I realized something, recently, that I hadn't thought of before. I realized, that I think of my father, every, single, day. I think of him despite the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and neglect, that he bestowed upon me. I still cannot believe that I have space, in my mind, that I give to him They say that as a Christian, I should forgive my father. But my Dear, Sweet Lord, I just cannot forgive him. I am traumatized within. I will never be the same.
Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts. I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years. In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations. At times over the years, I was over-medicated. I could not feel, for years..
When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men. I think that it was a father-figure issue. To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood. As someone, that I know said to me: "B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old. After that, it is only because of sexual favors".
I have not prayed for my father. But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children. I am not there to protect them, from my father's abuse. It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings. My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest. I just don't know how I can forgive someone so evil.
