Have you ever felt discriminated against, by a family member, or worse, several family members?
Yeah.....I don't know what to say, really. I just want a family that truly loves me.
All I know, is that my wonderful husband practically begged these people to visit me, while I was in a Psychiatric Unit of a hospital, about 2 months ago. I was being treated for Deepression.
They told my husband, that they would not be visiting me, because, "they felt uncomfortable, around, those people".
I felt like I was going to throw up, when I heard that. I am, afterall, one of "those people". I am at times deeply depressed, paranoid, of people killing me, hallucinating, usually hearing my name being called, over and over , panicking, and feeling overwhelmed in certain situations or places, and having flashbacks, of things that I have seen or experienced. I am very loving, they say. But mostly, I feel scared.
These relatives, came to our apartment, about 2 weeks, after, I got home, from the hospital. They brought me a plant, saying, that "it would give me something to do". WTF, does that mean?
I finally sent them a messege, telling them, how I felt rejected, that they would not see me while I was in the hospital. They did not respond.
Thanksgiving is coming very soon. We may end up bumping into them.
My Mother told me, that, even though, I am ill, I do not look sick. It truly surprises people when they learn that I have Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.
I have lost a lot of potential friends. People who were ignorant about mental illness.
I swear, some seem to expect me to pull out a semi-automatic rifle, at any moment.
Please people, see my gentle side. I am a person, just like you.
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
Monday, November 9, 2015
#135......Hanging In There
I am feeling so lost, lately. I had been hopspitalized 5 or 6 weeks, ago, on a Psychiatric Unit., in an excellent hospital. I chose Electro-Convulsive Therapy, because it had made a positive results.in tthe past.
After a month or so, I became terrified, and could not make myself go back.
Beth Isreal Deacnoess Medical Center, did an excellent job treating me with Electro-Convulsive Therapy.. A former hospital where Electro-Convulsive Therapy was performed on me, they didn't apply enough General Anesthesia, and I believe it lead to my phobia of ECT.
I shall try to have deep faith.
.
After a month or so, I became terrified, and could not make myself go back.
Beth Isreal Deacnoess Medical Center, did an excellent job treating me with Electro-Convulsive Therapy.. A former hospital where Electro-Convulsive Therapy was performed on me, they didn't apply enough General Anesthesia, and I believe it lead to my phobia of ECT.
I shall try to have deep faith.
.
#134........Lord Please, Give Me A Rest?
I had been feeling good for a couple of weeks. I was so happy and amazed. My mother, said that I sounded happy and "chipper". I had thought that I was moving forward again, in life.
But within a few days, I felt as if a bomb had dropped upon me. It occured, about 3 AM, last Friday morning.
I was shaking, frightened, full of fear, crying. I couln'r go to work, that mornig. Instead, I spoke to a Psychologist who gave me 5 tranquilizers,
I talked to my own Psychiatrist, today. She made some medication changes., which I hope will help.
Somewhere, somehow, I was triggered....something struck a nerve. Something made me feel terrified.
Oh my Lord, why can't you give me a rest? I just want to be a normal woman.
But within a few days, I felt as if a bomb had dropped upon me. It occured, about 3 AM, last Friday morning.
I was shaking, frightened, full of fear, crying. I couln'r go to work, that mornig. Instead, I spoke to a Psychologist who gave me 5 tranquilizers,
I talked to my own Psychiatrist, today. She made some medication changes., which I hope will help.
Somewhere, somehow, I was triggered....something struck a nerve. Something made me feel terrified.
Oh my Lord, why can't you give me a rest? I just want to be a normal woman.
Monday, November 2, 2015
#133 Feeling Triggered
There are times, when I feel down, depressed, overwhelmed and I have absolutely nothing that I can do, or want to do. On these days, I watch a fair amount of television, often talk shows,
Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart. Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing. I couldn't watch the full episodes of either of these shows.
I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb. One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father. Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately. Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father. But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath. My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me. As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
Instead, I am often just upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable. But ALL OF THEM?! It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day. But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).
Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart. Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing. I couldn't watch the full episodes of either of these shows.
I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb. One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father. Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately. Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father. But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath. My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me. As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
Instead, I am often just upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable. But ALL OF THEM?! It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day. But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).
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