I have been writing my blog, for close to 2 years now.  I consider it to be my biggest accomplishment in life, at this point.  In truth, I am exposing my mind and feelings to the WORLD.
     I am giving a glimpse into the mind of someone who is a Survivor of both Serious Mental Illness, and PTSD.  This has required a lot of vulnerability, on my behalf.  But, so far, it has been worth it.
     I haven't been writing as much, over the past few months.  There are a few reasons for this.  Maybe I should explain myself.
     Sometimes, life goes smoothly and I feel that: "There is nothing interesting to report".  But in reality, I should write about the good times.
     Sometimes, I feel that "Nobody really, truly wants to hear about my life", so I don't feel worthy enough to write.
     Some things, I simply can't talk about, because the thoughts are too painful.  I just can't share them.  And some of these things are just too controversial.
     It has not been an easy journey, putting my thoughts out there, for all of the Internet to see.

     Life has been going pretty well for me, at this point.   My wonderful husband took me on another adventure, in late November.  It did have a couple of tear-filled moments, but it was wonderful, nonetheless.
     We rented a little log cabin again, in the Berkshires of Massachusetts.  There was no television, or internet, or phone service in our cabin, only electricity and a wood stove.  Honestly, this escape, was amazingly restful.
     During our stay, we went to 3 museums, the Yankee Candle Village, a pub, and also a local restaurant / lounge.  My husband drove us hundreds of miles to view the beautiful landscape and mountains.  We even drove through Vermont.  My husband cooked our meals, over a fire, and we listened to a lot of favorite music, through an iPad.  It was magical, and even snowed while we were there.
     Like I said before, there were tears, from me, on 2 occasions.  On one particular day, we went to a museum, and then went to lunch.  My husband drove us to another Museum, to visit, and I broke down.  "I can't do this", I said.  I had had enough stimulation and excitement in one day.  I discovered that I am a "2 place"  kind of person.  When it comes to anything, that I consider very stimulating, even basic shopping errands, I am totally done, after going to 2 places.  After this, I desire to return to my "cocoon", my home, where I feel comforted and safe.  So, we returned to the 2nd museum, on another day, which worked out well.
     And on the last day of our little cabin stay, I cried again.  I did not want to leave the beautiful experience of our little cabin stay in the woods.  I felt like a little kid and was very surprised by the fact that I broke down.  But my wonderful husband explained it to me in his wonderful way.  "You were starting to feel so safe here, so at-home, in our little log cabin.  Of course you don't want to leave", he said.
 

     I have had a lot of trouble sleeping lately, and I have found that this leads to bad things.  I am learning, that it is stress, to my body & mind, that causes my psychosis.
     Just recently, I had been awake for about 40 hours.  I was so tired and also sub-consciously stressed out.  I tried to go to sleep, but my mind was wandering off, on it's own.  I found myself terrified that we would be murdered in our sleep by machete-wielding assassins.  I did not sleep all night long, as I waited for my house to get broken into, and my murderers to strike.
    I did not want to wake my husband, though, now, I realize, that I really should have woke him up and expressed my fears.  He has a way of calming me.  
    But once again, I hid my fears and emotions, because, honestly, deep down, I knew, that it was "crazy".    I keep telling myself, that I must talk about my feelings, but I wonder if people really understand.
     When I experience paranoia and psychosis, my "fight or flight" instincts take over.  I become so terrified of unreal things.
     Yet, if you just happened to meet me, you'd  never expect my mind of having such glitches.

     In case, you are new at reading my blog entitled "My Uncomfortable Mind", I will tell you a little about it.
I have been writing it for more than a year, and it contains 80, very personal journal entries about my life.
What makes it so personal, is that I have Schizoaffective Disorder, & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
     Schizoaffective Disorder, is often classified as a Mood Disorder, because it affects a person's mood. People who live with it, suffer from depression, or BiPolar Disorder.  Sometimes, however, it is classified as a form of Schizophrenia, because it also causes psychotic symptoms, such as hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, etc.  Basically, its a double whammy.
     My PTSD, is caused by childhood abuse.  This includes verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse.
I am also a survivor of domestic abuse.
      Over the decades, I have evolved, through the support of Psychiatrists, Therapists, Supports groups, hospitals, peers, and many types of psychoactive medications.  The journey has been so difficult, but now, I am willing to conquer the struggles.  In past years, I wanted so badly, to give up, and "throw in the towel", as they say.
     Now that I am stronger, I started this blog, for several reasons.
I want other people, who suffer like me, to realize that they are not alone in the world.
I want "normal" people to see into the mind, of someone who battles illnesses of the emotions and mind, and learn from this.
I want to bring awareness to the illnesses of Schizoaffective Disorder & PTSD.
And I want to soothe my own mind, by releasing my thoughts and experiences.
     I hope that you will read it, and share it around the world.  Pretty Please?!

     I had another nightmare very recently.  I have had a hard time deciding, if I should write about it.
It is like my other nightmares, highly disturbing.   As you know, I have PTSD, and the main cause of this, was childhood sexual abuse, by my own father.  So, brace yourself, before reading further.
     In this nightmare, I dreamed that a dark-haired man was on top of me, having sexual intercourse with me.  It was so real, that I could actually physically feel it happening.  After the sex ended, I cuddled up against him and hugged him.  He suddenly, said to me:  "We can't do this again".  I said:  "Why not?".   The dark-haired man's answer was: "Because, I am your father, that's why".  I became shocked and hysterical, at this point screaming and crying, saying over and over:  "Daddy, I'll forgive you, for molesting me, please, I just want you to love me!!
      All I ever wanted from my father was real father / daughter love and acceptance.  But, sadly, he was an abusive sociopath, and that will never happen.  I thought that I was coming to terms with this, by my soul still seems to disagree.  I'm 46 years old now.  I'm beginning to think that it will never fully go away.

     In all honesty, just last week, I felt, as if my world was caving in.
     Three weeks ago, I was having auditory  hallucinations, I was hearing my name being called repeatedly, and I was hearing screaming.  This started while my husband was away, in China, on a business trip.  I also felt paranoid, afraid that I would be murdered by strangers breaking into my house.
     Naturally, I was frightened, but felt too ashamed to tell anyone else.  People, look at you funny, when you tell them that you're hearing voices.  I assumed, that it would disappear, on its own, in time.  Well, I assumed wrong.  I ended up, eventually,crying for days.  I had to take a leave from work.  I ended up, taking a week off.
     It was a wise decision, however, to take a week, to relax, attend therapy sessions, and support groups.
At this point, I feel really good.  And once again, I am thankful to all those that helped me, and supported me.

     I should have written sooner, but my mind has been foggy, and a bit confused.  I cannot concentrate.
From September 20-28, my husband, Frankie, had been in China, on a business trip.  I wrote at the beginning of his trip, while Hong Kong, was having a Typhoon.  I was scared, because Frankie, was staying in a hotel, fairly close to Hong Kong.
     Frankie survived the Typhoon, and most of the week went well for me.  I saw many friends, went to work, and tried to keep myself occupied.  I thought, that I was coping remarkably well. I did notice, however, that on many nights, while Frankie was gone, I went to bed, before the sun went down, which was by 7 PM, and would sleep for 12 hours.
      The day before Frankie was due to come home, I started to have auditory hallucinations, and I began to have paranoid thoughts.  The hallucinations stopped a few days ago, but I still feel paranoid.
      Yesterday, before work, tears started flowing, and I cried so hard,that I felt like I was losing my breath..  Somehow, I survived work, but I had to keep fighting off my tears.  At one point, I started to break down to a co-worker.  He told me to make sure to take care of myself.
      After work, I attempted to call my psychiatrist, who, it turns out, was on vacation.  Thankfully, another psychiatrist called me back and spoke to me.  She suggested that I may want to consider going into the hospital, but I'd like to avoid that, if I can.
      This morning, I woke up at 3 AM, got up by 3:45, took a shower, went downstairs to have my coffee, and by 5 AM, I was sobbing again.  My husband called my boss for me, and told him that I would not be able to come into work today.  Close to 7 AM, my psychotherapist called me and asked me to come into Boston to see her.  Frankie,took the day off to be with me, so we both took the train into Boston, to her office.
      My psychotherapist, is a wonderful woman.  She told me that it would be, in my best interest to take a week off from work, and relax, and get this under control.  If I don't do this, it could spiral out of control, and I could end up in the in-patient psychiatric ward, and out of work for a month of more.
      Honestly, I don't see how I could function at work right now, so, it is the best decision to stay home.
I feel like a crashing airplane.
     
     
   
     

     My husband, Frankie, is in China, at this time, on a business trip.  I thought of going with him, but it would have cost thousands of dollars. Also, the management, at his company, seemed negative, on spouses, attending this trip.
     I cried several times, and asked him not to go, during the days leading up to his departure.  I even feel a bit angry at him, because, he has left me all alone.  Part of me feels abandoned.
      For the most part, however, I am actually coping very well.  I have been seeing friends, I went to church today, with a friend.  My mother is planning to come down from Maine, to spend a couple of days with me, and I will be working, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.
      This is truly a test of my inner child, who has rarely, experienced being alone 24 / 7.
      But, it gets worrisome, because, Frankie, is staying near Hong Kong, where there is a Typhoon expected, or already occurring.  I am trying to remain calm, but you just never know, how bad a storm is really going to be.
       In church today, I asked the Pastor and congregations for prayers for Frankie.  In truth, my thoughts are confused, my emotions don't know what to think.  All I know is that I miss my Frankie, and want him to come home safely.

     I am back to work, after my vacation in The Berkshires.  But, I am full of anxiety.  My job, which is in a supermarket meat department, that I once loved so much, is starting to stress me out.
     We have a new manager, in our store, and her main goal, it seems, is to save the company money, even though she is cutting the employees' work hours.  The result is that work is not getting done because, we are under-staffed.  Yet somehow, this new manager expects all of the work, to get done.
      This week, my friend and co-worker, Bob, is on vacation.  And the other clerks have other full-time jobs.  So, I was the only meat clerk today.
       This morning before I went to work, I felt a lot of anxiety, and my chest felt tight.  When I got to work, and saw the workload, I wanted to walk out, and just go home.  I convinced myself to stay by telling myself, over and over, that it was just a 4 hour shift today.  But the work was endless, it seemed.  I was stressing, because I knew that I couldn't possibly get it all done.
       So, now, I'm wondering if it is almost time to move on occupationally.  I loved my job, and I have been there for 5 years, which is a long time for me.  My bosses and co-workers, have always been understanding, of my mental illness, and they have always granted me time off, whenever, I needed it.
        Things are changing at work, however, and I am very sensitive to changes.  I am not feeling comfortable there, at this point.
        I am confused, and saddened, because, I loved working there, but now, it's causing me to re-think the situation.  It's not so easy finding a job, and keeping a job, when you have PTSD, and a major mental illness.
I really don't want to have to find a new job, but I don't know else what to do.  I think that I will have to pray, on this.

     My husband, took me away to The Berkshires, in Massachusetts, for our vacation.  We stayed in a little log cabin, in a state park, in the middle of the forest, with electricity, a wood stove, and no indoor plumbing in our cabin.  We were right in the middle of Bear Country.

     The first night was hard for me, because, I worried about bears breaking into our little cabin.  And in the darkness, my mind wandered, back to when I was a little girl, when horrible things, occurred in the darkness.  Things, I still cannot talk about in detail.  Crimes committed by my own father.  No matter how I try, I don't think that I will ever forget it.

      The day time however, was just bliss.  My husband cooked meals over the fire for us, the food was incredible.  He took me for long drives through the mountains.  We went to Yankee Candle, where I made my own candle.  I bought moccasins, at a Native American store, also.  They are so well-made and comfortable on my feet. 

      We visited a couple of working farms also, where I made friends with calves, and purchased real maple syrup.

       What was most wonderful, was that I got to spend days alone with my husband, with no television, no telephone or internet interruptions.  

       I came back feeling more refreshed than I had in years, decades even.   I would fully recommend a vacation in the woods, if so needed.  

                                                                                                                                                      

      

     It has been over 2 weeks since I have written, in my blog, so, I decided, that I should let you all know, that I am alive and well.  It's about time, right?  
     In truth, I haven't lost any interest, in writing, it's just that I have to feel inspired to write.  Which means, that I usually have something pressing on my mind, or there is something that I want to share.
      Lately, life has been quiet, which is good, if you ask me.  I have been working at my job, but I'm not doing much volunteer work right now, because there isn't much work for me there, in the summer.  Work has been fairly satisfying.  It's a physical job, one that a much younger person should be doing, but it's a great work out.   Sometimes, I wonder what else I could do for work, but for now, I am comfortable at my job.
      I have been spending lots of time, with several friends, and it has been wonderful.  When I was younger, I didn't have many friends, I just didn't feel worthy of friends.  I didn't believe that I was a great person.  Just last night, my husband said to me:  "Chrissy, you have the biggest heart.  You even talk to and care about the people, that other people don't bother with".  It's still hard for me to feel worthy, at times.  But having wonderful, supportive friends has given me such confidence within.
      My health is pretty good these days.  My asthma, is finally under control.  Mentally, I am doing really well.  My mood is pretty even. I do not feel depressed at this time.  I do not feel paranoid lately, and I have not had auditory hallucinations in awhile.  I am more than happy and grateful for this progress.
      My marriage is going wonderfully, as well.  It is amazing what a little sanity can do for a marriage.  And I will always be thankful for the awesome, supportive man that I married.

    Many years ago, when my soul was lost, God spoke to me.  You may find this hard to believe.  Even I found it to be quite amazing.
     I don't remember where I was, or what I was doing, at that moment, when God spoke, because I was so shocked, but His message to  me, was "Have strength".  Because of this special moment, in my life, I have a lot of faith in God.
     I have had a couple of interesting comments recently, made by friends, regarding my faith in God.
     One woman, who is a born-again Christian, told me that I could not possibly have heard the voice of God, that it must have been an invasive spirit, that spoke to me. She tried to tell me, that this message was not in accordance, with what the Bible says, so therefore it could have been the devil, who spoke to me.
      Another friend, who is an atheist, tried to tell me that the voice, that I heard, came from within my own mind, that it wasn't the voice of God.  He said that religion was a crutch for the weak.
       There have been times when I have hallucinated, when I have been delusional, but I will NEVER question the voice of God, that I heard.
       Why is it so hard for people to accept, that even me, a person with problems, PTSD, and Schizoaffective Disorder, would be spoken to by God?
        Finally, I talked to my Pastor Judy about it.  And she told me, that since "Have strength", was such a positive message, that it was undoubtedly, the voice of God, who reached out to me, in such a time of need.
        I am not trying to say, that I am super-special, because God has spoken to me.  I am just trying to say, that it is not fair, or nice, of anyone to question my faith, and tell me that I am wrong.  And I am far from weak for having Christianity in my life.  I am, in fact the strongest person that I know.
     

     My bronchitis is gone now, and I am able to breathe easier now.  But, still after months, I struggle every night, just to stop tossing & turning, and get a couple of hours of sleep.  Last night I slept for about 3 hours, the night before, I slept just 2 hours.  I feel drained and sad and moody.
      But, I also came to a strong realization today.  There were times in my life, that I was so tormented, so depressed, so psychotic, so paranoid, so delusional, so angry, so isolated, so desperate for happiness and love and peace.
      Now, there is a lot more happiness, and love and peace.  Even though there are days where I feel shitty, for the most part, its been so wonderful.
      I also realized today, that my happiness, is the results of my own actions.  I have been very pro-active in my psychiatric treatment and therapy, I have chosen an amazing partner for life, I chose to work at my job, I helped to pick out our place to live, I have chosen awesome friends, I chose to adopt our little deaf cat, I chose who had to be evicted from my life.
     In my younger years, I felt powerless, and made a million well-intended, but wrong decisions and choices.  I had no clue that I could contribute to changing it all.  I felt that my PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, would some day lead, to my own self-inflicted death.
     I have to wonder if God has answered my prayers.  I know that relapse is inevitable, but maybe I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, next time my life feels so impossible.
      Thank You, Lord.

     About 3 hours after I woke up this morning, my lungs hurt, and my right ear ached.  "Here we go again", I thought to myself.  Fortunately, I did not have to go to work today, so I made an appointment with my physician.  She told me that my asthma was exacerbated, and that my ear hurt because I was congested.  It was probably caused by allergies, the air quality  (it has been extremely humid and hot), or possibly, I was coming down with a cold.  She increased the dosage of my steroid inhaler, and told me to use my Albuteral several times a day, and to take allergy medication.
    It occurred to me, this evening, while talking to a friend, that I have a lot of physical ailments, including, asthma, arthritis, GERD, & Diabetes.  This could be a hereditary thing, but I think that it is no coincidence, that my body suffers, because my mind suffers.  The more stress a person is under, the more their body becomes sick.  Do other people feel the way that I do?
    I also have noticed that my doctors have to work especially hard to heal me, to find causes and cures for illnesses.  And sometimes they focus on my mind and less on my body.  Maybe they feel that my mind is the central computer to my body, and The Master Of All Things Physical.  What do you think?

     I am over my bronchitis now, and no longer taking Prednisone.  The last few weeks were very scary for me, to say the least.  I was sick with bronchitis & asthma, and the Prednisone that I was taking, really messed with my mind.  I was extremely depressed and having suicidal thoughts, while taking it.  I am now, feeling much better, physically and emotionally.  For this, I am very thankful.
     I often wonder how many people on Earth, are extremely thankful, for everything that is given to them.I know that when I am feeling unstable, it is very hard for me to be appreciative and thankful of what life gives me.  But, when my mind is healthy, I am so thankful for my health, my sanity, my life.
     I wonder, often, if I were totally healthy, if I would have the same type of appreciation for the joys of life.
I am thankful for: my amazing husband, who will never give up on me; my wonderful mother, who has been with me through the worst of times; for my awesome friends who are so supportive and kind; for my crazy little, deaf cat, named Julie; for my cozy, little apartment that feels so safe; for my job, because they have always accommodated me, when I needed to go into the hospital, or needed to take a medical leave; I am thankful for having food to eat; and for being a citizen of the USA, where I have freedom to write, freedom to be happy, and excellent medical care.
      Most of all, I am thankful, when God gives me a normal day, where I am able to function normally, and be at my best.  I've said it before, but on these days, I feel like a little kid, at Disneyworld.  Life is so joyous then.  I hope that everyone else, on Earth, feels the same way!

     I have been taking Prednisone for my bronchitis / asthma, and I think that it is having a negative impact on my mind.  I have been feeling depressed and edgy for days, and this morning I was having thoughts of harming myself.  They were brief, involuntary thoughts. In my mind's picture I saw myself, harming myself.
I felt scared, confused, and overwhelmed.  I haven't felt that way since my last hospitalization, which was about a year and a half ago.
     I have come a long way, over the past year and a half though.  I would never act on  suicidal thoughts now.  I really want to live.
     So, I called my physician and explained to the nurse that I was concerned about the fact that I was feeling so miserable and having scary thoughts.  My doctor decided to taper it so tomorrow will be my last day taking it.  They will also inform my psychiatrist.  They also insisted that I go to the hospital, if I continue to feel that way.
      I think that in the future, I will need a different medication, other than Prednisone, if my asthma acts up.
And I feel some relief knowing that tomorrow will be my last day taking it.

#68

     Right now, I'm battling bronchitis and asthma, so my body is sore and tired, but my mind is doing well.   I had been worried about the approaching, hot, summer months, because they bring back bad memories and flashbacks.
     I wrote about it last summer.  Basically, I talked about how spending the summer with my twisted, perverted father, during my childhood years has haunted me.  This summer seems different though.  I feel much happier than I did in past summers.  The weather has been extremely hot and oppressive, but it hasn't really triggered me yet.  Thank you, Lord, for bringing me peace!
     I don't know if other people with mental illness go through this also, but I have noticed, through my life, that I tend to get physically ill, a lot more than my healthy peers.  Personally, I think it is because my body spends so much time fighting off the stresses of PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, that it has little energy to fight off physical illnesses.  I have diabetes, high cholesterol, GERD, asthma, and I used to have a lot of migraines.  I tend to get colds a lot, which often leads to bronchitis, and other minor illnesses.
     I am very curious if other people with mental illnesses have this problem, of having a lot of physical illnesses as well.  Please feel free to give me feedback!

 Please read and share my very first interview, with CureTalk   http://trialx.com/curetalk/2013/06/curetalk-interviews-christine-brave-survivor-of-ptsd-schizophrenia-childhood-abuse/

     It has been awhile since I have written.  Life is going relatively well.   Part of me, is very happy, that warm weather and sunshine, may finally be approaching New England.  But the other part of me, remembers the summers of past, and how I felt.  Summer is hard, because I cannot forget my summers, spent down south, with that evil, despicable, perverted man, who once called himself my father.  He was so cold, so mean, so sick.  And I will never forget, the things he did to me, and how he threw me away, like a piece of trash, and destroyed my relationship with my little half-brother and little half-sister, when I finally spoke up about his abuse, to protect them.
      So far, I am doing OK, I'm not depressed, I'm not delusional, I'm not paranoid, I'm not having auditory hallucinations.  I feel happy a lot of the time.  But still, over the past few months, I am not sleeping well, and I am not eating well.  And I am worried, about when the weather becomes really hot, because it seems to set off my PTSD, giving me nightmares and flashbacks.
     All I can do is take life one day at a time, and when it gets really hard, take it one minute at a time.  I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, who will support me, if life gets too hard for me.  I also have some great friends, who stand by me, and an awesome therapist, and psychiatrist. And I have an audience of readers, who have encouraged me, with their comments, giving me motivation to persevere in life.  For these things I am eternally thankful.
   

     I started writing this blog, to let other people with Schizoaffective Disorder, and/ or Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, know that they are not alone.  I also wanted others, to get an insight into the mind of a seriously mentally ill person, and realize, that people like me, are completely valuable, and are just human beings with suffering souls, just trying to make it in today's difficult, prejudiced world.
      What I did not expect, was how healing this blogging journey would be.  I have received so many supportive comments, and people from all over the world are reading it.  I can't even begin to tell you how wonderful this has been for me.  I just want to say Thank You, to my faithful readers!

     It is late at night, as I write this blog, and the sounds of The Rolling Stones, on my stereo, are attempting to drown out, the sounds of the rain, thunder and lightening, outside of my open window.  It's a little frightening, as the lightening has struck close to our house, this evening.  But late night, like early morning, can have a real peacefulness to it.  And peace and being alone, are what it takes, for me to be able to write.  Not to mention, good music playing, lol.
     I am doing relatively well.  My Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, tends act up on a regular basis though, through flashbacks, nightmares and emerging memories.  I developed PTSD from childhood and  also domestic abuse.  I don't know if this will be a life-long problem for me.  I expect, that over time I will continue to learn newer and better ways of coping with it, which will improve my life.
     My Schizoaffective Disorder, which is a Mental Illness, has been behaving well, these days...Thank You, Lord!!  About a month ago, my psychiatrist, took me off of Risperdol, which is an antipsychotic medication.  Since then, I would describe myself as a little more feistier.  I have not felt emotionally depressed in months.  I had some auditory hallucinations a few weeks ago, when I was feeling sick and weak, with a bad cold, but they have not since resurfaced.  I have been enjoying working part-time, at the supermarket, and doing volunteer work at my church, both of which I would dread doing, if I were severely depressed.
     Physically, I'm doing better, than I was doing a few weeks ago.  Peri-menopause, had been giving me wicked hot flashes, and night sweats.  My psychiatrist prescribed me Neurontin, which is actually an anti-seizure drug, but it helps with hot flashes, night sweats, anxiety, etc.  So, my hot flashes and night sweats are less intense, now.  But, I am still not sleeping well, I toss & turn all night long.  I get good sleep, for about a half hour before my alarm clock goes off, lol.  And I'm still not eating a lot.  My appetite is rare now, I have no desire to eat,  The good news about this however, is that I have lost 6 pounds, at least.  My pants are getting too big!
      Well, it is now after midnight.  My cat has gone to bed with my husband, and I can hear my husband snoring from all the way upstairs.  I should go to bed, but the truth is, I love writing this blog, it has been so therapeutic for me.  I also, love knowing, that somebody, somewhere may read this blog someday, and find some comfort in knowing, that they too, are not alone battling PTSD or mental illness.  Please share my blog with other friends, and let it continue to travel around Mother Earth, to reach every person in need.  
Thank You & God Bless You!!
     

     Have you ever had a nightmare, that just haunted you, all day long?  A dream so disturbing to you, that you can't believe that you dreamed it?  Yes, I had one of those nightmares, early this morning.
     I haven't mentioned it a lot, but I have two half-siblings.  I hate that term "half-siblings.  They were my brother and sister, in my eyes.  They were, my father and his second wife's children.  I haven't seen them in 27 years.  I haven't seen them, since I exposed my father for his horrible, disgusting abuse toward me.  And, I'm not sure if I will ever get over it.  That's how great the pain is.
     This morning I dreamed that I was about 16 years old and I was visiting my father, and his family, down south.  In my dream, my father decided to have my little brother, who was 12 years old, euthanized, or rather, executed, because, they thought that he had mental illness.  My step-mother did not fight to save my little brother, and my little sister was paralyzed with fear.  My little brother was cavalier about it, saying "Yeah, sis, they're executing me next week, no big deal".  It was as if, this execution didn't surprise him.  I ran out of the house in hysteria.
     When I went back to the house, my little brother was gone.  I asked my stepmother, if my little brother was dead.  She said "Yes, we euthanized him while you were gone.  We couldn't let him grow up, being mentally ill'
      I left their house, and wandered the streets.  People were asking me, if it was true, if their neighbor and friend, had really killed their little boy.  A lady asked me if my little brother suffered.  I answered "No, they killed him by lethal injection.  I know, because they also euthanized me, a few years ago".
      WOW!!  I can't even put together all of my thoughts, on this nightmare.  I haven't dreamed about my father and his family, in a long time.  The dream portrays how evil, my father really is, with his desire to hurt his children, and kill.  And like in reality, my stepmother stood by letting it all happen, letting her children get hurt.
     I think that my dream, also profoundly, touched on my fears of being a mentally ill person in this sometimes, cold, cruel, ignorant world.  After all, not too long ago, and maybe, still today, in some parts of the world, mentally ill people, have been murdered, simply because they were mentally ill.
     One of the reasons, that I stay anonamous, and do not publish my last name, or my photograph, is because, I am so deathly afraid of my father.  I am still afraid that he will drive to New England someday, and attempt to kill me because, I have written about him, in my blog.  And, no, that's not paranoia talking.  So, please, please, please, if you know my real identity, try to keep it secret.

     As you know, I am battling PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, and now Peri-menopause.  Life has been difficult lately, because, I am having a lot of  horrible hot flashes, and heart palpitations, night sweats, etc.  I am losing weight also because I just don't feel like eating, I have no appetite.  So, I took a much-needed vacation.  And now, I feel really good.  It was precisely what I needed.  A very smart decision.
     I spent my vacation, getting together with friends, resting, and I visited my mother, in Maine.  Maine is 2 states away from me, so I took a bus up on Wednesday and came home on Saturday.
     To be honest, I think that Maine is a beautiful state, but, there is not much to do there, so I have no dreams of ever living there.  But my mother is there, and I am, deep-down crazy about my mother.
      Mama and I had a rough start.  She had me at 19, and found herself married to a sociopath who threatened to kill her. She left him, I mean, literally, escaped him, with me, a mere toddler, and fled from South Carolina back to her home in Massachusetts, with not much more, than me in her arms.  We were so poor, and she found herself in some really terrible relationships.  In the mean time, the courts said that I had to visit my father, who paid a despicable amount of child support, and he turned out to be disgustingly abusive towards me.  Over the years, my mother earned college degrees, as she too battled her past trauma and depression.  She  has evolved, over the years, into a wonderful mother.
     I realize now, that I haven't said a lot about my mother, in my blogs.  I think that I wanted to protect her privacy.  But she is a very important part of my life.   Mama, if you ever read my blogs, I want you to know that I love you so much.

     It has been 5 days since my last blog, and it never ceases to amaze me, how time changes things.   I am on vacation this week, for a much-needed rest.
     Emotionally, I am feeling good, I am in a happy mood, and I am happy that Spring is finally here.  I have spent time with some good friends and my husband, and it has felt great.
     Physically, I am doing OK, though, I still have no appetite.  I eat about once a day, usually dinner time, and I eat about half of what I used to eat at dinner.  So, I'm not taking in a lot.  But I weigh about 225 pounds, so I can stand to lose a few, lol.  Even though, I have only lost about 7 pounds, I do feel more physically flexible, and a bit more energetic.  Sure, my weight loss is a good thing, but I have been in situations like this before, where I lose my appetite and lose a lot of weight.  It means that, I will eventually gain it all back at rapid speed when my appetite comes back.
    Thankfully, I am sleeping better.  I still, usually, wake up several times in the night, because I am hot and sweaty, and then I end up getting cold, BUT, I fall back to sleep easily now.  And because I am on vacation, this week, I have the time to sleep several hours past my usual waking time.
     I am no longer feeling tired, worn out, burnt out, etc.  I think that my decision to take a vacation from work at this time was very wise, and prevented me from having a break-down in the near future.  I am learning, over time, to recognize the things that trigger my PTSD and mental illness.

     Today is Thursday, and my much-needed vacation has started.  Hooray!  I am so happy!  I am so relieved.  I only work part-time, but I've been so ill these past 5 weeks.  I need a break.
     I wondered, if I'd make it, or if I'd fall apart.  My body is so tired, so worn out.  My mind wants to get lost in deep, wonderful, sleep.
     My body is battling peri-menopause (and the end of a terrible cold).  My mind battles Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD.  When you combine all these ailments, its a dicey situation.  Basically, for the mind to be healthy, the body has to be healthy.  And when the mind is unhealthy, people tend to neglect their bodies health.
    I am getting more sleep now, but its a mystery, why I still have no appetite, and why I have developed a real aversion to green foods.  I have only lost 6 pounds, so far, and my doctors are not concerned.  I, however, am a bit concerned, because, I have Diabetes, and I think that not eating a lot of the time is, well, not good.
    My mood is pretty good, Thank God.  I did not become depressed with the onset of peri-menopause, but I did have auditory hallucinations in the form of music, a few weeks ago, when I had that terrible cold.
     I am planning to spend my vacation with my husband, and some of my friends.  I am also hoping to visit my Mom, in Maine for a few days.

     It has been only 2 days, since my last blog update, but I feel so much better, than I had been feeling.  And I am so pleased.  Thank You, Lord!
     As you probably know, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder and Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but lately, I have had Peri-menopause fighting me.   But, I worked hard with my Doctors, and it has paid off.
      It has been a helluva month.  In the beginning, I began having incredible hot flashes, where I would feel like I was burning up inside.  I would get heart palpitations during these hot flashes, and then I would have anxiety attacks, where, I felt that I couldn't breathe, and sometimes, I would feel like I was going to pass out.  At night, It was horrible, I would toss and turn, going from hot to cold, over and over, all night long.  Naturally, I could not sleep.  I think that the lack of sleep is what left me feeling so lost.
    To make it worse, I had a terrible cold during this time, which left my body and mind weak and vulnerable.   While at work, one day, I found myself with auditory hallucinations, which really shakes me up. I only hallucinate when I am really stressed, physically and/or mentally.  So, when it happened, I felt quite alarmed.  Thankfully, my hallucinations, only lasted one day.
     I started taking Neurontin for my hot flashes, anxiety, and lack of sleep, and it is like a miracle.  I still have mild hot flashes occasionally, but no more scary heart palpitations.  I am starting to sleep again also.
    My psychiatrist is trying to reduce the amount of medication that I take, so, I stopped taking Risperidol, which is an antipsychotic drug.  That was a stress on my body.  I felt edgy, and hostile, the first few days, after I stopped taking it..  I was afraid that I would become psychotic after the drug left my body, but I am doing OK.
    This morning, however, I have turned a corner.  I feel good, both physically and mentally, which, to me, is a true blessing.  Just 2 days ago, I was losing hope, I felt so sick, so tired.  Now, I see real hope in my future.

     I am feeling worn-out, these days.  This peri-menopause thing, has destroyed my appetite and my ability to sleep.  I am basically struggling to get through the days.  I feel like I could crash and burn, at any time now.
     I did call my psychiatrist, yesterday, and she increased my Neurontin, so that I will take more, at bedtime. She said that this will help me sleep.  I really hope it does.  I miss the bright, alert, and happy me.
     I really wish that I could take next week off from work, but I can't.   So, I am planning to take the following week off, to rest, and get things done, if I feel like doing anything.  I just hope that I can hang on to my sanity long enough, to make it until next week.
     Even though my body and my mind are exhausted, I am trying to stay positive, and cheerful.  I don't feel depressed, or psychotic, but somewhat anxious, and totally wiped out.  I am also a bit worried, that my depression and psychosis, will surface because I am vulnerable now. I am confident in my doctor's abilities to help me, though.

     One week ago, on a cold, rainy, windy Friday, I went to my doctor's appointment, by public transportation, only to be told that my appointment was for the following Friday.  I told them that I was very upset because they gave me inaccurate information.  So, they agreed to see me 2 days ago, and I had a successful visit with my own physician.  Last week, my psychiatrist called and prescribed me a drug called Neurontin.  It has helped me to get some sleep, and has taken away the intensity, severity, and frequency of my hot flashes.  My physician feels that this is the right course for me also.
     But, my psychiatrist also weaned me off of Risperidol, an anti-psychotic medication, and since I stopped taking it, I don't feel right.  I feel weepy, and a bit hostile.  I feel like telling everybody else to "fuck off", and to leave me alone.  I feel a bit lost, a bit empty inside.  I'm wondering if I'm going through some kind of  drug withdrawal.  If so, I'll ride it out, I want to take as few medications as possible.  I don't want to go back to taking it.
     I can't get in touch with my doctor though.  All of Boston is shut down because they are trying to catch the remaining living marathon bomber.  I live 15 minutes from Boston, so I have done a lot of praying today.
     I can't help but wonder if the marathon bomber situation may be affecting me somewhere beneath it all.  I did wake up at 4 AM and began immediately watching the news.  I did, however pry myself away from the television for 6 hours, and did volunteer work at my church.  I am listening to music now, my favorite band, The Moody Blues, I don't want to watch the news.
     On Monday, if I do not feel better, I will try to call my psychiatrist again.  Please pray for the people of Boston.

     It is official, I am in peri-menopause, and it is kicking my ass.  My days are now-filled with terrible hot flashes, which are causing my heart to race, and are causing shortness of breath, consequently scaring the Hell out of me.  I am becoming overly emotional, crying easily, and snapping at my husband.  During the nights, I toss and turn, going from feeling extremely hot to very cold, over and over, unable to sleep.  I have also lost my appetite and I am not eating enough.
     I saw a doctor yesterday who did an EKG and a thyroid test, and gave me some pamphlets about menopause.  She recommended black cohosh, an herbal supplement, which I ended up vomiting  this morning.  She told me that she could not prescribe any medication to me because she was unfamiliar with my history, and I took a lot of psychiatric meds.  She told me to see my regular doctor next week.  I was so angry, because I felt that she was afraid to give me the care that I needed, because I am a psychiatric patient, who has to take a lot of medication (I also have diabetes and GERD).  And, I didn't feel that I could wait a whole week to see my regular doctor.
     So, I called my doctor's office again and asked to speak with my doctor.  They insisted that I speak to their nurse instead, which also made me angry because I should be allowed to speak to my own doctor, if I need to.  Finally after much insistence, on my behalf, they fave me an appointment for 2 days from now.  I will keep you posted and wish me much luck.

     One of the things, that I have done, to try to help myself, is engaging in minimal television watching.  Television is filled with violence, trauma, and  tragedy.  I find that watching television brings back bad memories, and triggers flashbacks, negative thoughts, paranoia, which leads to depression in me.
     I do my best, to stick to watching comedies and educational programs, but every once in awhile, I will stray and watch something which, invariably shakes me up.  It could be a relatively benign show, even, like a talk show, but once abuse is mentioned, I find myself visiting my childhood again.
     This morning I watched "The Steve Wilkos Show", and they were discussing a boy who had been abused.  It was said, that his mother tried to drown him, in the bathtub when he was an infant.  It instantly brought back memories of my father deliberately holding my head under the faucet when I was a toddler, and not being able to breathe.  This memory invaded my life less than a year ago, when I started experiencing this particular flashback.
      I went on to watch "Dr. Phil", which was about a teenage girl who was beaten by her mother, and it reminded me of how my father used to hit me with a paddle before he sexually abused me.
      As I surfed through the channels, it became apparent, that television is sort of geared towards shaking people to the core.  Just think about the News programs on television.  It's all about human devastation, and very little good news is  ever reported.
      So I decided to watch some of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off", and that was a smart choice, compared to my other television choices, today.  It is a delightful comedy.
      Like most days though, the stereo is now playing.  I love to listen to music, especially as I write.  As I write this blog, I am, in fact, listening to Jimi Hendrix.

     On Tuesday, I was having a hard time talking and breathing, so I called my boss at work, and told him that I was coming down with an infection or virus, and asked him if he could get another person to cover my shift on Wednesday.  He told me to stay home from work on Wednesday.
     Tuesday night, I had a rough time breathing and sleeping, but after a second dose of Nyquil, I slept until 1 PM, on Wednesday.  I was coughing, sneezing, and had a runny nose, but I have had the influenza vaccine, so I think, that it is just a terrible cold, aggravating my asthma.
      Today, which is Thursday, I woke up feeling better, my nose is still running and I am still coughing, I still sound awful, but overall, I don't feel as sick.  I did get irritated at my husband this morning because he kept interrupting me when I was using the bathroom, and I concluded that my lack of patience was due to the fact that I was sick.  But still, I went to work.
       It wasn't a total mistake, I got a lot of work done but I had some frightening moments.  You see, when my body is sick, my mind gets sick, usually.
     I was working, pulling all of the out of code (expired), packages off of the shelves, in the supermarket, where I work, and organizing those shelves to look nice, when I heard a screeching guitar playing.  At first I wondered if it was the saw being used, in the meat department, so I looked and realized that it was not the saw.  It sounded like very strange music, the kind that I hear when I hallucinate.  I panicked for a few minutes.  I felt my tears welling up, in my eyes.  I was hallucinating at work.  I knew then that I was sicker than I thought.  I sat down and my inner voice told me to calm down, not to worry, that the sounds would go away.  And they did.
     But later on,I kept hearing my name being called.  It sounded like someone was standing very close to me saying "Christine", over and over.  And there was no one there, and it wasn't the intercom system.  Thank God, that went away too, after a few minutes of relaxing and talking to myself, internally.
     Hallucinating scares me more than depression.  It is scary because you know that your mind is playing tricks on you.  It is very startling, and makes you feel out of control.  I am fortunate, in that the sounds and voices, in my mind do not tell me what to do, rather I hear strange music and people calling my name.
    I am very proud of myself, however, because I worked through my whole shift without breaking down or leaving early to go home, which I have done in the past.  I'm happy that over time, I am coping better.

     So far, I have written 52 blog posts.  Can you believe it?  I know I can't.  LOL!
     In case you wonder what I look like, I am Caucasian, of Irish & English descent.  I have brown eyes, and graying, yet also dark brown hair (I color it).  I stand 5 feet, 5 inches tall and weigh 230 pounds (I gained 90 pounds, thanks to antipsychotic medication).  People have said that I am "beautiful" and "cute", though I see myself as average.  I am 45 years old, and have entered menopause.
      My "normal"  personality is quiet, sweet, kind, intelligent, artistic, compassionate, patient, funny, and passionate.  When I am depressed, however, I cry a lot, I worry a lot, I fear the world.  I have a fiery streak, if you hurt me deeply, also.  In other words, if you hurt me, you'll hear about it, I'll probably end up using a lot of curse words. LOL!
      I spent some of my childhood in a nice community, and the later half of my childhood, in a poor, high crime city.  I went to vocational school,  in high school, where I studied agriculture.  It was a great atmosphere for me, I wasn't bullied like I was in public school.  Even as a child and teen, I went through depression.  My grades went up and down, like a yo-yo.
      I attempted college, at a very prestigious university, but I was also working full-time to pay for school, and was overwhelmed because I had no free time.  I was extremely depressed and my grades were only average and below average.  I later took classes at an Ivy League university's night school, and did really well, because I wasn't depressed.  It's highly possible that I will go back to college someday.
      I have had jobs working with animals, working in laboratories, working in the Biotechnology field, working in offices, working in supermarkets.  I currently work in a supermarket, and do volunteer work in the office at my church.
      I have been married for 19 years. He is an awesome, wonderful, amazing husband. We do not have any children. We have one deaf cat.  I am also, my wonderful mother's only child. I do not have much family on my father's side.  I do not see my father because he abused me.
      My favorite thing to do is listen to music, usually Rock & Roll, some Rap.  I also like to spend time with my family & friends, paint, read, cook, bake, and write this blog.  
     It is my goal, in life to let other people with mental illness know, that they are not alone, and to also let others know that people with mental illness have feelings, hopes and dreams, like "normal" people.
     I hope that you will share my blog with your trusted family and friends, so that I may fulfill my dream of getting my blog out into the world.  So, please read, like & share!  Thank you!

     I saw my therapist on Tuesday.  She told me that she "didn't need to worry" about me at this point, that I was doing pretty well.  Yes, I have a lot of times where I feel down, but things are on the upswing, currently.  It has been a difficult road, but I have managed to keep moving, forward.
     I think that I am able to keep going on, because of several factors.  I have a good amount of emotional support around me from doctors, therapists, family and friends.  I am learning to steer the direction of my own life, by doing things like working where I want to work, doing volunteer work, attending a center for adults with Mental Illness, creating this blog, and doing things that please me.  I am starting to ponder going back to college or taking an art class.
      My therapist also told me that considering that I have a serious mental illness, I do remarkably well in life.  I think that I am starting to believe her.

     I had a nightmare last night.  I dreamed that I was visiting some new friends.  It started off as a nice visit, we were laughing and talking.  They lived in a very big house.  For some reason, I opened a door and entered a room.  I was appalled at what I saw.  There were 2 naked little girls tied up, on the floor and a man who had been molesting them.  I began to yell and scream at the child molester.  Then I woke up.
    All through this morning, I kept getting flashes of the memories of this dream. I would do my work and see those poor little girls in my mind.  After 3 hours of that I began to feel overwhelmed.  My eyes started to tear up.  Nobody knew, thank God. I hate to cry at work.
     I was relieved when my boss said that he wanted to save hours, so I could go home, if I wanted.  We're having a blizzard today, so there were only occasional customers in our supermarket.  So, I chose to go home.  It's a good day to be at home.  I can think, in peace, I feel safest at home.
     This nightmare was a sign that after over 40 years, since my father abused me, I am still not healed.  I wonder:  will I always have PTSD?

     The past few days have been good, though I have done a lot of sleeping, much more than usual.  I don't think the sleeping is "curing" me, but rather, is the symptom of my tired soul.
      Today, I went to a center, affiliated with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), that I have been going to for a few months.  I find it really enjoyable and helpful, going there.  They have support groups, and other groups like poetry & creative writing, art, knitting, yoga, dual recovery, etc.  Today in creative writing, we were asked to write about how mental illness affected us.
       I have been battling depression and anxiety since I was a young child. I was moody and emotional. It made learning difficult. I am smart, but my grades went up and down. I did not have many friends, and I was bullied.  My pedophile father, called me  "horrible" and accused me, quite often, in a nasty tone of "trying to be different".  I was a scared child, often very sad inside.
       When I approached my twenties, PTSD really hit me hard, with flashbacks and recurring intrusive memories from the abuse of my father.  And depression got worse. I lost jobs and fell into bad relationships. When I was 24, after losing my baby by miscarriage, from being beaten by my "lover", and continual abuse, I called my father and told him "that he had ruined my life and that I was going to kill myself".  My father said: "Go ahead.  Do what you want".  And I, thankfully, have survived a near fatal suicide attempt, that night.
         In my late twenties, I developed psychosis during periods of deep depression, in forms of audio hallucinations, paranoia and delusions.  I would hear my name being called a lot, I would hear strange music. I would fear that someone would try to kill me, or even believe that I was feeling the presence of the devil.  All of these things are very scary to me, I'll feel that my mind is betraying me, by playing tricks on me.  I'll feel out of control when this happens.
         Having Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD mean that I have been taking numerous medications and been in therapy for over 26 years, with at least 7 hospital stays, and 4 partial hospital programs. I also spent a year doing electro-convulsive therapy (shock treatments).  I have suffered a lot.  And what makes it really hard is that a lot of people are not understanding about mental illness.
        As I am growing older...I am now middle aged...life is getting better.  My doctor has worked really hard with me to find the right medications.  I've been working with my therapist for about 15 years and it is paying off.  I'm able to feel happiness now, I'm feeling more alive, I'm learning about myself, having more faith in myself, and I am making progress, I even have my own blog!  And I am so thankful to the people in my life who have stood by me, and helped me to believe in myself.  I am also thankful to God, for hearing my prayers and the prayers of those who prayed for me.

     Yesterday, I worked, a 7 hour day. That's a long day for me. My supermarket job is very physical, lots of lifting, and I think that at 45 years of age, I am getting too old to work 7 hour days, doing that type of job, because my body really hurt, long before the end of the day. I noticed it the most in my hips, where I have arthritis. But, I'll try it again if they ask me to, after all, yesterday was a very busy day for me, at work.

 Today, I am feeling pretty good. I'm listening to some of my favorite music, Jimi Hendrix, and Justin Timberlake, and we did some housecleaning. My husband & I are planning a trip into Boston today. It's 41 degrees Fahrenheit out there, a good temperature for this time of year in New England, good walking weather. I just hope that the city is not too crowded, as that can be very overwhelming for me.

 I have started to attend a peer run center for adults with Mental Illness. By going there, I'm meeting new people, and attending support groups, and other groups like creative writing, art, knitting, yoga, etc. But I hated yoga, lol. They also do a lot of advocacy, for people with Mental Illness, and are affiliated with NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness), which is a wonderful organization. I feel that by going there, I am really helping myself. I always look forward to going to the center

. I am doing more volunteer work at my church. There was a fire there recently, in which I was present, so I have been playing receptionist a few hours a week to help the office manager. I don't mind, but my weeks are getting full, and I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need more down time where I can sit around in my pajamas all day. But they stress that people with Depression should stay busy and active to help keep their minds off of the Hell. I just need to find a happy medium. I need to find time to bake cookies soon, lol.

I am happy to report that my muscle soreness has gone away, since eliminating my Lipitor, and lowering my Abilify. What a relief that is. I was able to go to work on Monday, and worked a six hour day with ease. Which pleased me tremendously. When I feel well, I love my job, even though it's a low skill supermarket job. But on the days I feel ill, I hate my job with a passion, mainly because I can't cope with being there. My emotional state is just OK, not great. A few months ago, I felt a lot of joy, so much that it surprised me. Now, I don't feel it so much, it has flown away. I can't say that I'm really living, even though I have been active, but I am simply existing. At least that's how my soul feels. Having Schizoaffective Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, are a real curse. I can't escape the Hell sometimes. But God-willing, I can use my life experiences to help other people. That is my goal in life.

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     I, am still not, feeling, my happiest.  I am still dragging along through life.  I feel irritable and quiet, detached from a lot of life.  I have been trying to remain active, even though, I don't want to be.  I want to curl up in bed and sleep, for however long, it takes until I feel better.
     Physical complications have arrived.  My Doctor thinks that I am having an allergic reaction to one of my medications.  I have a rash in my inner thighs, and intense muscle soreness.  My cholesterol drug was eliminated because my  Doctor thinks, that it is the culprit.  But one of my antipsychotic/antidepressant's dosage was lowered, because one of the side-effects is muscle soreness.  If I don't feel better in a week, I may have to see a Rheumatology Doctor.
     I am worried about the dropping of the dosage in the psyche med, because I am feeling depressed.  I am worried about my performance at work this week, because I have such a physical job, and I am so uncomfortable and sore.
     But I will get through this somehow.

       I am struggling, less since my last blog entry, but I still feel "Blah".  In other words, I don't feel like doing anything.  Work seems harder, though I am getting through it, and my house is a mess.  But I don't really care at all, that's the sad part.  And I just don't have much to say.  I am much quieter now.  I miss my happy moments, I hope this Depression doesn't last much longer.

     Three days ago, I saw both my Psychiatrist, and my therapist, and they both agreed that I am Depressed.  I didn't fully realize it, until then, because I wasn't crying a lot, I wasn't at the point of wanting to jump off of a bridge, in other words, I wasn't in crisis mode.  I just have a lack of interest in anything.  So, my Psychiatrist increased one of my meds, and slowly my mood is lifting.
      We experienced a blizzard, last night, here in Massachusetts.  We got 28 inches.  The thought of all that snow sent me into panic mode, with me shouting:  "There's no way, you're getting me outside in that shit", to my husband.  But I'm trying to consider it, after all, the snow is beautiful to see.  I know that if my mind was in a happy state, I would be eager to witness the amazing effect of a New England Blizzard.  But right now, I just don't care.
       My therapist also pointed out to me, that I have a lot on my mind.  I am concerned about a couple of children in my family, because their parents are separating and causing a lot of drama and the children have conveyed to my husband and I, their unhappiness.  It's causing me to have nightmares.  All I can do is be there for them, try to offer my support.
       But, I wish that I was a Superhero.  Then I could save everyone from their trauma, and then, I wouldn't have PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder.

     I have noticed, that something about me is not quite right.  My mood isn't too bad, but I am not as happy as I have been at times in the past.
     I used to wake up between 4 and 5 AM, every morning, active before the birds.  Now I fall asleep, every night, by 8 PM, and sleep up to 12 hours a night.
     I feel like I am dragging at work, my speed and enthusiasm have been reduced.
      We went to a Superbowl party and I felt overwhelmed and had to leave at half-time.
      So, I'm going to try to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday or at least talk to her on the phone.  We've made some medication changes, recently.  I think we need to make another change.  Like a car, I need to be fine-tuned.

     I am happy to report, that I am doing much better, since my last blog entry.  It took an increase in Abilify, a drug that works as an anti-psychotic, and also gives a boost to anti-depressants, and 6 days home from work, but today went smoothly.
      Today, was my first day back to work, and I was nervous going back, but it went well.  The people I work with were all very supportive of me, and I did not feel overwhelmed by my work.  I got a good amount of work done, and I was pleased by my performance.
     On the days, that I feel good, it feels like a God-given miracle.  I am happy to go to work, to interact with people, to be with those that I love.  I feel so thankful on these so-called "normal" days.  I feel like a little kid at Disneyworld on my happy days.  And I wonder if other people feel the same way, if healthy people have as much appreciation for ordinary days, as I do.
      The bad days are tough to live with.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, really shakes up your life with nightmares, flashbacks, recurring horrifying memories, etc.  Scizoaffective Disorder gives you a mood disorder, either Depression, or Bi-Polar Disorder, with Schizophrenic-type symptoms, like delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, etc.
       I, am, however getting stronger as the years go by.  I've been in psychotherapy and have been on medication for 26 years.  It's taken a long time to find the right medications.  And a long time to heal the trauma in my soul.
       But today, I have no complaints.  Today, I am just thankful.

     After my last blog entry, I thought that I was doing better, but it only lasted a few days.   I saw my psychiatrist on January 14, because I felt anxious.  She lowered one mild anti-anxiety medication dosage, because I didn't feel that it was working, and she prescribed me a stronger tranquilizer.  But 2 days later, I felt depressed.  I didn't want to go to work, my job felt too overwhelming, which made no sense because I have a non-challenging job, and I love to work.
I was irritable, sleeping more, and feeling unlike myself.
     Finally yesterday, I crashed hard.  I started to cry at work, so I went to the ladies room thinking I would cry it out and go back to work.  But instead, I could not stop crying and someone must have heard me.  Before I knew it, I was surrounded by people, having to explain that I was very depressed.
     The managers and staff were supportive, thank God.  My co-worker and friend drove me home.  My boss had told me that if I needed time off, it was OK.  I was so thankful for their kindness, but also embaressed to have other people see me break down.
      I talked to my psychiatrist this morning, and she is increasing one of my anti-depressants, and if that doesn't work she will increase one of my other medications.  But she is confident that I will feel better soon and should be able to return to work next Monday.

     The holidays are over now, and the new year, 2013, has begun.  It was not a good beginning for me, mainly because, I did something wrong, and now, I'm having a very hard time forgiving myself.
     I won't get into the details of what I did, because it is irrelevant, but let's just say that it was a slip-up, a forgivable, very human, sin.  But I am struggling immensely, and feeling worthless, even though, I have been forgiven.
     I have always had a problem with accepting myself, and having good self-esteem.  I think my father, is to blame, with his very sick abuse towards me from early childhood.  He didn't seem to love me,  he always seemed angry at me, so I felt very unlovable.  It was hard, as a little child, feeling that way.
     My angry thoughts still yell:  "You are a worthless, crazy, unlovable, loser, Christine".
     My calm thoughts try to say: "Christine, you are smart, talented, loving, and beautiful. You should not hate yourself."
     But it always seems that my negative thoughts win.
     I am angry at myself for having PTSD, and Schizoaffective Disorder, and for slipping up, when things are difficult.
     I have been in therapy for decades, working hard, for my recovery, but still, I can't forgive myself when I make a mistake.  And I feel like a defective computer, because my brain does not work, the way it should.  Does anybody else, out there, know how I can learn to love myself?  Any input would be immensely appreciated.

     Well, I must be honest, for several days after Christmas & New Year's, I fell apart again.
     I made a mistake and hurt my husband.  I did not mean to hurt him.  I was in a bad place, emotionally, and did the wrong thing.
     My husband and I have talked about it, and he is no longer angry with me and he forgives me, but I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I hated myself for hurting my husband.  I didn't feel that I deserved his love anymore.  I was so upset at myself, that I considered suicide.
      Fortunately, I was able to talk to both my Therapist and my Pastor, and they both told me the same thing.  They told me that I was a good person who made a bad mistake and I was too hard on myself, that I need to forgive myself.
      My depression is lifting, Thank God.  I am also sad because I had to say goodbye to an old friend.
      But I am hopeful, that things will get better.