At my last visit to my Psychiatrist, she eliminated one type of antidepressant, and added a tranquilizer to take once a day. In some ways, I feel calmer. But it has been a long, rough stretch of time.
I am able to sleep now....THANK YOU LORD, and thanks are also due to psychiatric pharmaceuticals. I still have bad dreams almost every night, though.
I still have no appetitie though. I live on coffee, Coca-cola, or Pepsi-Cola, sometimes juice, an occasional bagel, with egg, bacon, and cheese, cookies, yogurt. I usually try to have dinner, and end up eating a small amount. I have lost 30 pounds, in this past year. I am also a diabetic.
My doctors do not consider my weight loss to be a problem, because I still weigh, 205 pounds. I gained a total of 100 pounds over the years, as a result of taking antipsychotics. And the weight is almost impossible to lose.
I have had a lot of grief and pain within, for quite awhile. Most of this is due to the damage and abuse that was afflicted on me by my father. He was cold as ice, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually, and then he cut off my contact with his children by his 2nd marriage, my half-siblings, finally he discarded me like I was a piece of trash.
It leaves an angry fire within my soul. I am a liberal Christian. The type of Christian who believes that you shouldn't hurt others. But there are times when I want to retaliate against my father, for scarring my soul, and taking my family away. Sometimes, I think that I will never have peace within, until he dies, and can't hurt anymore children and women.
I have had some anxious, weepy days, where I just can't leave my home. I have had some audio hallucinations, as well.
But I will continue praying.
