#133 Feeling Triggered

     There are times, when I feel down, depressed, overwhelmed and I have absolutely nothing that I can do, or want to do.   On these days, I watch a fair amount of television, often talk shows,
      Well, late last week, and today, a famous Psychologist, whom I adore, with his own television program, brought up, two different  episodes about children who were sexually exploited.
     Part of me was drawn to watch, desperate to learn something new, to heal my own heart.  Part of me was shaken up, devastated by details that I was hearing.  I couldn't watch the full episodes of  either of these shows.
      I feel triggered...like my feelings are triggered, set off, like a bomb.  One little thing, reminds you of your traumatic past, and you want curl up in a ball and cry, sometimes you want to die.
     In case, you have missed my past information, I was sexually abused as a child and young adult by 6 different males, even my own father.   Yes, it's been a traumatic path.
     I have been thinking about my father and his family a lot., lately.  Sometimes I wish that I had a loving, supportive father.   But, I don't. Mine is a sick, perverted, homicidal, psychopath.  My mind, desperately searches for memories of him, where he was kind to me.  As much, as I try, it doesn't happen.
     Instead, I am often just  upset, by the awful memories that do slip out, in thoughts and dreams.
If I had only Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, or Panic Disorder, or Schizoaffective Disorder, I might find things a little more manageable.  But  ALL OF THEM?!  It's beyond me, how I get by, day-to-day.  But, honestly, there are good days (with the help of psychotherapy, support groups, and modern pharmaceuticals).