I am feeling rather lost. About a week before Christmas, I began feeling so numb. I did not make a list, to send out Christmas cards, I did not make a list of people that I wanted to send gifts to.
I did help my husband with Christmas shopping for our nephew and nieces. Other than that, I bought several boxes of Christmas chocolates, and a shit-load of Yankee candles. I ordered, over the internet, clothes for my husband and my mother. My normal spirit of creative giving, wasn't really there.
I am falling into a Depression. As you probably know already, I battle Schizoaffective Disorder, which causes, in me, Depression, and often Psychosis, where I hear strange music, and my name being called frequently.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which was caused. by all types of child abuse, by my sociopathic father. This causes, in me, deep fear, flashbacks, nightmares, and intrusive thoughts.
And I have Panic Disorder, which gives me severe anxiety, and panic attacks.
Every year, around the holiday season, I just fall apart. I often feel numb and paralyzed, neglecting things that I need to do.
I pray to God often, to take this internal Hell away, to hear my quiet, spiritual, soul screams.
I often, don't know how, I am going to get through life, like this.
I try to write, but I have not been as prolific as I would like to be. It helps to empty, some of the fears from my soul, whenever, I write in this blog.
I hope that some people, out there, would be able to relate to me, and find peace in knowing that they are not all alone in this big, blue world.
Please, Lord, hold me in Your loving arms, and take away, my fears. Amen.
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