I am feeling rather lost. About a week before Christmas, I began feeling so numb. I did not make a list, to send out Christmas cards, I did not make a list of people that I wanted to send gifts to.
I did help my husband with Christmas shopping for our nephew and nieces. Other than that, I bought several boxes of Christmas chocolates, and a shit-load of Yankee candles. I ordered, over the internet, clothes for my husband and my mother. My normal spirit of creative giving, wasn't really there.
I am falling into a Depression. As you probably know already, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder, which causes, in me, Depression, and often Psychosis, where I hear strange music, and my name being called frequently.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was caused. by all types of child abuse, by my sociopathic father. This causes, in me, deep fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
And I have Panic Disorder, which gives me severe anxiety, and panic attacks.
Every year, around the holiday season, I just fall apart. I often feel numb and paralyzed, neglecting things that I need to do.
I pray to God often, to take this internal Hell away, to hear my quiet, spiritual, soul screams.
I often, don't know how, I am going to get through life, like this.
I try to write, but I have not been as prolific as I would like to be. It helps to empty, some of the fears from my soul, whenever, I write in this blog.
I hope that some people, out there, would be able to relate to me, and find peace in knowing that they are not all alone in this big, blue world.
Please, Lord, hold me in Your loving arms, and take away, my fears. Amen.
Friday, December 30, 2016
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
#148.....Grief
It is now winter here, in New England, USA. This time of year, begs me to go to bed, by darkness. Maybe to escape, my own personal reality.
As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord. A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul. I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be. I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness. This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month. Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing. The tears are streaming, flowing easily. I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma. It all scares me. I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche. The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis. And I will, forever ache and pine for my father's children from his second wife. My brother and sister.
When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings. It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.
As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord. A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul. I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be. I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness. This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month. Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing. The tears are streaming, flowing easily. I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma. It all scares me. I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche. The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis. And I will, forever ache and pine for my father's children from his second wife. My brother and sister.
When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings. It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.
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