I am happy to report that my muscle soreness has gone away, since eliminating my Lipitor, and lowering my Abilify. What a relief that is. I was able to go to work on Monday, and worked a six hour day with ease. Which pleased me tremendously. When I feel well, I love my job, even though it's a low skill supermarket job. But on the days I feel ill, I hate my job with a passion, mainly because I can't cope with being there. My emotional state is just OK, not great. A few months ago, I felt a lot of joy, so much that it surprised me. Now, I don't feel it so much, it has flown away. I can't say that I'm really living, even though I have been active, but I am simply existing. At least that's how my soul feels. Having Schizoaffective Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, are a real curse. I can't escape the Hell sometimes. But God-willing, I can use my life experiences to help other people. That is my goal in life.

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     I, am still not, feeling, my happiest.  I am still dragging along through life.  I feel irritable and quiet, detached from a lot of life.  I have been trying to remain active, even though, I don't want to be.  I want to curl up in bed and sleep, for however long, it takes until I feel better.
     Physical complications have arrived.  My Doctor thinks that I am having an allergic reaction to one of my medications.  I have a rash in my inner thighs, and intense muscle soreness.  My cholesterol drug was eliminated because my  Doctor thinks, that it is the culprit.  But one of my antipsychotic/antidepressant's dosage was lowered, because one of the side-effects is muscle soreness.  If I don't feel better in a week, I may have to see a Rheumatology Doctor.
     I am worried about the dropping of the dosage in the psyche med, because I am feeling depressed.  I am worried about my performance at work this week, because I have such a physical job, and I am so uncomfortable and sore.
     But I will get through this somehow.

       I am struggling, less since my last blog entry, but I still feel "Blah".  In other words, I don't feel like doing anything.  Work seems harder, though I am getting through it, and my house is a mess.  But I don't really care at all, that's the sad part.  And I just don't have much to say.  I am much quieter now.  I miss my happy moments, I hope this Depression doesn't last much longer.

     Three days ago, I saw both my Psychiatrist, and my therapist, and they both agreed that I am Depressed.  I didn't fully realize it, until then, because I wasn't crying a lot, I wasn't at the point of wanting to jump off of a bridge, in other words, I wasn't in crisis mode.  I just have a lack of interest in anything.  So, my Psychiatrist increased one of my meds, and slowly my mood is lifting.
      We experienced a blizzard, last night, here in Massachusetts.  We got 28 inches.  The thought of all that snow sent me into panic mode, with me shouting:  "There's no way, you're getting me outside in that shit", to my husband.  But I'm trying to consider it, after all, the snow is beautiful to see.  I know that if my mind was in a happy state, I would be eager to witness the amazing effect of a New England Blizzard.  But right now, I just don't care.
       My therapist also pointed out to me, that I have a lot on my mind.  I am concerned about a couple of children in my family, because their parents are separating and causing a lot of drama and the children have conveyed to my husband and I, their unhappiness.  It's causing me to have nightmares.  All I can do is be there for them, try to offer my support.
       But, I wish that I was a Superhero.  Then I could save everyone from their trauma, and then, I wouldn't have PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder.

     I have noticed, that something about me is not quite right.  My mood isn't too bad, but I am not as happy as I have been at times in the past.
     I used to wake up between 4 and 5 AM, every morning, active before the birds.  Now I fall asleep, every night, by 8 PM, and sleep up to 12 hours a night.
     I feel like I am dragging at work, my speed and enthusiasm have been reduced.
      We went to a Superbowl party and I felt overwhelmed and had to leave at half-time.
      So, I'm going to try to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday or at least talk to her on the phone.  We've made some medication changes, recently.  I think we need to make another change.  Like a car, I need to be fine-tuned.