I am feeling well, and empowered again.   This is truly a Christmas gift, something spiritual and divine.  God hears my prayers, these days.  It's true, I fell into despair before Christmas, deep despair.  But it's also true, that I had the strength to climb out of it.  For this, I am grateful.  I don't know how I did it, but it happened.
     Usually, Christmas is hard on me.  I get overwhelmed by the crowds, the stimulation, the financial burden, the memories, the flashbacks.  But we simplified it, this year, by doing less shopping trips, and less visiting. My husband and I went to Maine, a rural, God's Country type of state, to visit my mother.  I am, her only child, so it was just the three of us and her 2 big dogs.  And it was so peaceful, relaxing and wonderful.
    I am trying hard to make new memories in my life...Good memories.  I believe that this will be helpful to flush out the bad memories, from the past.  And I am learning to take control and manage my own life, which has helped significantly.  And I pray....

     Today, I am feeling quite a bit better than I had felt for the previous 3 days.  I still do not feel 100% like myself, but I could cope today, with life.
     Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, I fell apart, I couldn't think clearly, I had nightmares each night, I cried most of those days.  I stayed in my house, in my nightgown, huddling with my pillow.  It hit me like a ton of bricks, one day I was happy, the next day, I was shell-shocked and devastated.  And I knew that it was all because of the time of year.
     I am reminded of the year, when, I was 9 years old. It was Christmas, and an old ex-boyfriend, of my mother, and his brother, got drunk and fought until the brother broke a ketchup bottle over my mother's ex's head.  It was bloody and all the children were screaming.  I can't wipe out this memory, no matter how I try.
      And I am reminded that my awful father never seemed to want to spend the holidays with me, but he would spent them with his other kids.  I try not to think about him too, but the memories invade me.
      I saw my therapist yesterday afternoon, and we talked quite a bit, and I think that it really helped me a lot.  I think that I now have strength, to make it through this Christmas.

     It is, indeed, the Holiday Season.  And is it hitting me hard.  I feel completely anxious, depressed, overwhelmed, as I seem to feel every year, at Christmas time.
     Yesterday morning, I woke up extremely anxious.  I became angry with my husband because he didn't have much time to spend with me yesterday morning.  I was caving inside and I felt that I needed his calming presence, but he was busy getting ready for work.  I took some medication, to calm me down and went to work.  The medication hit me hard, I felt drugged and off-balance, I could not concentrate.  After an hour at work, I went home.  I was extremely depressed all day.
      Even though today is my day off, I told my boss that I would come in if I felt better.  But when I woke up this morning, I felt worse than I felt yesterday. So, I did not go to work.  I have been crying excessively, all day so far.  I became angry with my husband because I felt that he should have stayed home with me today, because I am such an emotional mess.  Fortunately, he is coming home early today.
      I'm feeling really scared.  I want to go back to work, and a peaceful life.  This is supposed to be a happy time of year, but all it does to me is cause me anguish.  I am seeing my therapist tomorrow, I'm hoping that it will help.

     I have been saddened by another massacre, committed, in an elementary school, in Connecticut.  The shooter was supposedly mentally ill.  This sickens me, because innocent children died, unmercifully.  And it sickens me, that because of this killer, the mentally ill population are given a bad reputation, therefore, increasing the stigma against the mentally ill.  I want to say horrible, vulgar things about the killer, because, I am so disgusted by him, but he does not deserve the attention, even dead.
     I believe that most mentally ill people can be treated with medication and psychotherapy.  But, I also know that many mentally ill people have slipped through the cracks and their conditions go untreated because 'We don't have the resources".  Well, I'd like to say to the Government: "FIND THE RESOURCES".

     My life was going beautifully, happily, well, and I was so thankful, so grateful for it.
      But this morning, I fell apart, crying for hours, for no obvious reason.  I guess that this must be the curse of Depression attacking me again.  It could also be the time of year, which usually distresses me.
      Part of me knows that I should be happy, that we are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, but the other part of me reminds me of the chaos, the financial burden, the trauma of childhood.
      I had to take a tranquilizer this morning, to calm me down and stop my tears, so that I could go to work.  I managed to get some work done, but I did not enjoy it, like I usually do, when I am happy.
      But it was good for me to go to work, and even though my heart feels heavy, I am not crying anymore.  I shared messages with wonderful, supportive friends on Facebook, and their love and support, lifted my spirits.  And tomorrow is another day.

     I went to church this morning.  It was a small victory.  I have only gone to church a handful of times, in over a year, for complicated reasons.  The reason that I had originally stopped going was because I became psychotic.  One day, sitting in my living room, I "felt the presence of Satan".  And I felt that if Satan could turn up with me, in my living room, then there must have been a good reason for it, and I did not belong in church, and I should not bring the Devil to church services, with me.  Yes, I know how troubling and insane that sounds.  Sadly, it was my reality, at the time.
    Thank God, over time, I got better, and no longer believed this delusion, but my soul was still unsettled, I didn't feel like I belonged at church, I didn't feel that I belonged anywhere, actually.  It was easy to make excuses not to go to church.  But yesterday, I felt that wonderful desire to go to church, so I went this morning.  And it touched my soul.
      When it came time for prayer requests, I had one in mind.  I wanted to raise my hand and say to the Pastor:  "I have a prayer of thanksgiving.  I want to thank God for giving me  peace of mind and happiness. This journey has been so difficult, but I know that I didn't travel it alone."  But I was too shy to voice this aloud, so I prayed silently, and couldn't stop the tears of joy.  I am so thankful, Lord.  Please don't let it slip away.
         

    It is now December, and winter is setting in both emotionally and environmentally.  It is so cold,  dark and cloudy here in New England, and I'm starting to feel it, deep within my soul.  The winter usually brings me the blues.  This year, so far, its been an easier journey than usual.  I just hope that it remains this way.
     The holidays also affect me emotionally.  Thanksgiving was difficult this year.  I went to my husband's family's house, and even though I have done it at least,15 previous times,  I still felt very uncomfortable.  I felt that I didn't belong there.  They are nice to me, but I don't feel like I fit in.
I don't know if it's me or them, but I feel like an outsider.  Of course, it doesn't help that I don't do well, in large groups of people.  I feel overwhelmed, if I'm with more that 6 or 7 people, at a time.  We spent 3 hours there, and I felt an overwhelming urge, to return very quickly to our little home.
      This year we, are going to Maine, for Christmas to be with my Mom.  It will be just my Mom, my husband, and me.  And I am so relieved.  No crowds, no chaos.  I am so happy about it.
       The past few days, I have been very irritable.  I have lost my temper and stormed off to bed twice.  I think that I am just overwhelmed at this time of year, and hopefully, it will pass.  I am also falling asleep around 7 PM almost every night because the sun goes down so early now.  I used to sleep most of our winter's away, but I don't want to do that this year.  But I can't complain much, so far, Thank God.