I resigned from my job at the supermarket about a month ago, and my life is finally showing me signs of joy again.  I'm not saying that my life is perfect, now, but it is starting to show promise.
     My deep depression has lifted, and my anger is dissipating.  I am, at times sensitive and irritable, but that can be cured, usually by some alone time.  I find myself frustrated at my husband, because he doesn't like to leave my side, and there's times when I need to be alone, to write.  I am having some trouble sleeping, still.  I start off in bed, and end up downstairs on the couch at 1 AM, watching television, hoping to fall back asleep.  I am still eating only about 1 meal per day, but my doctors' do not feel concerned because I weigh 200 pounds.  I have lost 30 pounds, so far, in the past year.
     I have had one unsettling experience, however.  While my husband and I, were driving to the movie theater, this past weekend, I noticed a man standing in a doorway, in the rain, about one block away from the theater.  We went into the theater, got our popcorn, and sat in our seats.  About 15 minutes later, the man from the doorway walked in, and sat a few rows directly in front of us.  I panicked.  I said:  "Frankie, that man in front of us, is following me. He's going to hurt me", I said, and I started to cry.  I was waiting for that man to pull out a pistol and blow my head off, in my mind.  I started to cry.  Frankie said to me, in his wonderful, kind, understanding way:  "I won't let anyone hurt you, you are safe".  "I will always protect you", he said.  And I was able to finally, calm down.
     To look at me, and spend time with me, you might never guess that I experience these types of psychotic breaks.  I am bright, intelligent, creative, artistic, kind, easy-going, passionate, loving, pretty, compassionate, empathetic, non-judgmental.  Overall, I try to do my best at everything I do.  Unfortunately, though, my brain has "glitches", that I will probably always have.

     I felt completely miserable for a few weeks after quitting my job.  My sleep cycle was wrecked.  I never wanted to eat.  I was crying a lot.   I felt hostile towards my husband.  I couldn't really help my friends that were in need of help.  I was pissed off at the world. Just  totally depressed.

     When I saw my therapist and psychiatrist last week, however, things began to change.  My psychiatrist increased my Seroquel dosage.  I am still adjusting to it, but it does make me feel quite drunk.  It does take away a lot of my anxiety and irritability, though.  Eventually, I will adjust to it.

     Both my therapist and psychiatrist felt that I had made the right decision in quitting my job and getting out of that toxic environment.  I felt depressed because, I loved working there up until the end.  I love to work, period.  So I was in mourning, basically.

     I felt angry at my husband, I couldn't even look him in the eyes.  I was angry, because I felt guilty, that I no longer had my income from the supermarket to provide. I felt guilty because I was so depressed, that he had to take care of me.  I was contemplating jumping off the edge of the Earth.

     I don't feel that way now, thanks to the good Lord, and the wonderful people that He put in my life.  I am starting to feel pretty good again.   Soon, I will try to find another occupation.   I am still having bad dreams about work, though.  But, they will disappear, in time.

     I just want to say thank you, to everyone who supported me and prayed for me.

     I had thought that after I resigned from my job I would feel great relief.  I was dead wrong.  I am greatly suffering inside my soul, instead.

     This past week. I had a few days where I slept all day and all night.  And then, I had nights where I didn't sleep at all. 

    I have no appetite, I am eating about 1 meal per day.  On the days where I slept all day and all night, I did not eat anything.  Which is not a good thing for me, as I have Type 2 Diabetes.. I am also having sugar cravings.  There's nothing like food with real sugar in it, so appreciate it.

    Basically, I am neglecting my physical self.  It's not intentional.  I am just still shell-shocked from my last job.

    Emotionally, I feel like running away and hiding somewhere, hiding from the world.  I have done some really sad sobbing.  I feel like a failure.  I feel that I can no longer provide as much financially.  I feel like I have no purpose, I feel like I have no identity.

     As you may have read, in the last blog entry, I resigned from my job.  I was working, as a Meat Clerk, at a supermarket.  I had been there for 5 1/2 years and always felt secure in my job, until about 10 weeks ago.
     No, it was not a high paying, super-professional occupation.  In fact, it was a lot of physical labor, a young person's job, really.  But it kept me in good physical shape.  And I was really good at my job.  I knew what to do, always helped my co-workers, worked my ass off, was awesome, awesome, awesome with customers.
    I have an educational background in agriculture, I studied about farm animals, from gestation to slaughter.  I felt that my background in this field encouraged me to succeed at my job.
      It was a low-paying job, but I did not care.  I was just happy to have this job, and I loved doing it most of the time.  I appreciate the fact that I can work at least part-time. And I LOVE to work.
    But I had been out on medical leave numerous times over the past 5 1/2 years, and lost my position in the Meat Dept., while out on a medical leave.  They "accommodated" me by putting in another department.  And in the other department, I was driven to tears several times, with their scolding, whenever, I made a mistake in this new position.
     In the past, I was asked what my diagnosis is twice, which is not legal,  I was forced to bring in two notes from my psychiatrist, to accommodate my work hours, when I only needed one.  Another employee boldly walked up to me after I had come back from my first medical leave and exclaimed "Hey, I heard you had a nervous breakdown".  In other words, my confidentiality was never respected.
    In the end, the store manager harassed me and threatened to terminate me over Family Leave Act paperwork.  I felt that she was trying to push me out the door.
     Because of the stress, I started to become ill, I wasn't eating, wasn't sleeping, was crying excessively.
I took a little time off from work, talked to a lot of people, professionals included, and after many suggestions, made a painful decision to resign from my job, at the supermarket.
     I have been in a bit of a grieving state, after all, I had  been working there a long time.    I miss the guys that I worked with.  I was the only female in the Meat Dept.  They looked out for me, I spoiled them with daily goodies from the bakery or cookie aisle.  My boss said that I was his best worker, that he wished that all his workers were as good as me.  He wasn't the one who transferred me.  It was a "corporate" decision.
      So now, I don't know what to do with my life anymore....It's the end of an era for me....

     I made my decision, about my job, finally.  After 5 1/2 years, at that supermarket, I resigned.  In fact, I resigned, on July 1, which is my birthday.
     It was not an easy decision for me, but I felt that I had no other choice.  When I worked in the Meat Dept, as a Meat Clerk, I was quite happy & satisfied with my job.  I know..... it was only a lower- level clerk position, but I was really good at it.  I didn't mind the heavy, laborious work.  I knew my products.  I knew how to do my job, I was great with customers, I loved the guys...all guys.. that I worked with, I loved how they stood up for me, when I was I was ill, I loved how my boss said that I was his best worker.  And I was proud of myself that I could perform this pretty much male-oriented position.
    But as I said in an earlier blog, I became ill and had to be hospitalized.  I was on leave for about 8 weeks, trying to repair my mind and soul.  And when I went back to work, they had given my part-time position to a full-time guy, and my great boss, was transferred to another store.
    They put me in the Deli Dept. to try to appease me, but I was miserable there.  To give you an example, the last day that I worked, I was asked to look through some loaves of bread "To look for holes in the bags where mice had eaten through"....Yes, I really said that...'MICE.  So I looked, and didn't see any holes in bags.  Apparently, I was wrong.  Because the Deli Manager collected several bags with mice-eaten holes in them, and scolded me because a customer, brought one of these mouse-eaten bags to the manager of the whole supermarket.
    Yes, it appears that I fucked up, I didn't look carefully enough. I was distracted because I was overwhelmed by my change in jobs.  I was quite depressed, in fact.  But my feeling is::  "Why were there fucking rodents in the supermarket to begin with?  Why come down hard on me, when it is clear that you are a fucking unsanitary department, violating public health codes?"
    To make things clear, I am a really hard worker.  If my boss has faith in me, I will work my ass off for him / her.  I am a totally loyal employee if treated right.  But I could sue this supermarket, because they were violating my civil rights, in many ways, that I have not mentioned.  But suing them might drain me of positive energy.
     So, who knows what I will do occupationally now.  maybe I will go back to college...who knows.  I didn't make much money at the supermarket, but it was my money, and will be missed.  Fortunately, I do get a small monthly check from SSDI.  It saddens me to think that I will never   pull in a good income.  But peace of mind is crucial.