I had an interesting morning, today.  I only got about 3 hours of sleep, last night, but I was on the 7:10 AM Commuterail this morning.  My destination was Boston.  Did I mention how freezing cold it was this morning?
     Once in Boston, I had a visit with my psychiatrist.  She said that I was doing very well, and did not make any medication changes.  I had been having anxiety attacks and flashbacks, just 2 weeks ago, but told her that now, I didn't think that I would need any tranquilizers.
     After that appointment, I had a session with my psychotherapist.  During this session, I discussed the possibility of pressing charges against my father for sexually abusing me 40 years ago, when I was just 6 years old.  My therapist and I, then discussed several scenarios that could take place.  In the end of the discussion, I realized that, because it was 4 decades ago, my chances of a successful prosecution were very low.  And I know that if I don't succeed at sending that pervert to jail, I will be devastated. I will feel that the judicial system failed me also. That experience could send me into a tailspin, emotionally.  It is a lot to think about.....
    In the near future, I will probably write more about my experiences with my father, and my feelings about him.  I will only sum him up in one word now:  MONSTER

     At times, like a lot of people, I question myself, wondering, if I am in the right occupation.
Presently, I work as a part-time clerk, in the Meat Department of a supermarket.  This requires me to stock the refrigerated meat products, check for expired products, weigh and price products, wrap meat, clean work areas, and assist customers on the store floor, and at the butcher case. Not exactly rocket science.  And not exactly, making much of an impact on society.  Unless, of course, you want me to recommend a great steak for you to eat.
     On one hand, its a great job for me.  The guys I work with, are great to me.  Because of a strong union, I have taken several leave of absences, due to my illnesses, and always had a job, to come back to.  The job requires me to be on my feet, doing a lot of lifting, so it is a great physical work-out, also.  I know how to do my job well, and I love helping the customers.  My boss, says that I am his best employee, and that I am great at customer service.  And my job is located close to home and I usually have a ride (very few taxi rides).
     I wonder, quite often though, where I would be occupationally, if I did not have PTSD, Schizoaffective Disorder, and Panic Disorder.  Would I have ever made it through college?  What occupation would I have chosen?  Would I be more satisfied with my life?
     I may consider going back to college at some point.  I tried to go back to college about 10 years ago, but for many years, I was taking super heavy-duty anti-psychotics, and it was like a chemical lobotomy.  I just could not focus, concentrate, or even learn.  Later on, for one year, also, I was receiving electro-convulsive therapy  (shock treatments), and my memory would be wiped out, making learning impossible.  I no longer receive shock treatments, and my medications have been changed since then, so maybe I will have a chance at college, at some point.
    Honestly, I have no clue, what I want to be "when I grow up".  I have decided that I would like to make some type of good impact on society.  I ask myself, how do I go about doing that?  And now I wonder, with "My Uncomfortable Mind", if I am already doing just that......
   

     My post, on my personal Facebook page today, reads:  "I'm just not feeling it, today".  It's true.  I feel wiped out, and sad.
    I suspect, that I know, the reason why.  It is because I forgot, to take my morning & afternoon psychiatric medications, on yesterday morning & afternoon...5 different types of drugs, Effexor, Abilify, BuSpar, Trillifon, and Neurontin.
     I remember to take my medications, 98%, of the time, I'd say.  Nobody is perfect, but I strive to be.  The reason, I try so hard, to take my medications, on time, is because, when I miss a dose, or 2, I feel insecure, paranoid, frustrated, scared, panicky, depressed, guilty, etc.
     Yesterday, early in the evening, I had a one-way texting disagreement with a friend from my high school years. It didn't make a lot of sense, frankly.  It wasn't until evening, after my nonsensical, texting, that I remembered that I had forgotten to take my meds.
    This morning, until now, I have felt guilty, for frustrating my friend.  Always remember to take your medications, my friends.

     One thing that I have realized, is that, I need to write more often.  And I need to write about even the ordinary moments in my life.
     I usually get up, out of bed, at between 3-5 AM.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I get up at stupid-o'clock.  Its because I have trouble sleeping, and I'm too restless to just lay in bed.
    At first, I make myself a cup of Starbucks coffee.  I check my e-mails, and read my Facebook, usually in silence, for the first half hour.  Once I have become more awake, I make another cup of coffee, and sometimes watch a bit of the news.  But, I have been escaping the television news ritual a lot more lately, because honestly, the news is depressing.
     Most mornings I put music on, looking through my iTunes account, picking out my favorite music, depending on my mood.  It could range from The Moody Blues, to Pearl Jam, to Cypress Hill....to anybody.  My landlord has severe hearing loss, so she has never been concerned about the stereo playing in the wee morning hours.
     Often, in the early, peaceful, uninterrupted, dawn hours, I will pray, for anyone I feel that needs it.  It is always an emotional experience for me, sometimes leading to tears, because I feel so humbled, that the Lord takes the time to listen to and answer my prayers.  I have felt a close connection to God, since I was a young child.
     My mother and I, talk by telephone, usually very early just about every day.  Even though my mother and I had a rough start, I am crazy about her.  My day feels a bit empty, until I hear from her.  She lives 2 states north of us, in rural Maine, with just her dog, so I worry about her if I don't hear from her.  My nature is a bit paranoid at times, and I have a tremendous fear of her dying
     At some point, I make myself a cup of hot chocolate, and when my husband wakes up, I make him a cup of coffee.  My deaf cat awakes at some point, and runs and scampers all over the house, delighting me.
     On work mornings, I shower & dress, take my medications, try to eat a bagel or toast, and arrive at work by 7 AM.
    On the weekends, we spend hours "couching it", drinking even more coffee, watching educational television, talking, listening to music.
    So, yes, I have PTSD, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder, but do you see how ordinary my life can be?

     Although I have felt mainly happy, for quite some time,  I still have struggles, periodically, that shake up my world.
     This past week, was especially hard on me.  It might sound silly, but my anxiety started around a toothache, and an appointment I had to make to a dentist.  I haven't been to the dentist in about 3 years, because I fear the experience so deeply.
     Anxiety started setting in on Saturday, when my tooth started to hurt, and on Monday the anxiety attacks started.  Tuesday, I started having flashbacks of being abused by my father, in unspeakable ways.  I was, hysterically crying by 7 AM, sitting in the car, in full work uniform.  My gracious husband called my boss and told him that I would not be going to work that day.
     My Mother knew that I was too upset to go to work that day, I could not conceal my pain when she called me on the telephone.  But, I didn't have the heart to tell her about my flashbacks.
     I talked to my Therapist and Psychiatrist over the phone.  My Psychiatrist gave me a prescription for a few tranquilizers, and my life consisted of work & sleep, until Thursday morning when I went into Boston to meet with my Therapist.
     My Therapist asked me why the dentist appointment was triggering terror & flashbacks in me.  I told her that I didn't like things being put into my mouth, that didn't belong there.  She understood right away what I meant, and if you are a child abuse survivor, you will too.   "It's horribly invasive, isn't it?", she said.
      She also asked me if it was possible if my flashbacks were dreams.  I think that possibly, she is supposed to ask me that.  But my gut feeling was to punch her in the face, for what I perceived, was her doubting me.  But, in my calmest attempt, I told her that these flashbacks were so real, that I actually physically felt the abuse happening to me.
      On Friday, I finally went to the dentist.  I took a tranquilizer before I went, and was calm.  Fortunately, just x-rays were taken, and I learned that I need 2 crowns, just for starters.
     I think, however, that as time goes on, my dental appointments will become easier for me.
I am now confronting this fear.

    In the year, 2012, I touched upon, what I believed, were a few keys to happiness, especially, if you are mentally ill, or have PTSD.  But I believe that they can be applied to most people.
     I'd like to review a few of these things, that I believe will help you to lead a happier life:
-Taking care of yourself, physically, is very important.  Take care of your body, by getting enough sleep, eating well, seeing a doctor if needed, etc.
-Taking care of your mind is crucial.  That means, taking your medications as directed, and seeing your Psychiatrist, and talking with them, about your psychiatric symptoms, honestly, as often as needed.
-Taking care of yourself, emotionally.  This means seeing your Psychotherapist, as often as needed, and honestly, opening up with them about your life's struggles.
-Taking care of yourself, also means making changes in your life, at times. These changes may be very difficult, in that, you may have to move to a new home or seek a new job.  Or they may be gut-wrenching, when you have to evict another human from your life, because they are causing you too much pain.
 -Taking care of yourself, means also, to seek your passions in life & run with them!  If there is something that you would love to study, then go for it!!  If your passion is simply to color in coloring books, then do it more often, if it makes you happy
-And giving to others, even with just your smile, can make others feel good, as well, as yourself!
   

     I have a friend, that I went to high school with.  Although, I do not have any memory of him, from those days, almost 30 years ago, we met up 2 years ago, on Facebook.
     One day, he posted, on Facebook, that his very young son was having hallucinations.  I responded, with my own advice & experiences,  as a survivor of both Schizoaffective Disorder and PTSD, and we have become like family, over the past 2 years.
     Recently, my friend's 10 year old son was hospitalized after attempting to strangle his 9 year old sister.  In the past year, he also tried to strangle his mother, who abused him, and has since, abandoned him.
     This child, has over 10 different psychiatric diagnosis', and has the emotional development of a 2-5 year old child.  He is a very sweet, intelligent child, but when he rages, it takes five adult police officers & EMT's to restrain him.  And he is tiny for his age.
      Last weekend, we drove up through the woods of NH, a total 4 hours drive, for my husband Frank & I, to bring my  friend, to see his child, who was hospitalized up there.
     It was a most difficult expedition, emotionally.  What do you say to a 10 year old child who has tried to kill 2 of his family members?
     His father showed me a letter that the child had written to him.  It was a suicide note, a cry for help.
     I told my little friend, that we all loved him very much  and that he would have to work hard to get better. I told him that people like him and me, had an extra hard struggle in life, because we both had mental illnesses and PTSD, from child abuse.  But I also told him that he could be successful, and mostly, happy, if he worked at it.  I told him that he must start to open up and talk about his feelings, because that was the only way he would start to heal.  I hope that my little friend listened to me, and will put my words to good use.
     When the visit was over, both my friend and his little boy cried.  It was so incredibly heartbreaking.

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