I often wonder, if my life would be much bigger, bolder, braver, more successful, if I did not have PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder. I like to imagine myself as independant, and super powerful. But, I never really believe it.
People have told me, numerous times that I am amazing and brave. I just don't see it. I feel like a frightened lost little girl most of the time.
I have had several different occupations, however, it seemed that I couldn't hang on to a job. Every so often, I would just fall apart, ending up in the psychiatric ward. Most jobs that I had were intolerant of my illness or need to be out of work on a sick leave. Eventually, I would get squeezed out of my job.
When I was about 36, my psychiatrist felt that full-time work was too stressful for me, and told me to apply for disability insurance.
I go through periods of time where I feel so happy to be so free of depression, PTSD, & Schizoaffective disorder, but, it is always lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
When this happens, I often can't shake it off. I end up in the hospital.
Life, for me, is like a horrifying rollercoaster, up & down, up & down.
