#148.....Grief

     It is  now winter here, in New England, USA.   This time of year, begs me to go to bed, by darkness.   Maybe to escape, my  own personal reality.
     As a child, I would never admit to it, but I secretly loved going to sleep, before total nightfall.
I would get tucked into bed, and then I would pray, to our wonderful Lord.  A lot of the time, I prayed for peace within my soul.  I knew, as a very young child, I knew that there was something "wrong" with me,
    As you probably know, by now, that I am a warrior against, my Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Panic Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder.  I can't even begin to explain, how horrifying my life can be.  I often feel like a helpless little child, screaming within my soul, begging for the presence of The Lord.
    Lately, like every winter, I have been bombarded with physical illness.  This physical illness, leads to mental confusion, chaos and fear within my soul.
    I had a bad bout of bronchitis, and asthma, which lasted a month.  Lately, I have been suffering with intestinal distress, vomiting, runny nose, sneezing, coughing.   The tears are streaming, flowing easily.  I have been having sharp pains in my lungs from asthma.  It all scares me.  I am realizing, that physical illness, deeply affects, the psyche.  The weakness, within the body, causes weakness within the brain.
     I still think of my pedophile father, on a daily basis.  And I will, forever ache and  pine for my father's children from his second wife.  My brother and sister.
     When my father realized that I remembered his sexual assaults on me, he cut off, all contact. that I had of my siblings.   It has been over 30 years that I have had them in my life.
    Please, Lord, let me have my brother and sister, back in my life.