#161....Easter Sunday, 2019

      Today is Easter Sunday, April 21, 2019.
     I had a wonderful  Easter with my husband, my in-laws, and my nieces.
      Leading up to it, the days before, was pure Hell.  I spent yesterday morning, the day before Easter, in the Emergency Room.
     For 2 days, I vomited, had diarrhea, could not sleep, and when I did, it was nightmares.  I was clammy, hot and cold, hot and cold.   I was dehydrated, my blood pressure was high, my blood sugar rising.   I was shivering, shaking, panicking.    I was getting confused.
       The nurses gave me liquid IV fluids , Zofran, which kills nausea, and Ativan, a tranquilizer , to stop my anxiety and shaking. I felt a lot better, after that, when I got home to take my medications.              There are like 12 medications that I take, several of them, psychiatric meds.  I was so confused at the hospital, that I could not tell them which drugs that  I take.
     I have  had such a rough road this past year  or two.   When I was in my 20's, I had bad migraines, that were originally diagnosed as seizures,   I would get confused and lose consciousness.
     After that my illnesses were mainly psychiatric.  I spent several stays in psychiatric wards. 
I was diagnosed as having Schizoaffective Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Major Depression, Anxiety Disorder.
    Once I hit my middle 40's, I began to develop physical symptoms.   I went through menopause starting at 44.  I developed Diabetes, as the result of a psychiatric drug. 
     Around  50, my Diabetes got bad and I developed Diabetes Ketoacidosis, which came close to killing me.   After that,  I developed Gastroparesis....I hope that it is spelled right.   It is related to Diabetes, and basically means that my stomach is not doing its job....it is so slow.
     I find myself sad and confused at times.   I am grateful to be alive still, but overwhelmed at the weights that I must carry.

#160......Please Lord.....Take Away The Pain

   I have been trying to write new posts, but I feel will like I have failed.  For over a year.
   I have been self-absorbed, in my physical health.
   But truthfully, I have been suffering, emotionally and mentally.
    Physically, I have had Diabetes Type 2 for like 11 or 12 years.   But, in  late January, 2018, I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis.  My blood sugar escalated, I could not stop vomiting, I had diarrhea, I was incredibly thirsty, but the scary part was that I had water on the brain, and brain swelling.  Honestly, I felt close to dying.  I spent 4 days in the Intensive Care Unit.
     In  July of 2018, I was hospitalized  , for a kidney infection.  And then in November, 2018, I was hospitalized for another kidney infection.   I thought that emotionally, that I  was doing OK.
      Yeah, right.......
      My husband kept telling me that my "My Closet Door In My Brain" was about to open.   I didn't believe him.  And then, within the past week, I watched a program about Michael Jackson's Neverland.  It described, by victims how Michael Jackson had violated them.
      This completely set me off.....I fell apart,  remembering how I have been sexually abused by my sperm donor and 5 other men.
      Oh, my Lord.....please take away the pain.....I am dying inside.

#158.....Trying To Put It All Together

     I was hospitalized, for the third time this year, just 2 weeks ago.   My second kidney infection in 4 months.   My physician is not happy.   I can only say, that, I am so happy to be alive.  In December, 2017, I developed  Pneumonia.   In January, 2018, I developed Diabetic Ketoacidosis, in July 2018, I developed a Kidney Infection, and in November 2018, another Kidney Infection.  All of these times,  I was so physically sick, that I felt like I was dying.
      It has been such a difficult year.  At times, I feel so grateful to have survived these illnesses, but at times, I am so damn depressed, so sad, so scared.
     The depression, anxiety, hallucinations, and physical illnesses have done a real number on my soul.   I often feel like I am fading away.  And my wonderful husband has to live with these situations.
      To all of my friends, who suffer from mental illness, I know that you know where I am coming from.  You are all in my prayers.

# 157...Still Terrified

     All through the physical ailments that life has subjected me to, recently, I have been haunted about a life I led almost 30 years ago.
     I met a really adorable Italian guy in my early 20's.  I knew exactly when I became pregnant.   Then one morning we had an argument.  The next thing I knew, I hit the floor and he was kicking me in my back.   I was fighting for my life.  I lost the baby and was never able to conceive again.
     I still dream of him, even though I have a great  husband.  Usually we are in Italy, walking around the town, or drinking cappuccinos.  Happy stuff.  Yahoo.
     I guess that my mind is struggling, as we never talked it over before I ran away.  He had bitten me on my thigh,  I found my finger nails to be broken, and my soul had had enough.
     I know that my PTSD is bringing this shit up. PTSD has a huge refuge within me.  I try to expel it by writing and psychotherapy. 
     I don't know what is worse.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?   Major Depression?   Severe Anxiety?   Paranoia,?  Hallucinations,?  Schizoaffective Disorder?   Yeah, I have them all.  And I just don't know.
     Sweet Lord, save my soul from drowning.  Please help me to find meaning in all of this.

#156 Physical Illness and emotional pain

I haven't written, in this blog,  entitled : "My Uncomfortable Mind", in almost a year.   Yeah, I am disappointed in myself.   The truth is, that I felt shitty for most of this time period,   I did not have any motivation to write.

      In December,  2017, I developed Pneumonia.  In the few months before this, I had felt,  exhausted, unmotivated, and I had been vomiting a lot.

      In late January, 2018, I was vomiting uncontrollably, I had diarrhea.   I was unbelievably thirsty, yet couldn't keep even a drop of liquid down.  

       I went to my doctor's office, where they soon sent me to the Emergency Room of a prominent Boston hospital.   I had terrible dehydration.  I remember trying to ask a nurse for water.   All I could say was :" Um, um, um".   I could barely speak,  I could not think.  I could not tell the doctor my home address.   My brain was swollen, my brain had water on it.   I had Diabetic Ketoacidosis, and I came close to dying.  

      I spent 3 nights in the Intensive Care Unit, where they pumped me full of IV Insulin.   I survived, but it has been rough, ever since.

      I developed diabetes, as the result of taking an antipsychotic, that caused it, at least 15 years ago.

My diabetes was well controlled with pills up until January 2018.  Now, I am testing my blood sugar several times a day, and administering insulin, at least once a day,  then as needed.

       In July, 2018,  I was vomiting for about  a week, with diarrhea, , and I couldn't think again.   The nurse at my health plan, told me to go to the hospital, as soon as possible.  It turns out that I had a bad kidney infection, and I spent 4 nights in the hospital, with IV antibiotics pumped into me. 

      My friend and Pastor Judy, said that it doesn't seem fair that I should have to suffer mentally, emotionally, and now physically.  She is SO right.

     

#155

     The frequency of my blog, has slowed down, over time.   I desire to write positive things, but I am suffering, deep within my soul, from negative things.
     It started several months ago.  A close friend of mine had been seriously assaulted,  her head bashed onto the ground, by her boyfriend about 2 years ago.  Then, recently, her boyfriend seriously, assaulted her teenage son, attempting to strangle him to death.
     I felt frightened by his violence, so I told my friend, that I could no longer associate  with her boyfriend.   After a month, or 2, I decided to give this guy a chance, a voice, trying to get his opinion on this situation.    His response?  He blames it on his Bipolar Disorder, saying:  "It could happen again".
      Oh dear Lord, it totally triggered my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  It started with Migraine Headaches, rashes all over my body,  endless nightmares, visual hallucinations,  insomnia,  stomach upsets,  deep depression, severe anxiety.
     My friend, didn't want to associate with me, when I told her that I couldn't be near her boyfriend.  She equated my mental illness, with his mental illness,  even though we are nothing alike.  She felt that I should emphasize with him.   Yet, I do not try to kill or assault those around me, like he does.
     If this boyfriend cannot control his violence, then I believe that he should not be loose in society,
I have  missed my friend,  so much.  I felt so rejected, as well.  I want  her, to get away from this asshole, before he kills her, or her son.
.     Please Lord, hear my prayers.

#154.....A Brain MRI

     A lot has been happening to me, physically, emotionally and mentally.   I have been vomiting just about every  day.  But what is most concerning, has been sleep disturbances.  I see strange creatures crawling the walls, while awakening.  I have hallucinated also strange boys in my  bedroom.    I swore that mice were sleeping with me.   When I turn the light on,  nothing and nobody is there, except for  my husband..   I have also found myself awakening downstairs on the living room sofa, after sleepwalking from the bed to the sofa.  I have horrifying nightmares, as well.   To be safe, I went for an MRI today.
     I have gone for Brain MRI's before, but this one hit me  hard.   I cried all of this morning  before, the procedure.                                                                                                                                                   I am being attacked by Depression, badly.  I took 2 tranquilizers spaced apart, but still  panicked and cried when they put a mask on my face., before the MRI.  I am claustrophobic.   They told me to keep my eyes shut, so I did.
     I survived my MRI, but for some reason, I just don't have a positive feeling about this.  The Doctors tell me that, there is probably nothing wrong with my brain.  It is  entirely possible, that this is trauma related.  As you may know, my father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive towards me.  For this reason, I have Post Traumatic Stress  Disorder.   For this reason, I will probably always have trauma issues.
     I have discovered,  over the years, that mental or traumatic stress can produce some really, fucking strange, scary symptoms.

#153....Lord, I Am Calling You Again

     Oh my Lord, I am calling to you again.
     My husband knew of a friend,  a friend  of his sister, named D...She had been married for 20 years to an asshole.
    After her divorce,
 She got involved with a guy that,  I will  only call MF.
    At about 11:30 PM one night, we got a telephone call.  We picked up our friend D.,  at a nearby hospital because MF had attempted to smash her head onto the concrete.  I told her..."If you take him back D., he will do it again.  Bloody head, and all,  D., bailed him out of jail the next morning, and  took him home with her.
     My husband is a big person,  and he told D., "If he touches you again, D., he will have to face me".
   We gave MF another shot, hoping he learned his lesson.
    One evening recently,  D.'s teenage son made a wise-ass comment according to D.  Her boyfriend, was "off his meds, and was mentally ill," and tried to strangle her very own son.
     D. asked my husband if MF could stay with us a few nights while she found a new home for him.
My husband told D. and MF, that, I would never  understand  and accept the situation.
     Yeah, the shit hit the fan.
I was traumatized with this situation with MF.
D., pretty much  wrote me off.
     Finally, within my heart, we invited D., and MF, over for a BBQ.
     When  D. and MF arrived, I basically said to MF, that we were all basically family, and I told , MF that, family doesn't hurt or hit each  other.  I also said that we all learned in nursery school , that you don't hurt your friends.
    That monster's response was "Oh I know.  It could happen again'."


Sorry, but I have experienced enough Domestic violence, n my life.   I can't save you D.

#152......Oh My Lord

     I have been suffering, within.   My husband, and I,  came home from, Jamaica, about a month ago.
It was a magnificent vacation.  But for some reason, I ache within.   I want to go back.
     The water, and the beach, at our resort, was so beautiful.  Crystal blue, bathtub warm.
     Oh my sweet Lord, thank you so much,  for granting us such beauty.   Thank you, my Lord,
for such a wonderful husband, and such wonderful experiences at Couples Swept Away Resort.

#151.......The Joy of Jamaica

     My husband and I, recently took a vacation, to a resort in Jamaica.   It was something that we have never done before.   We have taken a few mini trips, like business trips.  They were  not true vacations.
     Before our vacation to Jamaica, I was headed for a "crash & burn", a real breakdown.
I have had trouble sleeping, often getting up in the middle of the night, to go downstairs to watch television and think.  Sometimes, I would wake up, very confused, saying to my husband, Frankie, "Who are you?".
     I had trouble eating, my upper GI issues, were acting up.   Basically, my stomach was burning, and food was coming up and out of my nose, during my sleep, waking me up.
     I had been vomiting frequently,   In fact, 4 nights before our flight to Jamaica, I was very sick, and we discussed, cancelling our vacation.  I also missed work, on 1 day.
      As we were going through security at the airport, I ran for a trash barrel, and could not stop vomiting.  On the plane, I got sick several times, also.
     But once we finally arrived in Jamaica, I stopped shaking, I stopped vomiting, I had a totally different demeaner.  In fact, we went to an amazing buffet, at one of the resorts amazing restaurants, and  my belly felt so much better.   I felt so relaxed.
      Our vacation, with the wonderful resort, and the beautiful ocean, cleansed me.  We want to go there again, only, stay longer.   We have friends who recommended this resort to us.
     Before, this vacation, I spent a lot of time, thinking about my horrible father, and his fucked up family, who accept his sexual abuse.  I ached inside, I miss them so badly, believe it, or not.
     But in Jamaica, these thoughts were gone.  I didn't want to leave Jamaica.  It was quite painful.
I am home now, and still feel a bit of sunshine in my soul.
     I just want to say thank you, to everyone, who made it possible to go to Jamaica, and
Couples Swept Away Resort.

#150......Now what?

      The holidays have passed.   Thanksgiving day, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day, went relatively smoothly.   I felt numb and scared, getting through it though.
      Every year, in the holiday season, I feel irritable, angry, frightened.   I have thoughts of my brother and sister, who were torn away from me, when I outed my father, for being a child molester.
      It has been 30.....yes, 30 years since I have had a relationship with my brother and sister.
It is killing me slowly, that I may never see them again.
     They may fall under my father's disgusting persuasion, maybe out of fear.
      My sister, was told by my father, that if she continued to talk to me, she would never see her mother alive again.
      No shocker, my father put a shotgun to my mother's head and threatened to blow her brains out.  My mother saved all of her money from a waitressing job, and got on a plane, with me, from South Carolina, back to her home in New England.
     Mama left my father, but the court said that I had to see my father.   Mama had no idea, what I was going through, being emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused   She didn't realize how traumatized I was.
     I was painfully shy, always anxious, nervous, having very few friends.  I felt like a lost soul, an outsider.   My father gave me shit, saying  that I was always trying to be different.  Daddy, with your abuse, you made me different, you made me suffer,


Written in January, 2017

#149.....Feeling Seriously Lost

     I am feeling rather lost.  About a week before Christmas, I began feeling so numb.  I did not make a list, to send out Christmas cards,   I did not make a list of people that I wanted to send gifts to.
     I did help my husband with Christmas shopping for our nephew and nieces.  Other than that, I bought several boxes of Christmas chocolates, and a shit-load of Yankee candles.  I ordered, over the internet, clothes for my husband and my  mother.   My normal spirit of  creative giving, wasn't really there.
     I am falling into a Depression.   As you probably know already, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder, which causes, in me, Depression, and often Psychosis, where I hear strange music, and my name being called frequently.
     I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was caused. by all types of child abuse, by my sociopathic father.  This causes, in me, deep fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
     And I have Panic Disorder, which gives me severe anxiety, and panic attacks.
     Every year, around the holiday season, I just fall apart.  I often feel numb and paralyzed, neglecting things that I need to do.
     I pray to God often, to take this internal Hell away, to hear my quiet, spiritual, soul screams.
I often, don't know how, I am going to get through life, like this.
     I try to write, but I have not been as prolific as I would like to be.  It helps to empty, some of the fears from my soul, whenever, I write in this blog.
     I hope that some people, out there, would be able to relate to me, and find peace in knowing that they are not all alone in this big, blue world.
     Please, Lord, hold me in Your loving arms, and take away, my fears.  Amen.

#148.....Grief

     It is  now winter here, in New England, USA.   This time of year, begs me to go to bed, by darkness.   Maybe to escape, my  own personal reality.
     As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord.  A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul.  I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
    As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.  I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be.  I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
    Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness.  This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
    I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month.  Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing.   The tears are streaming, flowing easily.  I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma.  It all scares me.  I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche.  The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
     I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis.  And I will, forever ache and  pine for my father's children from his second wife.  My brother and sister.
     When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings.   It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
    Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.

#147....Father Forgiveness?!

     I realized something, recently, that I hadn't thought of  before.   I realized, that I think of my father, every, single, day.   I think of him despite the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and neglect, that he bestowed upon me.                                                                                                                                        I  still cannot believe that I have space, in my mind, that I give to him  They say that as a Christian, I should forgive my father.   But my Dear, Sweet Lord, I just cannot forgive him.   I am traumatized within.   I will never be the same.
    Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts.  I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years.  In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations.  At times over the years, I was over-medicated.  I could not feel, for years..
     When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men.  I think that it was a father-figure issue.   To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood.   As someone, that I know said to me:  "B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old.   After that, it is only because of sexual  favors".
     I have not prayed for my father.  But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children.  I am not there to protect them, from my father's abuse.  It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings.  My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
     They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest.  I just don't know how I can forgive someone so evil.

#146....My Life Is Like A Rollercoaster

     I often wonder, if my life would be much bigger, bolder, braver, more successful, if  I did not have PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder.  I like to imagine myself  as independant, and super powerful.   But, I never really believe it.
     People have told me, numerous times that I am amazing and brave.  I just don't see it.  I feel like a frightened lost little girl most of the time.
      I have had several different occupations, however, it seemed that I couldn't hang on to a job.  Every so often, I would just fall apart, ending up in the psychiatric ward.  Most jobs that I had were intolerant of my illness or need to be out of work on a sick leave.  Eventually, I would get squeezed out of my job.
     When I was about 36, my psychiatrist felt that full-time work was too stressful for me, and told me to apply for disability insurance.
     I go through periods of time where I feel so happy to be so free of depression, PTSD, & Schizoaffective disorder, but, it is always lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
When this happens, I often can't shake it off.  I end up in the hospital.  
     Life, for me, is like a horrifying rollercoaster, up & down, up & down.

#145.....Feeling Troubled

    I  am feeling sadness, and guilt, because, I have not written, in this blog, for months.
I consider, my, blog called "My Uncomfortable Mind", to be my biggest accomplishment in life.
    It has been a rough summer.   My husband and I, did, however,  go hide away in a log cabin, off the grid. That was so therapeutic, no  television , or telephone.  We did have electricity, though, so we brought my computer, my husbands iPad, both filled with music, and a blue-tooth speaker.
      I was ill with bronchitis for over a month, and this, really triggered my asthma.  I can't say that I was cheerful at this time.  Or even now.
      But later, in the summer, I felt lonely,  with  just Julie, my deaf, beautiful feline, alone in the apartment, with me, for about 12 hours a day, until my husband got home.
       Summer is  a slow time at my church.  I work there part-time.  I feel like I am serving God, by working and volunteering at my church..  I am serving the Lord, no matter how huge or how small, the task is.
     For most of this past summer, I felt tempermental.  I have tried my hardest to be patient , with people, but I haven't been completely successful.
     While I had bronchitis, I was sleepy, or wide awake coughing away.  I kept vomitting or coughing so hard, that I urinated in my bed.   I fell out of bed, at least once.  I was having depression, and auditory hallucinations, mainly, strange, unbelievable music, and mindless chatter.
       When I was a kid and young adult, I lived off of music, television, movies, books, basically mental stimulation.   But now, in my middle age, aged 49, I prefer silence, and deep thought, and prayer, for hours at a time.   Sometimes, my husband will try to talk with me in these troubled moments, and I desire, to tell him to "shut the ---- up".
    I think that I am not completely well, from my illness, and that is a reason why I may be struggling, within.   Please Lord, grant me strengh.

#144....Life Has Been Tough For Me

     It has  been ages since I have written.  Life has been tough for me.  I should have used this as an oppurtunity to write.  I just, haven't been myself.
     I went to 4 funerals and memorials, in 2 months.   The last memorial service was for an 8 year old child, killed in a freak accident.   I felt overwhelmed by all of this death and tragedy surrounding me.  I believe that even the strongest of people would have difficulty, in these situations.
     I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and I just couldn't keep it together.
      People panic, when they hear that I have  auditory hallucinations.  They think that I hear scary voices, telling me to harm others.  For me, I tend to hear strange music, that I cannot describe.   Sometimes I hear several voices,  at once, chattering away, but I cannot figure out what they are saying.   It is all a sign of stress for  me.  And it was triggered a few weeks back, scaring the Hell out of me.
     I had a  wonderful time, a couple of weeks later, visiting my mother, in another state, up north.
I did, however, spend a few nights  coughing all night, and towards  the end, I felt quite homesick, and left soon after.
     My mother  was concerned about my coughing, so she insisted  that I see a doctor.   So, I did...3 different times , and learned, that I have bronchitis, allergies and asthma, acting up.   With the humidity and hot weather, they expect it to be awhile before I get  well.
    I  finally got a home nebulizer, for my asthma, and I am feeling much better, at this point.
    Yesterday, though, I felt sleepy, lethargic, and depressed, for no apparent reason.
     Summers, typically, are very upsetting to me.  I get a lot of sadness, panic, depression,  basically from triggers from my past.   Please help me, Lord, and all of those who suffer, like me.

#143....Rev. Jena, Our Angel For everyone who loves Rev. Jena Roy

      I am writing this blog entry at about 1:40 in the morning.  Usually when I write, I listen to music, specifically, The Moody Blues.  Not this time.
     I have been sitting in relative silence except for the sound of the fan, and my sweet, deaf cat's snoring beside me.  I have been thinking about Rev. Jena, for the last 4 hours, and how she impacted my life.
     Up until this point, everytime I thought of Jena, I cried.  She was a remarkable, wonderful, spiritual person.
     I can't tell you with accuracy, when we met.  The years have been rather rough on me, with, numerous visits to psychiatric hospitals, for treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Panic Disorder   I was prescibed almost lobotomizing medications, I experienced Electro-Convulzive Therapy (shock treatments), many times.   All of this contributed to memory loss, over the years.  I would give anytthing, to remember my times with Jena.
    What I can tell you, is that Jena never judged me, for my illlnesses, she visited me, prayed with me, and sent me notes when I was in the hospital  She always had a great hug for me and my husband, Frank.  She told me that she loved me, and referred to me as "Sweet Christine".
     My heart broke, when she told me that she didn't want to die.  Honestly, I didn't quite know what to say, but I replied "Jena, you're going to Paradise"  Jena said: "I know", and we talked about how all those, that she'd loved and lost, human and animal, would be waiting to see her again.
      Rev. Jena was just 49 years old, and died from the horrible disease of cancer.  I think about her children, which are only in theire early twenties, and still need their Mom.  Peolpe have mentioned that they were concerned for me, over Jena's passing.  I am hurting, like all of us who knew Jena are.
     I feel blessed that she was in my life.  I felt blessed to attened her Ordinaition.  I was, in some way blessed to be able to see her one last time, I was blessed to be her friend.  Rest In Peace, Jena,

# 142 My Unintentional Break From Writing

     I think that, I should have written in this blog, quite some time ago, however, circumstances, did not permit
     I was  really phsically ill, with vomitting, nausea, coughing, and lung pain.  It was an on and off thing.  I went to the doctor's several times, and spent several hours in the  Emergency Room of a nearby hospital.,  I was  very sick, some days,   Some days I wasn't  as sick.  Honestly, throughout this time, I didn't feel quite right.
      I have asthma, and my lungs are suseptable to bronchitis, and bronchilitis.   During these times I feel major pain in my lungs, and breathing is difficult.  I can't take prednisone, which is the prefferred drug of choice by doctors.  But prednisone gives me crazy, scary  thoughts.
     I have diabetes, so, it really doesn't help, if you can't eat..  Honestly, I dont know how I survive on my lack of appetite.  It seems that I live on coffee and Coca-Cole, with an occasional meal at dinner time.
     I felt down a lot of this time.  I missed several days at  my job,   My body and my mind were imbalanced because I couldn't eat much, and I felt like shit.
      Basically, I had no ambition to write.  It happens when mental illness strikes

#141

     I,  had been travelling through life, OK,..  Or,.It least, that is what I had told myself,  lately.
      Mental illness and PTSD, have fooled me many, times.    I didn't know that things were going wrong.  I felt somewhat numb.
     It was my husband, who told me, that I was going through psychiatric discomfort, recently.  My husband is amazing.  He can pick up my behaviors amd tics, right away, and know, that I am going through HELL..
     Still, I cannot help, feeling scared, sometimes terrified.