I attended my Nana's wake and funeral this past week.  I am left with a variety of emotions.    
     I am heartbroken at the loss of my grandmother, we had a lot of interesting years together, she was an essential part of my life.  But it was a complicated relationship.
    I am relieved that Nana is in Heaven, now, and no longer suffering from Alzheimer's and congestive heart failure.  I no longer worry about her.  Even though she was well-taken care of, I still worried, knowing, that my Nana's end of life, was approaching quickly.  Two days before Nana died, I had a feeling that she was going to die, within a few days.  I didn't trust my inner voice, I shrugged it off, thinking: "How could I possibly know such a thing?".  Was that God telling me that Nana was going to join Him?
     At the wake I was held strong and did not cry.  My wonderful friend, Michele, attended the wake with my husband, and I.  With them, I was able to hold my head high, when my father and step-mother approached me with a "Hi, Chris", and an "I'm sorry about your Nana".  I said "Hi", and "Thank you", and nothing else.  After all, if I said what was on my mind, it would have destroyed the sacredness of my grandmother's wake.
    I haven't had a relationship with my father and step-mother in 26 years, after I outed my father for abusing me, when I was a little girl.  I did it to protect my half-siblings from our father.  I haven't seen them in 27 years because he turned them against me. It nearly killed me from heartbreak.  It seems that only my aunt, who was also abused by my father, believes it.  Nana knew that I was telling the truth but wanted  "our little family" back together, wanted me to forgive and forget.  If only I could.
    At the funeral though, my feelings came out as I cried for Nana.  I said nothing to my father and nobody asked why we weren't associating with each other.  In truth, I had a fleeting moment where I wanted to take the chair in front of me, and smash it over my father's head.  But I didn't, I took the high road and took comfort, in the fact, that he now looked like a little old man, and would probably be dead soon.  I just hope that he doesn't molest any more children.
    I also feel free now.  I have closed a chapter in this tale.  I never have to see my father again.