It is late at night, as I write this blog, and the sounds of The Rolling Stones, on my stereo, are attempting to drown out, the sounds of the rain, thunder and lightening, outside of my open window.  It's a little frightening, as the lightening has struck close to our house, this evening.  But late night, like early morning, can have a real peacefulness to it.  And peace and being alone, are what it takes, for me to be able to write.  Not to mention, good music playing, lol.
     I am doing relatively well.  My Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, tends act up on a regular basis though, through flashbacks, nightmares and emerging memories.  I developed PTSD from childhood and  also domestic abuse.  I don't know if this will be a life-long problem for me.  I expect, that over time I will continue to learn newer and better ways of coping with it, which will improve my life.
     My Schizoaffective Disorder, which is a Mental Illness, has been behaving well, these days...Thank You, Lord!!  About a month ago, my psychiatrist, took me off of Risperdol, which is an antipsychotic medication.  Since then, I would describe myself as a little more feistier.  I have not felt emotionally depressed in months.  I had some auditory hallucinations a few weeks ago, when I was feeling sick and weak, with a bad cold, but they have not since resurfaced.  I have been enjoying working part-time, at the supermarket, and doing volunteer work at my church, both of which I would dread doing, if I were severely depressed.
     Physically, I'm doing better, than I was doing a few weeks ago.  Peri-menopause, had been giving me wicked hot flashes, and night sweats.  My psychiatrist prescribed me Neurontin, which is actually an anti-seizure drug, but it helps with hot flashes, night sweats, anxiety, etc.  So, my hot flashes and night sweats are less intense, now.  But, I am still not sleeping well, I toss & turn all night long.  I get good sleep, for about a half hour before my alarm clock goes off, lol.  And I'm still not eating a lot.  My appetite is rare now, I have no desire to eat,  The good news about this however, is that I have lost 6 pounds, at least.  My pants are getting too big!
      Well, it is now after midnight.  My cat has gone to bed with my husband, and I can hear my husband snoring from all the way upstairs.  I should go to bed, but the truth is, I love writing this blog, it has been so therapeutic for me.  I also, love knowing, that somebody, somewhere may read this blog someday, and find some comfort in knowing, that they too, are not alone battling PTSD or mental illness.  Please share my blog with other friends, and let it continue to travel around Mother Earth, to reach every person in need.  
Thank You & God Bless You!!
     

     Have you ever had a nightmare, that just haunted you, all day long?  A dream so disturbing to you, that you can't believe that you dreamed it?  Yes, I had one of those nightmares, early this morning.
     I haven't mentioned it a lot, but I have two half-siblings.  I hate that term "half-siblings.  They were my brother and sister, in my eyes.  They were, my father and his second wife's children.  I haven't seen them in 27 years.  I haven't seen them, since I exposed my father for his horrible, disgusting abuse toward me.  And, I'm not sure if I will ever get over it.  That's how great the pain is.
     This morning I dreamed that I was about 16 years old and I was visiting my father, and his family, down south.  In my dream, my father decided to have my little brother, who was 12 years old, euthanized, or rather, executed, because, they thought that he had mental illness.  My step-mother did not fight to save my little brother, and my little sister was paralyzed with fear.  My little brother was cavalier about it, saying "Yeah, sis, they're executing me next week, no big deal".  It was as if, this execution didn't surprise him.  I ran out of the house in hysteria.
     When I went back to the house, my little brother was gone.  I asked my stepmother, if my little brother was dead.  She said "Yes, we euthanized him while you were gone.  We couldn't let him grow up, being mentally ill'
      I left their house, and wandered the streets.  People were asking me, if it was true, if their neighbor and friend, had really killed their little boy.  A lady asked me if my little brother suffered.  I answered "No, they killed him by lethal injection.  I know, because they also euthanized me, a few years ago".
      WOW!!  I can't even put together all of my thoughts, on this nightmare.  I haven't dreamed about my father and his family, in a long time.  The dream portrays how evil, my father really is, with his desire to hurt his children, and kill.  And like in reality, my stepmother stood by letting it all happen, letting her children get hurt.
     I think that my dream, also profoundly, touched on my fears of being a mentally ill person in this sometimes, cold, cruel, ignorant world.  After all, not too long ago, and maybe, still today, in some parts of the world, mentally ill people, have been murdered, simply because they were mentally ill.
     One of the reasons, that I stay anonamous, and do not publish my last name, or my photograph, is because, I am so deathly afraid of my father.  I am still afraid that he will drive to New England someday, and attempt to kill me because, I have written about him, in my blog.  And, no, that's not paranoia talking.  So, please, please, please, if you know my real identity, try to keep it secret.

     As you know, I am battling PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, and now Peri-menopause.  Life has been difficult lately, because, I am having a lot of  horrible hot flashes, and heart palpitations, night sweats, etc.  I am losing weight also because I just don't feel like eating, I have no appetite.  So, I took a much-needed vacation.  And now, I feel really good.  It was precisely what I needed.  A very smart decision.
     I spent my vacation, getting together with friends, resting, and I visited my mother, in Maine.  Maine is 2 states away from me, so I took a bus up on Wednesday and came home on Saturday.
     To be honest, I think that Maine is a beautiful state, but, there is not much to do there, so I have no dreams of ever living there.  But my mother is there, and I am, deep-down crazy about my mother.
      Mama and I had a rough start.  She had me at 19, and found herself married to a sociopath who threatened to kill her. She left him, I mean, literally, escaped him, with me, a mere toddler, and fled from South Carolina back to her home in Massachusetts, with not much more, than me in her arms.  We were so poor, and she found herself in some really terrible relationships.  In the mean time, the courts said that I had to visit my father, who paid a despicable amount of child support, and he turned out to be disgustingly abusive towards me.  Over the years, my mother earned college degrees, as she too battled her past trauma and depression.  She  has evolved, over the years, into a wonderful mother.
     I realize now, that I haven't said a lot about my mother, in my blogs.  I think that I wanted to protect her privacy.  But she is a very important part of my life.   Mama, if you ever read my blogs, I want you to know that I love you so much.

     It has been 5 days since my last blog, and it never ceases to amaze me, how time changes things.   I am on vacation this week, for a much-needed rest.
     Emotionally, I am feeling good, I am in a happy mood, and I am happy that Spring is finally here.  I have spent time with some good friends and my husband, and it has felt great.
     Physically, I am doing OK, though, I still have no appetite.  I eat about once a day, usually dinner time, and I eat about half of what I used to eat at dinner.  So, I'm not taking in a lot.  But I weigh about 225 pounds, so I can stand to lose a few, lol.  Even though, I have only lost about 7 pounds, I do feel more physically flexible, and a bit more energetic.  Sure, my weight loss is a good thing, but I have been in situations like this before, where I lose my appetite and lose a lot of weight.  It means that, I will eventually gain it all back at rapid speed when my appetite comes back.
    Thankfully, I am sleeping better.  I still, usually, wake up several times in the night, because I am hot and sweaty, and then I end up getting cold, BUT, I fall back to sleep easily now.  And because I am on vacation, this week, I have the time to sleep several hours past my usual waking time.
     I am no longer feeling tired, worn out, burnt out, etc.  I think that my decision to take a vacation from work at this time was very wise, and prevented me from having a break-down in the near future.  I am learning, over time, to recognize the things that trigger my PTSD and mental illness.

     Today is Thursday, and my much-needed vacation has started.  Hooray!  I am so happy!  I am so relieved.  I only work part-time, but I've been so ill these past 5 weeks.  I need a break.
     I wondered, if I'd make it, or if I'd fall apart.  My body is so tired, so worn out.  My mind wants to get lost in deep, wonderful, sleep.
     My body is battling peri-menopause (and the end of a terrible cold).  My mind battles Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD.  When you combine all these ailments, its a dicey situation.  Basically, for the mind to be healthy, the body has to be healthy.  And when the mind is unhealthy, people tend to neglect their bodies health.
    I am getting more sleep now, but its a mystery, why I still have no appetite, and why I have developed a real aversion to green foods.  I have only lost 6 pounds, so far, and my doctors are not concerned.  I, however, am a bit concerned, because, I have Diabetes, and I think that not eating a lot of the time is, well, not good.
    My mood is pretty good, Thank God.  I did not become depressed with the onset of peri-menopause, but I did have auditory hallucinations in the form of music, a few weeks ago, when I had that terrible cold.
     I am planning to spend my vacation with my husband, and some of my friends.  I am also hoping to visit my Mom, in Maine for a few days.