The frequency of my blog, has slowed down, over time. I desire to write positive things, but I am suffering, deep within my soul, from negative things.
It started several months ago. A close friend of mine had been seriously assaulted, her head bashed onto the ground, by her boyfriend about 2 years ago. Then, recently, her boyfriend seriously, assaulted her teenage son, attempting to strangle him to death.
I felt frightened by his violence, so I told my friend, that I could no longer associate with her boyfriend. After a month, or 2, I decided to give this guy a chance, a voice, trying to get his opinion on this situation. His response? He blames it on his Bipolar Disorder, saying: "It could happen again".
Oh dear Lord, it totally triggered my Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It started with Migraine Headaches, rashes all over my body, endless nightmares, visual hallucinations, insomnia, stomach upsets, deep depression, severe anxiety.
My friend, didn't want to associate with me, when I told her that I couldn't be near her boyfriend. She equated my mental illness, with his mental illness, even though we are nothing alike. She felt that I should emphasize with him. Yet, I do not try to kill or assault those around me, like he does.
If this boyfriend cannot control his violence, then I believe that he should not be loose in society,
I have missed my friend, so much. I felt so rejected, as well. I want her, to get away from this asshole, before he kills her, or her son.
. Please Lord, hear my prayers.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
Tuesday, July 18, 2017
#154.....A Brain MRI
A lot has been happening to me, physically, emotionally and mentally. I have been vomiting just about every day. But what is most concerning, has been sleep disturbances. I see strange creatures crawling the walls, while awakening. I have hallucinated also strange boys in my bedroom. I swore that mice were sleeping with me. When I turn the light on, nothing and nobody is there, except for my husband.. I have also found myself awakening downstairs on the living room sofa, after sleepwalking from the bed to the sofa. I have horrifying nightmares, as well. To be safe, I went for an MRI today.
I have gone for Brain MRI's before, but this one hit me hard. I cried all of this morning before, the procedure. I am being attacked by Depression, badly. I took 2 tranquilizers spaced apart, but still panicked and cried when they put a mask on my face., before the MRI. I am claustrophobic. They told me to keep my eyes shut, so I did.
I survived my MRI, but for some reason, I just don't have a positive feeling about this. The Doctors tell me that, there is probably nothing wrong with my brain. It is entirely possible, that this is trauma related. As you may know, my father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive towards me. For this reason, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. For this reason, I will probably always have trauma issues.
I have discovered, over the years, that mental or traumatic stress can produce some really, fucking strange, scary symptoms.
I have gone for Brain MRI's before, but this one hit me hard. I cried all of this morning before, the procedure. I am being attacked by Depression, badly. I took 2 tranquilizers spaced apart, but still panicked and cried when they put a mask on my face., before the MRI. I am claustrophobic. They told me to keep my eyes shut, so I did.
I survived my MRI, but for some reason, I just don't have a positive feeling about this. The Doctors tell me that, there is probably nothing wrong with my brain. It is entirely possible, that this is trauma related. As you may know, my father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive towards me. For this reason, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. For this reason, I will probably always have trauma issues.
I have discovered, over the years, that mental or traumatic stress can produce some really, fucking strange, scary symptoms.
Saturday, June 24, 2017
#153....Lord, I Am Calling You Again
Oh my Lord, I am calling to you again.
My husband knew of a friend, a friend of his sister, named D...She had been married for 20 years to an asshole.
After her divorce,
She got involved with a guy that, I will only call MF.
At about 11:30 PM one night, we got a telephone call. We picked up our friend D., at a nearby hospital because MF had attempted to smash her head onto the concrete. I told her..."If you take him back D., he will do it again. Bloody head, and all, D., bailed him out of jail the next morning, and took him home with her.
My husband is a big person, and he told D., "If he touches you again, D., he will have to face me".
We gave MF another shot, hoping he learned his lesson.
One evening recently, D.'s teenage son made a wise-ass comment according to D. Her boyfriend, was "off his meds, and was mentally ill," and tried to strangle her very own son.
D. asked my husband if MF could stay with us a few nights while she found a new home for him.
My husband told D. and MF, that, I would never understand and accept the situation.
Yeah, the shit hit the fan.
I was traumatized with this situation with MF.
D., pretty much wrote me off.
Finally, within my heart, we invited D., and MF, over for a BBQ.
When D. and MF arrived, I basically said to MF, that we were all basically family, and I told , MF that, family doesn't hurt or hit each other. I also said that we all learned in nursery school , that you don't hurt your friends.
That monster's response was "Oh I know. It could happen again'."
Sorry, but I have experienced enough Domestic violence, n my life. I can't save you D.
My husband knew of a friend, a friend of his sister, named D...She had been married for 20 years to an asshole.
After her divorce,
She got involved with a guy that, I will only call MF.
At about 11:30 PM one night, we got a telephone call. We picked up our friend D., at a nearby hospital because MF had attempted to smash her head onto the concrete. I told her..."If you take him back D., he will do it again. Bloody head, and all, D., bailed him out of jail the next morning, and took him home with her.
My husband is a big person, and he told D., "If he touches you again, D., he will have to face me".
We gave MF another shot, hoping he learned his lesson.
One evening recently, D.'s teenage son made a wise-ass comment according to D. Her boyfriend, was "off his meds, and was mentally ill," and tried to strangle her very own son.
D. asked my husband if MF could stay with us a few nights while she found a new home for him.
My husband told D. and MF, that, I would never understand and accept the situation.
Yeah, the shit hit the fan.
I was traumatized with this situation with MF.
D., pretty much wrote me off.
Finally, within my heart, we invited D., and MF, over for a BBQ.
When D. and MF arrived, I basically said to MF, that we were all basically family, and I told , MF that, family doesn't hurt or hit each other. I also said that we all learned in nursery school , that you don't hurt your friends.
That monster's response was "Oh I know. It could happen again'."
Sorry, but I have experienced enough Domestic violence, n my life. I can't save you D.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
#152......Oh My Lord
I have been suffering, within. My husband, and I, came home from, Jamaica, about a month ago.
It was a magnificent vacation. But for some reason, I ache within. I want to go back.
The water, and the beach, at our resort, was so beautiful. Crystal blue, bathtub warm.
Oh my sweet Lord, thank you so much, for granting us such beauty. Thank you, my Lord,
for such a wonderful husband, and such wonderful experiences at Couples Swept Away Resort.
It was a magnificent vacation. But for some reason, I ache within. I want to go back.
The water, and the beach, at our resort, was so beautiful. Crystal blue, bathtub warm.
Oh my sweet Lord, thank you so much, for granting us such beauty. Thank you, my Lord,
for such a wonderful husband, and such wonderful experiences at Couples Swept Away Resort.
Monday, May 22, 2017
#151.......The Joy of Jamaica
My husband and I, recently took a vacation, to a resort in Jamaica. It was something that we have never done before. We have taken a few mini trips, like business trips. They were not true vacations.
Before our vacation to Jamaica, I was headed for a "crash & burn", a real breakdown.
I have had trouble sleeping, often getting up in the middle of the night, to go downstairs to watch television and think. Sometimes, I would wake up, very confused, saying to my husband, Frankie, "Who are you?".
I had trouble eating, my upper GI issues, were acting up. Basically, my stomach was burning, and food was coming up and out of my nose, during my sleep, waking me up.
I had been vomiting frequently, In fact, 4 nights before our flight to Jamaica, I was very sick, and we discussed, cancelling our vacation. I also missed work, on 1 day.
As we were going through security at the airport, I ran for a trash barrel, and could not stop vomiting. On the plane, I got sick several times, also.
But once we finally arrived in Jamaica, I stopped shaking, I stopped vomiting, I had a totally different demeaner. In fact, we went to an amazing buffet, at one of the resorts amazing restaurants, and my belly felt so much better. I felt so relaxed.
Our vacation, with the wonderful resort, and the beautiful ocean, cleansed me. We want to go there again, only, stay longer. We have friends who recommended this resort to us.
Before, this vacation, I spent a lot of time, thinking about my horrible father, and his fucked up family, who accept his sexual abuse. I ached inside, I miss them so badly, believe it, or not.
But in Jamaica, these thoughts were gone. I didn't want to leave Jamaica. It was quite painful.
I am home now, and still feel a bit of sunshine in my soul.
I just want to say thank you, to everyone, who made it possible to go to Jamaica, and
Couples Swept Away Resort.
Before our vacation to Jamaica, I was headed for a "crash & burn", a real breakdown.
I have had trouble sleeping, often getting up in the middle of the night, to go downstairs to watch television and think. Sometimes, I would wake up, very confused, saying to my husband, Frankie, "Who are you?".
I had trouble eating, my upper GI issues, were acting up. Basically, my stomach was burning, and food was coming up and out of my nose, during my sleep, waking me up.
I had been vomiting frequently, In fact, 4 nights before our flight to Jamaica, I was very sick, and we discussed, cancelling our vacation. I also missed work, on 1 day.
As we were going through security at the airport, I ran for a trash barrel, and could not stop vomiting. On the plane, I got sick several times, also.
But once we finally arrived in Jamaica, I stopped shaking, I stopped vomiting, I had a totally different demeaner. In fact, we went to an amazing buffet, at one of the resorts amazing restaurants, and my belly felt so much better. I felt so relaxed.
Our vacation, with the wonderful resort, and the beautiful ocean, cleansed me. We want to go there again, only, stay longer. We have friends who recommended this resort to us.
Before, this vacation, I spent a lot of time, thinking about my horrible father, and his fucked up family, who accept his sexual abuse. I ached inside, I miss them so badly, believe it, or not.
But in Jamaica, these thoughts were gone. I didn't want to leave Jamaica. It was quite painful.
I am home now, and still feel a bit of sunshine in my soul.
I just want to say thank you, to everyone, who made it possible to go to Jamaica, and
Couples Swept Away Resort.
Monday, March 13, 2017
#150......Now what?
The holidays have passed. Thanksgiving day, Christmas Day, and New Year's Day, went relatively smoothly. I felt numb and scared, getting through it though.
Every year, in the holiday season, I feel irritable, angry, frightened. I have thoughts of my brother and sister, who were torn away from me, when I outed my father, for being a child molester.
It has been 30.....yes, 30 years since I have had a relationship with my brother and sister.
It is killing me slowly, that I may never see them again.
They may fall under my father's disgusting persuasion, maybe out of fear.
My sister, was told by my father, that if she continued to talk to me, she would never see her mother alive again.
No shocker, my father put a shotgun to my mother's head and threatened to blow her brains out. My mother saved all of her money from a waitressing job, and got on a plane, with me, from South Carolina, back to her home in New England.
Mama left my father, but the court said that I had to see my father. Mama had no idea, what I was going through, being emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused She didn't realize how traumatized I was.
I was painfully shy, always anxious, nervous, having very few friends. I felt like a lost soul, an outsider. My father gave me shit, saying that I was always trying to be different. Daddy, with your abuse, you made me different, you made me suffer,
Written in January, 2017
Every year, in the holiday season, I feel irritable, angry, frightened. I have thoughts of my brother and sister, who were torn away from me, when I outed my father, for being a child molester.
It has been 30.....yes, 30 years since I have had a relationship with my brother and sister.
It is killing me slowly, that I may never see them again.
They may fall under my father's disgusting persuasion, maybe out of fear.
My sister, was told by my father, that if she continued to talk to me, she would never see her mother alive again.
No shocker, my father put a shotgun to my mother's head and threatened to blow her brains out. My mother saved all of her money from a waitressing job, and got on a plane, with me, from South Carolina, back to her home in New England.
Mama left my father, but the court said that I had to see my father. Mama had no idea, what I was going through, being emotionally, mentally, physically and sexually abused She didn't realize how traumatized I was.
I was painfully shy, always anxious, nervous, having very few friends. I felt like a lost soul, an outsider. My father gave me shit, saying that I was always trying to be different. Daddy, with your abuse, you made me different, you made me suffer,
Written in January, 2017
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