I am feeling rather lost. About a week before Christmas, I began feeling so numb. I did not make a list, to send out Christmas cards, I did not make a list of people that I wanted to send gifts to.
I did help my husband with Christmas shopping for our nephew and nieces. Other than that, I bought several boxes of Christmas chocolates, and a shit-load of Yankee candles. I ordered, over the internet, clothes for my husband and my mother. My normal spirit of creative giving, wasn't really there.
I am falling into a Depression. As you probably know already, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder, which causes, in me, Depression, and often Psychosis, where I hear strange music, and my name being called frequently.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was caused. by all types of child abuse, by my sociopathic father. This causes, in me, deep fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
And I have Panic Disorder, which gives me severe anxiety, and panic attacks.
Every year, around the holiday season, I just fall apart. I often feel numb and paralyzed, neglecting things that I need to do.
I pray to God often, to take this internal Hell away, to hear my quiet, spiritual, soul screams.
I often, don't know how, I am going to get through life, like this.
I try to write, but I have not been as prolific as I would like to be. It helps to empty, some of the fears from my soul, whenever, I write in this blog.
I hope that some people, out there, would be able to relate to me, and find peace in knowing that they are not all alone in this big, blue world.
Please, Lord, hold me in Your loving arms, and take away, my fears. Amen.
Friday, December 30, 2016
Tuesday, December 6, 2016
#148.....Grief
It is now winter here, in New England, USA. This time of year, begs me to go to bed, by darkness. Maybe to escape, my own personal reality.
As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord. A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul. I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be. I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness. This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month. Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing. The tears are streaming, flowing easily. I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma. It all scares me. I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche. The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis. And I will, forever ache and pine for my father's children from his second wife. My brother and sister.
When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings. It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.
As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord. A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul. I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder. I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be. I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness. This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month. Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing. The tears are streaming, flowing easily. I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma. It all scares me. I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche. The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis. And I will, forever ache and pine for my father's children from his second wife. My brother and sister.
When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings. It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.
Thursday, November 3, 2016
#147....Father Forgiveness?!
I realized something, recently, that I hadn't thought of before. I realized, that I think of my father, every, single, day. I think of him despite the emotional, physical, and sexual abuse, and neglect, that he bestowed upon me. I still cannot believe that I have space, in my mind, that I give to him They say that as a Christian, I should forgive my father. But my Dear, Sweet Lord, I just cannot forgive him. I am traumatized within. I will never be the same.
Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts. I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years. In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations. At times over the years, I was over-medicated. I could not feel, for years..
When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men. I think that it was a father-figure issue. To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood. As someone, that I know said to me: "B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old. After that, it is only because of sexual favors".
I have not prayed for my father. But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children. I am not there to protect them, from my father's abuse. It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings. My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest. I just don't know how I can forgive someone so evil.
Honestly, it is amazing that, I, am still alive, despite my previous suicide attrmpts. I have finally developed a sense of survival, that I did not have in my earlier years. In years before, I was overwhelmed, having flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety, audio hallucinations. At times over the years, I was over-medicated. I could not feel, for years..
When I was about 19 or 20, my attention was always on older, professional men. I think that it was a father-figure issue. To this day it hurts, having been violated and later abandoned., by my own blood. As someone, that I know said to me: "B.A., only likes kids, until they are about 5 years old. After that, it is only because of sexual favors".
I have not prayed for my father. But I have prayed for my half-siblings and their children. I am not there to protect them, from my father's abuse. It has been 30 years since I have had a relayionship with my half-siblings. My father turned them against me, when I tried to save my sister.
They say, that forgiveness soothes your soul, puts your mind at rest. I just don't know how I can forgive someone so evil.
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
#146....My Life Is Like A Rollercoaster
I often wonder, if my life would be much bigger, bolder, braver, more successful, if I did not have PTSD, Panic Disorder and Schizoaffective Disorder. I like to imagine myself as independant, and super powerful. But, I never really believe it.
People have told me, numerous times that I am amazing and brave. I just don't see it. I feel like a frightened lost little girl most of the time.
I have had several different occupations, however, it seemed that I couldn't hang on to a job. Every so often, I would just fall apart, ending up in the psychiatric ward. Most jobs that I had were intolerant of my illness or need to be out of work on a sick leave. Eventually, I would get squeezed out of my job.
When I was about 36, my psychiatrist felt that full-time work was too stressful for me, and told me to apply for disability insurance.
I go through periods of time where I feel so happy to be so free of depression, PTSD, & Schizoaffective disorder, but, it is always lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
When this happens, I often can't shake it off. I end up in the hospital.
Life, for me, is like a horrifying rollercoaster, up & down, up & down.
People have told me, numerous times that I am amazing and brave. I just don't see it. I feel like a frightened lost little girl most of the time.
I have had several different occupations, however, it seemed that I couldn't hang on to a job. Every so often, I would just fall apart, ending up in the psychiatric ward. Most jobs that I had were intolerant of my illness or need to be out of work on a sick leave. Eventually, I would get squeezed out of my job.
When I was about 36, my psychiatrist felt that full-time work was too stressful for me, and told me to apply for disability insurance.
I go through periods of time where I feel so happy to be so free of depression, PTSD, & Schizoaffective disorder, but, it is always lurking around the corner, waiting to pounce on me.
When this happens, I often can't shake it off. I end up in the hospital.
Life, for me, is like a horrifying rollercoaster, up & down, up & down.
Sunday, September 18, 2016
#145.....Feeling Troubled
I am feeling sadness, and guilt, because, I have not written, in this blog, for months.
I consider, my, blog called "My Uncomfortable Mind", to be my biggest accomplishment in life.
It has been a rough summer. My husband and I, did, however, go hide away in a log cabin, off the grid. That was so therapeutic, no television , or telephone. We did have electricity, though, so we brought my computer, my husbands iPad, both filled with music, and a blue-tooth speaker.
I was ill with bronchitis for over a month, and this, really triggered my asthma. I can't say that I was cheerful at this time. Or even now.
But later, in the summer, I felt lonely, with just Julie, my deaf, beautiful feline, alone in the apartment, with me, for about 12 hours a day, until my husband got home.
Summer is a slow time at my church. I work there part-time. I feel like I am serving God, by working and volunteering at my church.. I am serving the Lord, no matter how huge or how small, the task is.
For most of this past summer, I felt tempermental. I have tried my hardest to be patient , with people, but I haven't been completely successful.
While I had bronchitis, I was sleepy, or wide awake coughing away. I kept vomitting or coughing so hard, that I urinated in my bed. I fell out of bed, at least once. I was having depression, and auditory hallucinations, mainly, strange, unbelievable music, and mindless chatter.
When I was a kid and young adult, I lived off of music, television, movies, books, basically mental stimulation. But now, in my middle age, aged 49, I prefer silence, and deep thought, and prayer, for hours at a time. Sometimes, my husband will try to talk with me in these troubled moments, and I desire, to tell him to "shut the ---- up".
I think that I am not completely well, from my illness, and that is a reason why I may be struggling, within. Please Lord, grant me strengh.
I consider, my, blog called "My Uncomfortable Mind", to be my biggest accomplishment in life.
It has been a rough summer. My husband and I, did, however, go hide away in a log cabin, off the grid. That was so therapeutic, no television , or telephone. We did have electricity, though, so we brought my computer, my husbands iPad, both filled with music, and a blue-tooth speaker.
I was ill with bronchitis for over a month, and this, really triggered my asthma. I can't say that I was cheerful at this time. Or even now.
But later, in the summer, I felt lonely, with just Julie, my deaf, beautiful feline, alone in the apartment, with me, for about 12 hours a day, until my husband got home.
Summer is a slow time at my church. I work there part-time. I feel like I am serving God, by working and volunteering at my church.. I am serving the Lord, no matter how huge or how small, the task is.
For most of this past summer, I felt tempermental. I have tried my hardest to be patient , with people, but I haven't been completely successful.
While I had bronchitis, I was sleepy, or wide awake coughing away. I kept vomitting or coughing so hard, that I urinated in my bed. I fell out of bed, at least once. I was having depression, and auditory hallucinations, mainly, strange, unbelievable music, and mindless chatter.
When I was a kid and young adult, I lived off of music, television, movies, books, basically mental stimulation. But now, in my middle age, aged 49, I prefer silence, and deep thought, and prayer, for hours at a time. Sometimes, my husband will try to talk with me in these troubled moments, and I desire, to tell him to "shut the ---- up".
I think that I am not completely well, from my illness, and that is a reason why I may be struggling, within. Please Lord, grant me strengh.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
#144....Life Has Been Tough For Me
It has been ages since I have written. Life has been tough for me. I should have used this as an oppurtunity to write. I just, haven't been myself.
I went to 4 funerals and memorials, in 2 months. The last memorial service was for an 8 year old child, killed in a freak accident. I felt overwhelmed by all of this death and tragedy surrounding me. I believe that even the strongest of people would have difficulty, in these situations.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and I just couldn't keep it together.
People panic, when they hear that I have auditory hallucinations. They think that I hear scary voices, telling me to harm others. For me, I tend to hear strange music, that I cannot describe. Sometimes I hear several voices, at once, chattering away, but I cannot figure out what they are saying. It is all a sign of stress for me. And it was triggered a few weeks back, scaring the Hell out of me.
I had a wonderful time, a couple of weeks later, visiting my mother, in another state, up north.
I did, however, spend a few nights coughing all night, and towards the end, I felt quite homesick, and left soon after.
My mother was concerned about my coughing, so she insisted that I see a doctor. So, I did...3 different times , and learned, that I have bronchitis, allergies and asthma, acting up. With the humidity and hot weather, they expect it to be awhile before I get well.
I finally got a home nebulizer, for my asthma, and I am feeling much better, at this point.
Yesterday, though, I felt sleepy, lethargic, and depressed, for no apparent reason.
Summers, typically, are very upsetting to me. I get a lot of sadness, panic, depression, basically from triggers from my past. Please help me, Lord, and all of those who suffer, like me.
I went to 4 funerals and memorials, in 2 months. The last memorial service was for an 8 year old child, killed in a freak accident. I felt overwhelmed by all of this death and tragedy surrounding me. I believe that even the strongest of people would have difficulty, in these situations.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, and I just couldn't keep it together.
People panic, when they hear that I have auditory hallucinations. They think that I hear scary voices, telling me to harm others. For me, I tend to hear strange music, that I cannot describe. Sometimes I hear several voices, at once, chattering away, but I cannot figure out what they are saying. It is all a sign of stress for me. And it was triggered a few weeks back, scaring the Hell out of me.
I had a wonderful time, a couple of weeks later, visiting my mother, in another state, up north.
I did, however, spend a few nights coughing all night, and towards the end, I felt quite homesick, and left soon after.
My mother was concerned about my coughing, so she insisted that I see a doctor. So, I did...3 different times , and learned, that I have bronchitis, allergies and asthma, acting up. With the humidity and hot weather, they expect it to be awhile before I get well.
I finally got a home nebulizer, for my asthma, and I am feeling much better, at this point.
Yesterday, though, I felt sleepy, lethargic, and depressed, for no apparent reason.
Summers, typically, are very upsetting to me. I get a lot of sadness, panic, depression, basically from triggers from my past. Please help me, Lord, and all of those who suffer, like me.
Thursday, June 16, 2016
#143....Rev. Jena, Our Angel For everyone who loves Rev. Jena Roy
I am writing this blog entry at about 1:40 in the morning. Usually when I write, I listen to music, specifically, The Moody Blues. Not this time.
I have been sitting in relative silence except for the sound of the fan, and my sweet, deaf cat's snoring beside me. I have been thinking about Rev. Jena, for the last 4 hours, and how she impacted my life.
Up until this point, everytime I thought of Jena, I cried. She was a remarkable, wonderful, spiritual person.
I can't tell you with accuracy, when we met. The years have been rather rough on me, with, numerous visits to psychiatric hospitals, for treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Panic Disorder I was prescibed almost lobotomizing medications, I experienced Electro-Convulzive Therapy (shock treatments), many times. All of this contributed to memory loss, over the years. I would give anytthing, to remember my times with Jena.
What I can tell you, is that Jena never judged me, for my illlnesses, she visited me, prayed with me, and sent me notes when I was in the hospital She always had a great hug for me and my husband, Frank. She told me that she loved me, and referred to me as "Sweet Christine".
My heart broke, when she told me that she didn't want to die. Honestly, I didn't quite know what to say, but I replied "Jena, you're going to Paradise" Jena said: "I know", and we talked about how all those, that she'd loved and lost, human and animal, would be waiting to see her again.
Rev. Jena was just 49 years old, and died from the horrible disease of cancer. I think about her children, which are only in theire early twenties, and still need their Mom. Peolpe have mentioned that they were concerned for me, over Jena's passing. I am hurting, like all of us who knew Jena are.
I feel blessed that she was in my life. I felt blessed to attened her Ordinaition. I was, in some way blessed to be able to see her one last time, I was blessed to be her friend. Rest In Peace, Jena,
I have been sitting in relative silence except for the sound of the fan, and my sweet, deaf cat's snoring beside me. I have been thinking about Rev. Jena, for the last 4 hours, and how she impacted my life.
Up until this point, everytime I thought of Jena, I cried. She was a remarkable, wonderful, spiritual person.
I can't tell you with accuracy, when we met. The years have been rather rough on me, with, numerous visits to psychiatric hospitals, for treatment of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Schizoaffective Disorder, Panic Disorder I was prescibed almost lobotomizing medications, I experienced Electro-Convulzive Therapy (shock treatments), many times. All of this contributed to memory loss, over the years. I would give anytthing, to remember my times with Jena.
What I can tell you, is that Jena never judged me, for my illlnesses, she visited me, prayed with me, and sent me notes when I was in the hospital She always had a great hug for me and my husband, Frank. She told me that she loved me, and referred to me as "Sweet Christine".
My heart broke, when she told me that she didn't want to die. Honestly, I didn't quite know what to say, but I replied "Jena, you're going to Paradise" Jena said: "I know", and we talked about how all those, that she'd loved and lost, human and animal, would be waiting to see her again.
Rev. Jena was just 49 years old, and died from the horrible disease of cancer. I think about her children, which are only in theire early twenties, and still need their Mom. Peolpe have mentioned that they were concerned for me, over Jena's passing. I am hurting, like all of us who knew Jena are.
I feel blessed that she was in my life. I felt blessed to attened her Ordinaition. I was, in some way blessed to be able to see her one last time, I was blessed to be her friend. Rest In Peace, Jena,
Tuesday, May 24, 2016
# 142 My Unintentional Break From Writing
I think that, I should have written in this blog, quite some time ago, however, circumstances, did not permit
I was really phsically ill, with vomitting, nausea, coughing, and lung pain. It was an on and off thing. I went to the doctor's several times, and spent several hours in the Emergency Room of a nearby hospital., I was very sick, some days, Some days I wasn't as sick. Honestly, throughout this time, I didn't feel quite right.
I have asthma, and my lungs are suseptable to bronchitis, and bronchilitis. During these times I feel major pain in my lungs, and breathing is difficult. I can't take prednisone, which is the prefferred drug of choice by doctors. But prednisone gives me crazy, scary thoughts.
I have diabetes, so, it really doesn't help, if you can't eat.. Honestly, I dont know how I survive on my lack of appetite. It seems that I live on coffee and Coca-Cole, with an occasional meal at dinner time.
I felt down a lot of this time. I missed several days at my job, My body and my mind were imbalanced because I couldn't eat much, and I felt like shit.
Basically, I had no ambition to write. It happens when mental illness strikes
I was really phsically ill, with vomitting, nausea, coughing, and lung pain. It was an on and off thing. I went to the doctor's several times, and spent several hours in the Emergency Room of a nearby hospital., I was very sick, some days, Some days I wasn't as sick. Honestly, throughout this time, I didn't feel quite right.
I have asthma, and my lungs are suseptable to bronchitis, and bronchilitis. During these times I feel major pain in my lungs, and breathing is difficult. I can't take prednisone, which is the prefferred drug of choice by doctors. But prednisone gives me crazy, scary thoughts.
I have diabetes, so, it really doesn't help, if you can't eat.. Honestly, I dont know how I survive on my lack of appetite. It seems that I live on coffee and Coca-Cole, with an occasional meal at dinner time.
I felt down a lot of this time. I missed several days at my job, My body and my mind were imbalanced because I couldn't eat much, and I felt like shit.
Basically, I had no ambition to write. It happens when mental illness strikes
Monday, March 14, 2016
#141
I, had been travelling through life, OK,.. Or,.It least, that is what I had told myself, lately.
Mental illness and PTSD, have fooled me many, times. I didn't know that things were going wrong. I felt somewhat numb.
It was my husband, who told me, that I was going through psychiatric discomfort, recently. My husband is amazing. He can pick up my behaviors amd tics, right away, and know, that I am going through HELL..
Still, I cannot help, feeling scared, sometimes terrified.
Mental illness and PTSD, have fooled me many, times. I didn't know that things were going wrong. I felt somewhat numb.
It was my husband, who told me, that I was going through psychiatric discomfort, recently. My husband is amazing. He can pick up my behaviors amd tics, right away, and know, that I am going through HELL..
Still, I cannot help, feeling scared, sometimes terrified.
Wednesday, March 2, 2016
#140...Will The Anger Within Me Ever Die?
I am mostly easy going, kind, gentle, intelligent. But within me, there is a lot of anxiety, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of sorrow, a lot of frustration, and a lot of anger.
I have mentioned this, at points in this blog, that my father abused me, and my half sister and half brother, in a very sick way.
In my late teens, I felt compelled to help my half sister, and I told her what happened to me. My father found out and cut off all contact that I had with my half siblings.
I think that the loss of my half siblings was worse than the abuse, that I endured, at my father's hands. It has been over 30 years since I have had a relationship with them.
Last, I heard, my half brother , said that my claims were "bullshit". My half sister tried writing to me, until our father told her " that she would never see her mother again, if she kept writing to me".
I don't have any other siblings. How do I resolve this heartbreak?
I thought that I was doing alright, but my husband knows me very well, and told me, that I was having problems, that I was thinking of my father and my half siblings a lot.
I have mentioned this, at points in this blog, that my father abused me, and my half sister and half brother, in a very sick way.
In my late teens, I felt compelled to help my half sister, and I told her what happened to me. My father found out and cut off all contact that I had with my half siblings.
I think that the loss of my half siblings was worse than the abuse, that I endured, at my father's hands. It has been over 30 years since I have had a relationship with them.
Last, I heard, my half brother , said that my claims were "bullshit". My half sister tried writing to me, until our father told her " that she would never see her mother again, if she kept writing to me".
I don't have any other siblings. How do I resolve this heartbreak?
I thought that I was doing alright, but my husband knows me very well, and told me, that I was having problems, that I was thinking of my father and my half siblings a lot.
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
#139...Remarkable Broad
Recently, I went to see my physician for a physical. During my physical, Dr. K. said to me:
"I just want you to know, that you are extremely intelligent I don't think that you realize how intelligent you are." "Really?" I said. "Yes", Dr. K. said. "How do you know this?" I said. Dr. K. said "I have been your doctor for at least 15 years." "As a doctor, I have met a lot of people, but you are one of the most intelligent, that I have met."
"Don't ever sell yourself short", she said. "You have had a lot of ups and downs in your life, but you always pull yourself up and out of it." Then she said: "You are one remarkable broad".
Dr. K.'s compliment was one of the best that I have ever heard. It moved me to tears, in fact.
Dr. K. was scheduled to retire, the day after I saw her. I am missing her, so much.
"I just want you to know, that you are extremely intelligent I don't think that you realize how intelligent you are." "Really?" I said. "Yes", Dr. K. said. "How do you know this?" I said. Dr. K. said "I have been your doctor for at least 15 years." "As a doctor, I have met a lot of people, but you are one of the most intelligent, that I have met."
"Don't ever sell yourself short", she said. "You have had a lot of ups and downs in your life, but you always pull yourself up and out of it." Then she said: "You are one remarkable broad".
Dr. K.'s compliment was one of the best that I have ever heard. It moved me to tears, in fact.
Dr. K. was scheduled to retire, the day after I saw her. I am missing her, so much.
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