My Nana passed away yesterday, and the grief is reaching me on so many levels.  My Nana and I hadn't spoken in a couple of years, though I would send her cards.  She moved to Florida and  never told me that  she was going. Nana is my father's mother.  If you have not read, my earlier blog entries, my father is a cold, child molester and I was one of his victims.  So our relationship was complicated as she kept pressuring me to "make up with my father".  But once I outed my father for  abusing me, he threw me away like a piece of trash, and worse, he no longer  allowed me contact with my half-siblings.  Nana  never fought for me, never reported him to Child Protective Services, never fought for his other children's safety.
     But I also have nice memories of her, when she spent time with me when I was a little child.  But when I got accepted into agricultural vocational school, where I thrived, and loved it there, she began to try to crush  my dreams by telling me over and over that  my education was no good, and that I should go to public high school.  I loved Nana, but could not stand her at times, in my life.
      So, now there will be a wake and a funeral, where I will probably  see my father for the first time in 26 years, and that scares me.  I have such deep anger against him.  I'm afraid that I will want to hurt him, and  I hate feeling that way.  It is not the path of Jesus.  So, I will bite my tongue and refuse to acknowledge him.  Please pray for me.

     I thought that I would give an update of my status at this present time.  I think that overall, for me, I am doing pretty damn good!  Parts of this summer were very hard because I had days where I had flashbacks, bad memories, and even auditory hallucinations.  But  I have been able to cope with these things very well.  Yes, I cried, at times, but I did not want to die.  I'd get knocked down, but I'd get up amazingly well.  It has been this way since I got out of the hospital, in January.  Before, in my life, I would fall apart over every upset, and not know how to put myself back together.  Now I have been granted some type of power, it feels like, a power of great strength.  And I realize that I have been given a blessing, that I will forever treasure.
     It took decades to reach this point, 26 years of counseling, 26 years at different medication attempts, a year of Electro-Convulsive Therapy, numerous hospitalizations, and the prayers and love of many wonderful people.  I'm not saying that I will ever be cured, but I came to a revelation that life is good and I must really try to live it to it's fullest.
     I want to thank the people that love me, and thank God, for giving me strength to persevere.  Nothing I say, will ever be able to thank them enough.

     I think that one of the things, that carries me through all of my days, is my strong faith in God.    Every day, I pray, usually for someone else, but on my worst days I have pray for me.  And God listens to me, answering and fulfilling countless prayers for me.  My Pastor has called me a "Vessel", in other words, a conduit to God.  Strangers and people I barely know, constantly confide in me their problems and life stories.  I usually just listen, sometimes offering advice, if I have any. Most of the time I know that God has heard their stories through me, and I just pray.  I don't go to church as often as I should, and I haven't opened a Bible since I was a child, when I read it extensively.  I just know that to talk to God and to feel the presence of the Lord is what is really important.  
     But at times, I wonder if my ability to feel the presence of God, is a delusion.  You see, a year and a half ago, I also felt the presence of Satan.  I was in a bad state of mind, and refused to go to church for months because I felt that I was being followed by Satan, and didn't want to bring Satan into such a holy place like church.  Fortunately, this paranoid delusion went away, after treatment.
     Delusion or no delusion, I will not give up my faith in God.  When I  am falling apart God is there to listen, when people are often not.
      I feel You, Lord.  I know that You have granted me a most difficult journey in life, but You gave it to me because I am brave, strong, compassionate , and full of love for others.  With You, Lord, I want to help  as  many people suffering with mental illness as possible.