I am starting to feel better today, compared to how I felt in my last blog entry.  Even yesterday, I was not myself.  My husband took me for a drive and we ended up in Harvard Square.  He parked the car and persuaded me to take a walk with him.  I hated getting out of the car.  We walked to Newbury Comics where I got a Crosby, Stills & Nash CD, and we went to Ben & Jerry's for chocolate frappes.  I knew I shouldn't have one because I am Diabetic, but I was looking for anything to make me feel better.  And even though we were in exciting, cultural Harvard Square, I didn't want to be there another second.  I was overwhelmed with the need to return home immediately.  Once home, I hugged my favorite pillow with a death grip.  I felt so lost inside.
     But today, I feel better.  Not 100% better but I was happy at work,  I did some housecleaning and had lunch with one of my closest friends.  I don't know what healed me, but it took days of pampering myself and doing what my inner instincts told me to do.  My wonderful husband took good care of me and prayed for me, and I prayed.  I think that God was listening.  And I am so thankful.

     I have not felt like myself, this past few days.  I feel anxious, nervous, exhausted and physically uncomfortable.  I am completely unenthusiastic about life.  I keep trying to do normal things, like shop, but unfamiliar places make me panic inside.  I tried to bake a cake but felt panicky and paralyzed for fear of making a mistake on the instructions.  Whenever I go anyplace within just a couple of hours, I feel overwhelmed and feel that I must return home immediately. My body aches.  I fear that this is the beginning of something bigger and worse.  But I am praying that this will pass as quickly as it came.

     I think that I have found a couple of keys to happiness.  I believe that you must take good care of your body and your mind, eating right, getting enough sleep etc. I believe that you must truly love yourself.  I believe that you must keep busy doing the things that you love.   And you must have healthy relationships in your life.
      These have all been challenges for me.  I eat one good meal a day, the rest of the time I have to force myself to consume more than just coffee.  I crave sugar and I am Diabetic.  I didn't always sleep well, insomnia and nightmares haunted my nights.   At times, I would party to excess, because I could not bear to feel my own emotions, or my anxiety level was extremely high and it seemed that only alcohol would bring it down.
     I have a hard time loving myself.  I have anger towards myself at times, because I hate being mentally ill, I detest what my own brain does to me.  And there have been people in my life who have belittled me because I was "different", and people who have shunned me when they heard about my Schizoaffective Disorder.  But over time, thanks to the great people in my life, I am discovering that I am a brave, kind, smart, loving, wonderful person.  And I thank God for making me this way despite the rough road that I have been travelling on.
     I have a hard time keeping myself busy, but I am learning new things like cooking, crocheting, painting and writing in my blog.  What do you think so far?  When I am depressed however, I don't do anything interesting, I just don't have the will for it.   But even simple activities like coloring in a coloring book will take your mind away from the pain.
     I had to throw some friends and family members away, like my father.   These relationships were toxic and abusive towards me.  It was extremely hard to do this, but I had no choice.  Learning to form new relationships with people has been hard, because deep down inside I am non-trusting.  I'm afraid that people will hurt me or throw me away when they learn that I am mentally ill.  But over the past year, I have been able to reach out to friendship with new friends and many from the past, thanks to Facebook.  And it has been so wonderful.
     Do you know any other keys to happiness, and would you share them with me?    
   

     As time goes by, I want more and more people to read and share my blog.  I was reluctant at first, because of my fear of backlash, but in less than 2 weeks, I have totally changed my mind.  Maybe by reading my blog, some people will realize that the mentally ill are God's children, too.  They need acceptance, love, and support.  Discrimination and fears need to be thrown out the window.  This is, afterall, year 2012.

     I feel blessed, so blessed today.  And I feel that way, every time I have a good day.  It wasn't very long ago, that my mind was suffering badly.   In the past year, I have been hospitalized twice for depression and psychosis.  Before my last hospitalization, I spent three months in my own private hell.  I was overwhelmed and scared and didn't tell anybody what I felt inside.  You see, I had an overpowering fear that someone was going to break into my house and viciously murder me.  This happened every time I was alone, which was hours a day, five days a week.  It was not rational, I live in a very safe neighborhood where crime is rare.  I couldn't shake it.  I'd watch TV, listen to music, try to distract myself.  But I was fearing for my life.  We tried medication changes, I went for more Electro-convulsive therapy (shock treatments) and was finally hospitalized when I was at my wit's end and wanted to die.  But I knew that if I committed suicide, it would destroy my mother and my husband.  So I sought help, and I am forever thankful to our good Lord that I had enough sanity to do that.  And I am thankful for the people who helped me realize that I could live through this and find some happiness.

     Today is Mother's Day and I have mixed emotions and a bit of sadness.  I wanted to become a mother for many years, but when I was 24, I was in a bad relationship, and was surprised to find myself pregnant.  But I lost the baby due to domestic violence.  He beat me badly one day.  I was saddened and angry for years.  And I never could get pregnant again.
     Now, I think, that in some ways, its a good thing that I didn't have any children.   Motherhood would have been  extremely hard for me while trying to battle my illness.  I may not have been able to take care of my child as excellently as I wanted to.  And most of my father's family is mentally ill, it just keeps being passed down the line.  My chances of having a child with serious mental illness were so high.  And I didn't want my child to suffer like I do.  So, I finally decided not to have a baby, and I believe that it was a wise, selfless decision.

     I am wrestling with the idea of losing the "X" and using my real name, but I am not sure if I am ready for that.  To be honest, I'm afraid to use my own name because there's a lot of evil people out there, who do not accept people with mental illness, and I don't want to be hurt, physically or emotionally.  So I'm sending this out to people I trust and they can send it out to people they trust.  That's the hope anyways.  In time, when I am stronger inside I hope that a lot of people will read it and understand that there is no shame in being mentally ill.  In an ideal world, I would not feel like I had to hide, but even a lot of my Facebook friends do not know what I struggle with.   Also, I think that deep, down, inside I am not fully comfortable with myself yet.  I know that for awhile I harbored a lot of hostility towards my own brain, because it "plays tricks on me".  But I can't trade it in and get a new brain, I can only try to repair the one I have.  And learn to accept it.

     I should probably tell you a little about myself.  I have been described by friends as "sweet", "kind", and "quiet".  I love animals, art, children, and life itself on the good days.  I have been married to Frank for 18 years and he is the most supportive person I have  ever met.  Our marriage has had some rocky points, but it gets better every day.  It was rocky because I was such a lost soul, for years, I was not on the right medicine and for years I didn't know how to battle my illness.  As my mind gets better, so does my marriage.  But one thing I know, my husband loves, loves, loves me, regardless of my illness.  I thought I would never have that.  We tried to have children when we were younger, but when I turned 40, I decided that I would stop trying.  I think that God knew that children would have been too big of a challenge for me.  So we have 2 house cats to love and spoil.

 I was raised primarily by my mother, my parents divorced when I was a toddler, Thank God.  My father is a sick, evil man who committed crimes of horrific nature against me and my mother.  He has other children but when I exposed him for sexually abusing me, I was no longer allowed contact with them.  It broke my heart.  And the police said that too much time had gone by for me to press charges because of the FUCKING statute of limitations.  And it was my word against his, they said.  Sometimes there really is no justice, at least not here on Earth.

 I attended vocational school for high school and attended Boston University for a year but dropped out because I was overwhelmed, going to school full-time, working full-time and battling depression.  I've since taken college courses at Harvard University Extension School and have done very well, but going back to school full-time just isn't going to happen, it's too much stress for me.  I have had a variety of interesting jobs, working with animals, working in colleges, working in the Biotechnology field, but for now I have a low-stress  job in a supermarket, part-time, and I LOVE it.  I also do volunteer work at my church regularly.  But I was told by my Doctor, not to work full-time anymore, when I was 36.  Believe it or not, having to retire at that age sucks.  I love to work.  And I cannot drive a car....I hit things.

Today, I looked up Schizoaffective Disorder, on Google, and when I read about it, I cried.  It seems that it includes Schizophrenia type symptoms, like hallucinations, delusions, disorganized thoughts, etc., and mood disorder symptoms like depression and mania.  It feels like a prison of sorts.  It feels like a kind of Hell at times.  But I can say, that I appreciate the "normal" days.  They feel like Heaven.

     My name is Christine and I am almost 45 years old.  This is my very first blog.  I am writing because I feel like I am living in a closet.  But I am not gay, I am mentally ill, I have Schizoaffective Disorder.  I also have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder).  Not many people know this about me.  I have been fearful of "coming out", because, frankly, the human population has not always been kind to people with mental illness.   But isn't it time that we come to accept all of our bothers & sisters, regardless of their differences?