.  In truth, I'm not sure that I can.   What if she rejects me again?    I know that my younger brother is a lot like my father....stubborn, verbally abusive, racist, chauvenistic, etc., etc., etc.  I will not be contacting him, sadly.
      Does anybody out there, have any ideas for me, about contacting my "little sister"?  

#137.....Surviving Illness

     I have been, incredibly irritable for the last two weeks.  Every time my wonderful husband tries to talk to me, I want to scream : "Shut The Fuck Up!  Leave Me The Hell Alone!!".   Even his asking me if I want a cup of coffee, in the morning,, is causing me to feel hostile.
     As time goes on, I realize, that I have a  nasty cold virus.   I am battling it, as best that I can, but still, I feel miserably ill.  My sinuses are leaking like crazy.  My chest is uncomfortable.   I could use some cough syrup, with codeine in it.
      It seems that every time I become physically ill, I become mentally ill.   Usually, I feel deep depression, and horrible anxiety, when I am physically ill.
     It makes sense.  My body, can only handle so much, before it breaks down.  But still  I feel frustated, aggravated, basically, a mess.
     It is hard to explain this, to my friends.  For most of my friends, Nyquil, will save them from their colds.  For me...I worry about my life.  Like, can I survive this?

#136....."Those People"

     Have you ever felt discriminated against, by a family member, or worse, several family members?
Yeah.....I don't know what to say, really.  I just want a family that truly loves me.
    All I know, is that my wonderful husband practically begged these people to visit me, while I was in a Psychiatric Unit of a hospital, about 2 months ago.  I was being treated for Deepression.
      They told my husband, that they would not be visiting me, because, "they felt uncomfortable, around, those people".
      I felt like I was going to throw up, when I heard that.  I am, afterall, one of "those people".   I am at times deeply depressed, paranoid, of people killing me, hallucinating, usually hearing my name being called, over and over , panicking, and feeling overwhelmed in certain situations or places,  and having flashbacks, of things that I have seen or experienced.  I am very loving, they say.  But mostly, I feel scared.
     These relatives, came to our apartment, about 2 weeks, after, I got home, from the hospital.   They brought me a plant, saying, that "it would give me something to do".   WTF, does that mean?
      I finally sent them a messege, telling them, how I felt rejected, that they would not see me while I was in the hospital. They did not respond.
      Thanksgiving is coming very soon.  We may end up bumping into them.
     My Mother told me, that, even though, I am ill, I do not look sick.  It truly surprises people when they learn that I have Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.
I have lost a lot of potential friends.  People who were ignorant about mental illness.
      I swear, some seem to expect me to pull out a semi-automatic rifle, at any moment.
     Please people, see my gentle side.   I am a person, just like you.

#135......Hanging In There

     I am feeling so lost, lately.   I had been hopspitalized 5 or 6 weeks, ago, on a Psychiatric Unit., in an excellent hospital.   I chose Electro-Convulsive Therapy, because it had made a positive results.in tthe past.
      After a month or so, I became terrified, and could not make myself go back.
      Beth Isreal Deacnoess Medical Center, did an excellent job treating me   with Electro-Convulsive Therapy..   A former hospital where Electro-Convulsive Therapy was performed on me, they didn't apply enough General Anesthesia, and I believe  it lead to my phobia of ECT.
     I shall try to have deep faith.

      .