I may have mentioned, at some point, in this blog, that I have a younger sister and a younger brother. Technically, they are my half-siblings, by my father's later, second marriage. They meant so much to me.
My father emotionally, physically, verbally, and sexually abused me. When I told my younger sister, that our father had molested me, I was banished from the family. My father turned my brother and sister against me. My father threatened to sue me for "slander".
I was 18 years old, at the time. They were adolescents. You can't tell me that he didn't abuse his other children, too. He's one sick bastard.
I tried to speak to my brother, years later, He called me a "liar", and said that my story was "bullshit".
My sister tried to contact me, when she became a young adult. But our father told her that if she didn't cut off all contact with me, that she would never see her mother alive again.
Every time I lost my brother and sister, I felt as if death had occurred. I mourned so deeply for years and years.
My therapist suggested that I try to contact my younger sister, by sending her a letter. In truth, I'm not sure that I can. What if she rejects me again? I know that my younger brother is a lot like my father....stubborn, verbally abusive, racist, chauvenistic, etc., etc., etc. I will not be contacting him, sadly.
Does anybody out there, have any ideas for me, about contacting my "little sister"?
Tuesday, December 29, 2015
Thursday, December 3, 2015
#137.....Surviving Illness
I have been, incredibly irritable for the last two weeks. Every time my wonderful husband tries to talk to me, I want to scream : "Shut The Fuck Up! Leave Me The Hell Alone!!". Even his asking me if I want a cup of coffee, in the morning,, is causing me to feel hostile.
As time goes on, I realize, that I have a nasty cold virus. I am battling it, as best that I can, but still, I feel miserably ill. My sinuses are leaking like crazy. My chest is uncomfortable. I could use some cough syrup, with codeine in it.
It seems that every time I become physically ill, I become mentally ill. Usually, I feel deep depression, and horrible anxiety, when I am physically ill.
It makes sense. My body, can only handle so much, before it breaks down. But still I feel frustated, aggravated, basically, a mess.
It is hard to explain this, to my friends. For most of my friends, Nyquil, will save them from their colds. For me...I worry about my life. Like, can I survive this?
As time goes on, I realize, that I have a nasty cold virus. I am battling it, as best that I can, but still, I feel miserably ill. My sinuses are leaking like crazy. My chest is uncomfortable. I could use some cough syrup, with codeine in it.
It seems that every time I become physically ill, I become mentally ill. Usually, I feel deep depression, and horrible anxiety, when I am physically ill.
It makes sense. My body, can only handle so much, before it breaks down. But still I feel frustated, aggravated, basically, a mess.
It is hard to explain this, to my friends. For most of my friends, Nyquil, will save them from their colds. For me...I worry about my life. Like, can I survive this?
Tuesday, November 17, 2015
#136....."Those People"
Have you ever felt discriminated against, by a family member, or worse, several family members?
Yeah.....I don't know what to say, really. I just want a family that truly loves me.
All I know, is that my wonderful husband practically begged these people to visit me, while I was in a Psychiatric Unit of a hospital, about 2 months ago. I was being treated for Deepression.
They told my husband, that they would not be visiting me, because, "they felt uncomfortable, around, those people".
I felt like I was going to throw up, when I heard that. I am, afterall, one of "those people". I am at times deeply depressed, paranoid, of people killing me, hallucinating, usually hearing my name being called, over and over , panicking, and feeling overwhelmed in certain situations or places, and having flashbacks, of things that I have seen or experienced. I am very loving, they say. But mostly, I feel scared.
These relatives, came to our apartment, about 2 weeks, after, I got home, from the hospital. They brought me a plant, saying, that "it would give me something to do". WTF, does that mean?
I finally sent them a messege, telling them, how I felt rejected, that they would not see me while I was in the hospital. They did not respond.
Thanksgiving is coming very soon. We may end up bumping into them.
My Mother told me, that, even though, I am ill, I do not look sick. It truly surprises people when they learn that I have Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.
I have lost a lot of potential friends. People who were ignorant about mental illness.
I swear, some seem to expect me to pull out a semi-automatic rifle, at any moment.
Please people, see my gentle side. I am a person, just like you.
Yeah.....I don't know what to say, really. I just want a family that truly loves me.
All I know, is that my wonderful husband practically begged these people to visit me, while I was in a Psychiatric Unit of a hospital, about 2 months ago. I was being treated for Deepression.
They told my husband, that they would not be visiting me, because, "they felt uncomfortable, around, those people".
I felt like I was going to throw up, when I heard that. I am, afterall, one of "those people". I am at times deeply depressed, paranoid, of people killing me, hallucinating, usually hearing my name being called, over and over , panicking, and feeling overwhelmed in certain situations or places, and having flashbacks, of things that I have seen or experienced. I am very loving, they say. But mostly, I feel scared.
These relatives, came to our apartment, about 2 weeks, after, I got home, from the hospital. They brought me a plant, saying, that "it would give me something to do". WTF, does that mean?
I finally sent them a messege, telling them, how I felt rejected, that they would not see me while I was in the hospital. They did not respond.
Thanksgiving is coming very soon. We may end up bumping into them.
My Mother told me, that, even though, I am ill, I do not look sick. It truly surprises people when they learn that I have Panic Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.
I have lost a lot of potential friends. People who were ignorant about mental illness.
I swear, some seem to expect me to pull out a semi-automatic rifle, at any moment.
Please people, see my gentle side. I am a person, just like you.
Monday, November 9, 2015
#135......Hanging In There
I am feeling so lost, lately. I had been hopspitalized 5 or 6 weeks, ago, on a Psychiatric Unit., in an excellent hospital. I chose Electro-Convulsive Therapy, because it had made a positive results.in tthe past.
After a month or so, I became terrified, and could not make myself go back.
Beth Isreal Deacnoess Medical Center, did an excellent job treating me with Electro-Convulsive Therapy.. A former hospital where Electro-Convulsive Therapy was performed on me, they didn't apply enough General Anesthesia, and I believe it lead to my phobia of ECT.
I shall try to have deep faith.
.
After a month or so, I became terrified, and could not make myself go back.
Beth Isreal Deacnoess Medical Center, did an excellent job treating me with Electro-Convulsive Therapy.. A former hospital where Electro-Convulsive Therapy was performed on me, they didn't apply enough General Anesthesia, and I believe it lead to my phobia of ECT.
I shall try to have deep faith.
.
#134........Lord Please, Give Me A Rest?
I had been feeling good for a couple of weeks. I was so happy and amazed. My mother, said that I sounded happy and "chipper". I had thought that I was moving forward again, in life.
But within a few days, I felt as if a bomb had dropped upon me. It occured, about 3 AM, last Friday morning.
I was shaking, frightened, full of fear, crying. I couln'r go to work, that mornig. Instead, I spoke to a Psychologist who gave me 5 tranquilizers,
I talked to my own Psychiatrist, today. She made some medication changes., which I hope will help.
Somewhere, somehow, I was triggered....something struck a nerve. Something made me feel terrified.
Oh my Lord, why can't you give me a rest? I just want to be a normal woman.
But within a few days, I felt as if a bomb had dropped upon me. It occured, about 3 AM, last Friday morning.
I was shaking, frightened, full of fear, crying. I couln'r go to work, that mornig. Instead, I spoke to a Psychologist who gave me 5 tranquilizers,
I talked to my own Psychiatrist, today. She made some medication changes., which I hope will help.
Somewhere, somehow, I was triggered....something struck a nerve. Something made me feel terrified.
Oh my Lord, why can't you give me a rest? I just want to be a normal woman.
Monday, November 2, 2015
#133 Feeling Triggered
There are times, when I feel down, depressed, overwhelmed and I have absolutely nothing that I can do, or want to do. On these days, I watch a fair amount of television, often talk shows,
Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart. Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing. I couldn't watch the full episodes of either of these shows.
I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb. One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father. Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately. Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father. But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath. My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me. As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
Instead, I am often just upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable. But ALL OF THEM?! It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day. But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).
Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart. Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing. I couldn't watch the full episodes of either of these shows.
I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb. One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father. Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately. Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father. But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath. My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me. As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
Instead, I am often just upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable. But ALL OF THEM?! It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day. But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).
Sunday, October 25, 2015
#132.....Ending ECT
I went into a hospital's Psychiatric Unit, at the end of September. I stayed in-patient for 8 days.
During this time, I went for several Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatments. In the past more primitive, less empathetic years, it was called "Shock Treatments" After I left the hospital, I went for a few more ECT treatments.
My experience with ECT leaves me confused, about how I think and feel about it. I believe that it has helped me, but I panicked in the end and quit. I am terrified of general anesthesia, and general anesthesia is a necessity with ECT. I have had serious problems with anesthesia, at another hospital during ECT, in the past. Consequently, I feared waking up during the treatment, or worse, dying from the treatment. My fears weren't totally rational. On the day of my 8th treatment, I broke down, and told the Medical Assistant, that I was sorry, but I was cancelling my appointment, because I was too scared.
ECT, can cause a loss of memory, also, and I lost a great amount. It's a disturbing feeling. You feel helpless, not being able to remember things. I had to be re-trained to do my office assistant job, which felt humiliating. Not everyone who gets ECT, has a memory loss problems. Everyone's experience is different. I would neither recommend nor disapprove of ECT, if you asked me my opinion.
I am going through medication changes, and I think that it has also helped me. My attitude, is getting better everyday. I'm starting to enjoy myself again. And I am thankful for all of the prayers that I have recieved.
During this time, I went for several Electro-Convulsive Therapy treatments. In the past more primitive, less empathetic years, it was called "Shock Treatments" After I left the hospital, I went for a few more ECT treatments.
My experience with ECT leaves me confused, about how I think and feel about it. I believe that it has helped me, but I panicked in the end and quit. I am terrified of general anesthesia, and general anesthesia is a necessity with ECT. I have had serious problems with anesthesia, at another hospital during ECT, in the past. Consequently, I feared waking up during the treatment, or worse, dying from the treatment. My fears weren't totally rational. On the day of my 8th treatment, I broke down, and told the Medical Assistant, that I was sorry, but I was cancelling my appointment, because I was too scared.
ECT, can cause a loss of memory, also, and I lost a great amount. It's a disturbing feeling. You feel helpless, not being able to remember things. I had to be re-trained to do my office assistant job, which felt humiliating. Not everyone who gets ECT, has a memory loss problems. Everyone's experience is different. I would neither recommend nor disapprove of ECT, if you asked me my opinion.
I am going through medication changes, and I think that it has also helped me. My attitude, is getting better everyday. I'm starting to enjoy myself again. And I am thankful for all of the prayers that I have recieved.
Sunday, September 6, 2015
#131......ECT Again
Have I ever mentioned before, that I have a Facebook Page, also called "My Uncomfortable Mind"? Feel free to check it out. Sometimes I post articles, and also updates, about myself.
I recently posted some information on my Facebook Page, that I had not mentioned in this blog.
I, recently, have been making plans to recieve Electro-Convulsive Therapy (formally referred to as "Shock Treatments"). I can't kick, this Depression, this anxiety, this paranoia.
I had this procedure done, many times, about 4 years ago,. However, I had a few bad experiences, at a nearby hospital. As a result, I gave up on ECT, then.
I remember, me, being pretty much out of consciousness, with a female nurse, shouting at me, when the procedure ended: "Christine! Breathe! Christine!!! Breathe!!!. The nurse later asked me, if I had Asthma. I replied: "Yes".
I also had 2 bad experiences, where, not enough anesthaesia was used. I remember, laying on the gurney, as they administered my Intro-Venous medicine. I shut my eyes, I tried to moves, and I was paralyzed, I tried to open my eyes and couldn't. I tried to breathe, and I couldn't. I tried to scream, then I finally passed out. This was the result of not enough anestaesia being used.
This time, I will be having ECT, in a World-Renowned hospital, in Boston. I like the Psychiatrist, who will be treating me. I feel more confident, this time.
But, I cannot lie. ECT, really helped me years ago, but, still, I am terrified. Prayers, please.
I recently posted some information on my Facebook Page, that I had not mentioned in this blog.
I, recently, have been making plans to recieve Electro-Convulsive Therapy (formally referred to as "Shock Treatments"). I can't kick, this Depression, this anxiety, this paranoia.
I had this procedure done, many times, about 4 years ago,. However, I had a few bad experiences, at a nearby hospital. As a result, I gave up on ECT, then.
I remember, me, being pretty much out of consciousness, with a female nurse, shouting at me, when the procedure ended: "Christine! Breathe! Christine!!! Breathe!!!. The nurse later asked me, if I had Asthma. I replied: "Yes".
I also had 2 bad experiences, where, not enough anesthaesia was used. I remember, laying on the gurney, as they administered my Intro-Venous medicine. I shut my eyes, I tried to moves, and I was paralyzed, I tried to open my eyes and couldn't. I tried to breathe, and I couldn't. I tried to scream, then I finally passed out. This was the result of not enough anestaesia being used.
This time, I will be having ECT, in a World-Renowned hospital, in Boston. I like the Psychiatrist, who will be treating me. I feel more confident, this time.
But, I cannot lie. ECT, really helped me years ago, but, still, I am terrified. Prayers, please.
Sunday, July 12, 2015
#130
At my last visit to my Psychiatrist, she eliminated one type of antidepressant, and added a tranquilizer to take once a day. In some ways, I feel calmer. But it has been a long, rough stretch of time.
I am able to sleep now....THANK YOU LORD, and thanks are also due to psychiatric pharmaceuticals. I still have bad dreams almost every night, though.
I still have no appetitie though. I live on coffee, Coca-cola, or Pepsi-Cola, sometimes juice, an occasional bagel, with egg, bacon, and cheese, cookies, yogurt. I usually try to have dinner, and end up eating a small amount. I have lost 30 pounds, in this past year. I am also a diabetic.
My doctors do not consider my weight loss to be a problem, because I still weigh, 205 pounds. I gained a total of 100 pounds over the years, as a result of taking antipsychotics. And the weight is almost impossible to lose.
I have had a lot of grief and pain within, for quite awhile. Most of this is due to the damage and abuse that was afflicted on me by my father. He was cold as ice, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually, and then he cut off my contact with his children by his 2nd marriage, my half-siblings, finally he discarded me like I was a piece of trash.
It leaves an angry fire within my soul. I am a liberal Christian. The type of Christian who believes that you shouldn't hurt others. But there are times when I want to retaliate against my father, for scarring my soul, and taking my family away. Sometimes, I think that I will never have peace within, until he dies, and can't hurt anymore children and women.
I have had some anxious, weepy days, where I just can't leave my home. I have had some audio hallucinations, as well.
But I will continue praying.
I am able to sleep now....THANK YOU LORD, and thanks are also due to psychiatric pharmaceuticals. I still have bad dreams almost every night, though.
I still have no appetitie though. I live on coffee, Coca-cola, or Pepsi-Cola, sometimes juice, an occasional bagel, with egg, bacon, and cheese, cookies, yogurt. I usually try to have dinner, and end up eating a small amount. I have lost 30 pounds, in this past year. I am also a diabetic.
My doctors do not consider my weight loss to be a problem, because I still weigh, 205 pounds. I gained a total of 100 pounds over the years, as a result of taking antipsychotics. And the weight is almost impossible to lose.
I have had a lot of grief and pain within, for quite awhile. Most of this is due to the damage and abuse that was afflicted on me by my father. He was cold as ice, abusing me physically, emotionally, sexually, and then he cut off my contact with his children by his 2nd marriage, my half-siblings, finally he discarded me like I was a piece of trash.
It leaves an angry fire within my soul. I am a liberal Christian. The type of Christian who believes that you shouldn't hurt others. But there are times when I want to retaliate against my father, for scarring my soul, and taking my family away. Sometimes, I think that I will never have peace within, until he dies, and can't hurt anymore children and women.
I have had some anxious, weepy days, where I just can't leave my home. I have had some audio hallucinations, as well.
But I will continue praying.
Thursday, June 11, 2015
#129 Dear Lord........Written May 8, 1998
Dear Lord, when I am warmed, by Your Son, and the beauty of life, please hear my silent praises of
inner-peace and joy,
Dear Lord, when the night becomes dark, and I am alone, with only You, please enjoy my
thoughts, and hear my prayers,
Dear Lord, when I am lost in turmoil and grief, and wary of faith, please soothe my cries, hear my
pleas, and calm my soul,
Dear Lord, when I am overwhelmed with sadness, anger or terror, please hold my soul, and spend
these fearful moments with me, You are the One, I need most to guide me,
Dear Lord, when I feel joy, bliss and ecstacy, please spend these wonderful moments with me,
You are the One, I most want to spend them with.
inner-peace and joy,
Dear Lord, when the night becomes dark, and I am alone, with only You, please enjoy my
thoughts, and hear my prayers,
Dear Lord, when I am lost in turmoil and grief, and wary of faith, please soothe my cries, hear my
pleas, and calm my soul,
Dear Lord, when I am overwhelmed with sadness, anger or terror, please hold my soul, and spend
these fearful moments with me, You are the One, I need most to guide me,
Dear Lord, when I feel joy, bliss and ecstacy, please spend these wonderful moments with me,
You are the One, I most want to spend them with.
#128.....Life Can Be Torturous To Me
I have been feeling rather confused lately. I have had high anxiety, fear, depression. I have been hearing sounds, that just aren't real. I panic when I have audio halluncinations. I feel immence fear, becase I feel that my mind is fucking with me. Why wasn't I born with a healthy mind, Lord?
If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have. I keep having nightmares about him, his wife, and his other kids. So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately. I miss my half-siblings so much. My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him, risking her own children, and me, even though she knew he is a pedophile. She is no better than a pervert. She is protecting a pedophile.
Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father. A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me. I mourn for the father that I never had.
And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore. I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died. And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind. Life can be torturous to me.
If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have. I keep having nightmares about him, his wife, and his other kids. So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately. I miss my half-siblings so much. My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him, risking her own children, and me, even though she knew he is a pedophile. She is no better than a pervert. She is protecting a pedophile.
Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father. A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me. I mourn for the father that I never had.
And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore. I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died. And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind. Life can be torturous to me.
Friday, May 15, 2015
#127......Triggers, Triggers, Triggers
These last 2 weeks, have been torturous, for me., thanks to PTSD. I had been having a lot of nightmares about my father, and my ex, who thankfully, went back, to his home town, in Italy, after I was forced to get a Protective Order against my ex . Both my father, and my ex, abused me mentally, physically, and sexually. My half-sister's Birthday will be, in a few days also. Triggers, triggers, triggers.
I witnessed my half-sister, being molested, when I was 6 years old. She was just a toddler. I think that I stopped him, by saying "Daddy, I'm thirsty Can you get me drink now??" He got busted by a 7 tear old.
My state of mind, is depressed, severely anxious, terrified. I have been irritable, defensive, beligerant & basically, I don't give a shit about anything. I feel like telling, every person who tries to talk to me to, Shut The Fuck Up. My anger within, is so powerful at this time.
I have been having anxirty, depression, and excessive crying, & Panic Attacks. I cannot figure out where such severe responses came from. But some things, we will never find the amswer to.
I don't understand why, at almost 48 years old, that I can still crumble. My friends say that I am a very strong person, but I don't feel strong. I have attempted to end my life 3 times. The last time was in October, 2014. I had reached a point that I just couldn't go on.
Now, after 3 serious suicide attempts, I realize that I must have a purpous in life. Our sweet Lord, spared me. I think that this blog is my purpous in life.
I witnessed my half-sister, being molested, when I was 6 years old. She was just a toddler. I think that I stopped him, by saying "Daddy, I'm thirsty Can you get me drink now??" He got busted by a 7 tear old.
My state of mind, is depressed, severely anxious, terrified. I have been irritable, defensive, beligerant & basically, I don't give a shit about anything. I feel like telling, every person who tries to talk to me to, Shut The Fuck Up. My anger within, is so powerful at this time.
I have been having anxirty, depression, and excessive crying, & Panic Attacks. I cannot figure out where such severe responses came from. But some things, we will never find the amswer to.
I don't understand why, at almost 48 years old, that I can still crumble. My friends say that I am a very strong person, but I don't feel strong. I have attempted to end my life 3 times. The last time was in October, 2014. I had reached a point that I just couldn't go on.
Now, after 3 serious suicide attempts, I realize that I must have a purpous in life. Our sweet Lord, spared me. I think that this blog is my purpous in life.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
#126 .....I'm Just Not Feeling It
It has been over a year since my first hospitalization in March of 2014. I had lost 40 pounds of weight from not eating much of 2013. I hadn't had a good night's sleep in 2013. I'd go to bed, toss and turn, and get up by 3 in the morning. I became depressed, and psychotic, losing my desire to live.
I was hospitalized again in October of 2014, because, I felt my world come crashing in, again and I attempted suicide. I just could not go on anymore. It was a route, that no one should take.
Since these times, I have not been myself. I feel "just OK", on the good days. When my father's birthday came rolling in, February, depression started beating the Hell out of me.
Like many people with PTSD, I have "anniversary dates", that trigger me. My father's birthday, is just one of them.
If you have not read this blog before, my father is a sociopathic, homicidal,sadistic, violent, controlling abuser of women and children.
I often think about going into the details of his abuse, but it is crippling, just to think about, and remember. I can't force myself. Some things may have slipped out, in my blog, over the years, but,
as they say, at this time..... I'm just not feeling it.
I was hospitalized again in October of 2014, because, I felt my world come crashing in, again and I attempted suicide. I just could not go on anymore. It was a route, that no one should take.
Since these times, I have not been myself. I feel "just OK", on the good days. When my father's birthday came rolling in, February, depression started beating the Hell out of me.
Like many people with PTSD, I have "anniversary dates", that trigger me. My father's birthday, is just one of them.
If you have not read this blog before, my father is a sociopathic, homicidal,sadistic, violent, controlling abuser of women and children.
I often think about going into the details of his abuse, but it is crippling, just to think about, and remember. I can't force myself. Some things may have slipped out, in my blog, over the years, but,
as they say, at this time..... I'm just not feeling it.
Monday, March 23, 2015
#125......Trying To Write Again
Forgive me for not writing in a while. Since my illnesses of Schizoaffective disorder, Panic Disorder, & Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have struck me, again, in March, 2014, I have not been the same. I go through some content passages, but I always end up feeling out of place, with periods of long sleep, lack of eating, crying, panicking, anger, fear, confusion, depression....need I go on?
One of my greatest achievements, is this blog, "My Uncomfortable Mind". When I can't write, I feel like a loser, a failure. I am much too judgemental about myself. When I do write, I feel that a lot of angst, is released through my soul. I also learn a lot about myself.
My father's birthday was about 2 weeks ago. I have thought a lot about my father, mostly negative experiences. My father struck me as cold. In truth, the crimes that he committed, make him despictable.
I want to know when he dies. I will feel so relieved. He will no longer sexually molest, beat, emotionally abuse children and women. He's not a big man, but he had the ability to break your soul.
It has been over 6 weeks since I wrote the first paragraph, of this blog entry. I am having issues...still, communicating to my readers. My mood has been so-so...that's the best way to put it.
I am still having bad dreams, that haunt my thoughts throughout the day. I dream about my father a lot. I dream about, my ex, who used to beat me. The closet doors of my mind, have opened up...again...
One of my greatest achievements, is this blog, "My Uncomfortable Mind". When I can't write, I feel like a loser, a failure. I am much too judgemental about myself. When I do write, I feel that a lot of angst, is released through my soul. I also learn a lot about myself.
My father's birthday was about 2 weeks ago. I have thought a lot about my father, mostly negative experiences. My father struck me as cold. In truth, the crimes that he committed, make him despictable.
I want to know when he dies. I will feel so relieved. He will no longer sexually molest, beat, emotionally abuse children and women. He's not a big man, but he had the ability to break your soul.
It has been over 6 weeks since I wrote the first paragraph, of this blog entry. I am having issues...still, communicating to my readers. My mood has been so-so...that's the best way to put it.
I am still having bad dreams, that haunt my thoughts throughout the day. I dream about my father a lot. I dream about, my ex, who used to beat me. The closet doors of my mind, have opened up...again...
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
#124.....Please Lord, Let Me Write
My Dearest Lord,
I think that I am in need of your assistance. It has become quite a struggle to write, It's also become very quirky.
My fingers are a bit twitchy, no doubt, the result of anti-psychotic medications that I must ingest.
My brain is affected. I often think one word, yet write another word. I often think one word, yet speak another word.
It has been over 3 months, since I attempted to end my life. Emotionally, I am confused. Part of me wishes that I could have gone to Heaven. Part of me feels ashamed at what I have done to myself, & how it affected others. I feel a bit flat, but happiness, is approaching, I feel.
Please, Lord, don't let me lose my ability to write.
.
I think that I am in need of your assistance. It has become quite a struggle to write, It's also become very quirky.
My fingers are a bit twitchy, no doubt, the result of anti-psychotic medications that I must ingest.
My brain is affected. I often think one word, yet write another word. I often think one word, yet speak another word.
It has been over 3 months, since I attempted to end my life. Emotionally, I am confused. Part of me wishes that I could have gone to Heaven. Part of me feels ashamed at what I have done to myself, & how it affected others. I feel a bit flat, but happiness, is approaching, I feel.
Please, Lord, don't let me lose my ability to write.
.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
#123.....Trying To Heal
I'm really struggling, to write this blog. I feel like I'm pushong a giant boulder, uphill.. I simply do not know what to write.
Before, most of my blog entries, just oozed out of my soul. New Psychiatric medications have found me with twitching fingers, spelling wrong letters. I am also having trouble with comprehension, meaning, I have to read sentances over and over.
I am starting to do better, I do not have paranoia, or auditory halluciations, lately. I am sleeping very well now, which has significantly helped my state of mind. I have been having negative dreams every night, however they are not nightmares. I still feel sensitive and vulnerable inside. And I have no appetite.
I have a bit of a ways to go, but I feel optimistic.
Before, most of my blog entries, just oozed out of my soul. New Psychiatric medications have found me with twitching fingers, spelling wrong letters. I am also having trouble with comprehension, meaning, I have to read sentances over and over.
I am starting to do better, I do not have paranoia, or auditory halluciations, lately. I am sleeping very well now, which has significantly helped my state of mind. I have been having negative dreams every night, however they are not nightmares. I still feel sensitive and vulnerable inside. And I have no appetite.
I have a bit of a ways to go, but I feel optimistic.
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