#128.....Life Can Be Torturous To Me

     I have been feeling rather confused lately.  I have had high anxiety, fear, depression.  I have been hearing sounds, that just aren't real.  I panic when I have audio halluncinations.  I feel immence fear, becase I feel that my mind is fucking with me.  Why wasn't I born with a healthy mind, Lord?
    If you have been following this blog, you probably know about the homocidal, pedophile. father, that I used to have.  I keep having nightmares about him, his wife,  and his other kids.  So I end up thinking of them a lot, lately.  I miss my half-siblings so much.  My father can rot in Hell. So can his wife, My stepmother, stayed with him,  risking her own children, and me, even though she  knew he is a pedophile.   She is no better than a pervert.   She is protecting a pedophile.
      Still, I wish that I could have had a wonderful father.  A father who didn't beat me, emotionally abuse me, sexually molest me.  I mourn for the father that I never had.
    And of course I'd love to see my half-brother and half-sister, again, though my hopes are dismal.
My heart broke when my father wouldn't allow us contact with eachother, anymore.  I mourned hard. It was like my half-siblings had died.  And it hurt, that my father threw me away like a piece of trash, even though he was a terrible father.
     Please Lord, help me come to some peace of mind.  Life can be torturous to me.