My husband, took me away to The Berkshires, in Massachusetts, for our vacation.  We stayed in a little log cabin, in a state park, in the middle of the forest, with electricity, a wood stove, and no indoor plumbing in our cabin.  We were right in the middle of Bear Country.

     The first night was hard for me, because, I worried about bears breaking into our little cabin.  And in the darkness, my mind wandered, back to when I was a little girl, when horrible things, occurred in the darkness.  Things, I still cannot talk about in detail.  Crimes committed by my own father.  No matter how I try, I don't think that I will ever forget it.

      The day time however, was just bliss.  My husband cooked meals over the fire for us, the food was incredible.  He took me for long drives through the mountains.  We went to Yankee Candle, where I made my own candle.  I bought moccasins, at a Native American store, also.  They are so well-made and comfortable on my feet. 

      We visited a couple of working farms also, where I made friends with calves, and purchased real maple syrup.

       What was most wonderful, was that I got to spend days alone with my husband, with no television, no telephone or internet interruptions.  

       I came back feeling more refreshed than I had in years, decades even.   I would fully recommend a vacation in the woods, if so needed.  

                                                                                                                                                      

      

     It has been over 2 weeks since I have written, in my blog, so, I decided, that I should let you all know, that I am alive and well.  It's about time, right?  
     In truth, I haven't lost any interest, in writing, it's just that I have to feel inspired to write.  Which means, that I usually have something pressing on my mind, or there is something that I want to share.
      Lately, life has been quiet, which is good, if you ask me.  I have been working at my job, but I'm not doing much volunteer work right now, because there isn't much work for me there, in the summer.  Work has been fairly satisfying.  It's a physical job, one that a much younger person should be doing, but it's a great work out.   Sometimes, I wonder what else I could do for work, but for now, I am comfortable at my job.
      I have been spending lots of time, with several friends, and it has been wonderful.  When I was younger, I didn't have many friends, I just didn't feel worthy of friends.  I didn't believe that I was a great person.  Just last night, my husband said to me:  "Chrissy, you have the biggest heart.  You even talk to and care about the people, that other people don't bother with".  It's still hard for me to feel worthy, at times.  But having wonderful, supportive friends has given me such confidence within.
      My health is pretty good these days.  My asthma, is finally under control.  Mentally, I am doing really well.  My mood is pretty even. I do not feel depressed at this time.  I do not feel paranoid lately, and I have not had auditory hallucinations in awhile.  I am more than happy and grateful for this progress.
      My marriage is going wonderfully, as well.  It is amazing what a little sanity can do for a marriage.  And I will always be thankful for the awesome, supportive man that I married.

    Many years ago, when my soul was lost, God spoke to me.  You may find this hard to believe.  Even I found it to be quite amazing.
     I don't remember where I was, or what I was doing, at that moment, when God spoke, because I was so shocked, but His message to  me, was "Have strength".  Because of this special moment, in my life, I have a lot of faith in God.
     I have had a couple of interesting comments recently, made by friends, regarding my faith in God.
     One woman, who is a born-again Christian, told me that I could not possibly have heard the voice of God, that it must have been an invasive spirit, that spoke to me. She tried to tell me, that this message was not in accordance, with what the Bible says, so therefore it could have been the devil, who spoke to me.
      Another friend, who is an atheist, tried to tell me that the voice, that I heard, came from within my own mind, that it wasn't the voice of God.  He said that religion was a crutch for the weak.
       There have been times when I have hallucinated, when I have been delusional, but I will NEVER question the voice of God, that I heard.
       Why is it so hard for people to accept, that even me, a person with problems, PTSD, and Schizoaffective Disorder, would be spoken to by God?
        Finally, I talked to my Pastor Judy about it.  And she told me, that since "Have strength", was such a positive message, that it was undoubtedly, the voice of God, who reached out to me, in such a time of need.
        I am not trying to say, that I am super-special, because God has spoken to me.  I am just trying to say, that it is not fair, or nice, of anyone to question my faith, and tell me that I am wrong.  And I am far from weak for having Christianity in my life.  I am, in fact the strongest person that I know.
     

     My bronchitis is gone now, and I am able to breathe easier now.  But, still after months, I struggle every night, just to stop tossing & turning, and get a couple of hours of sleep.  Last night I slept for about 3 hours, the night before, I slept just 2 hours.  I feel drained and sad and moody.
      But, I also came to a strong realization today.  There were times in my life, that I was so tormented, so depressed, so psychotic, so paranoid, so delusional, so angry, so isolated, so desperate for happiness and love and peace.
      Now, there is a lot more happiness, and love and peace.  Even though there are days where I feel shitty, for the most part, its been so wonderful.
      I also realized today, that my happiness, is the results of my own actions.  I have been very pro-active in my psychiatric treatment and therapy, I have chosen an amazing partner for life, I chose to work at my job, I helped to pick out our place to live, I have chosen awesome friends, I chose to adopt our little deaf cat, I chose who had to be evicted from my life.
     In my younger years, I felt powerless, and made a million well-intended, but wrong decisions and choices.  I had no clue that I could contribute to changing it all.  I felt that my PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder, would some day lead, to my own self-inflicted death.
     I have to wonder if God has answered my prayers.  I know that relapse is inevitable, but maybe I will be able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, next time my life feels so impossible.
      Thank You, Lord.