Admittedly, I have numerous fears in life, real and unreal. One of my biggest fears is rejection. Rejection, has happened to me a countless number of times, in my 47 years, here on Mother Earth, with strangers, with friends, and even with close relatives.
When it has happened, I feel as if a dagger, has been driven through my heart. I feel devastated, lost, rejected, heartbroken, less than human, utterly worthless. It makes me think about ending my life here, on this Earth. When I recover from this grief, I feel untrustworthy, of any new person in my life.
Why, does this rejection happen? Honestly, I'm still working on figuring that out. I am realizing, that mainly, it is due to ignorance, about mental illness. People have such deep fears, mostly irrational fears of people like me.
Just like others with mental illness, I look "normal". You would never guess, by having a conversation with me, that I struggle, with inner Hell, at times. And I feel, just as deeply, as the next person.
So, what's up with me, you may wonder? When I tell people that I have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, they ask how I got it. I tell them that it came from both childhood and domestic abuse, and people usually accept it.
When I tell people that I have Panic Disorder, people usually know of someone, in their family or circles, who also has it. That disorder is usually accepted by people, as well.
When I told people, 2 decades ago, that I suffered from depression, I remember being shunned by several people. But a lot has changed in 2 decades, people are becoming more open-minded of mood disorders.
But, when people hear that I have Schizoaffective Disorder, it is a whole different "ballgame". When people hear that it entails a mood disorder, AND psychosis, which means hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia, their eyes become wide, their pupils become huge, their jaws drop, they often have no idea what to say to me. Their voices sound both pained and fearful.
And I am left, equally, as afraid as them....but afraid that I will lose their love, because of something that I can't help. Only 0.05% of the population had Schizoaffective...BUT that equals approximately, 1 in every 200 people. That is something, that all of us need to think about.
hey that the second time i m wrrinting on your blog. i don t read evrerything but i think i going to read a ,lot of what you wrote today. as i told you the last time there is solution for ptsd such as emdr (Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) or EFT (Emotionnal freedom technique) i tried this one and it worked !!! no more symptom anymore ....but just for a moment -_-' . but anyway i know some of the symtome of the ptsd, in my opinion it s like you re in a loop .
ReplyDeleteto be psychotic is not a desease it s a psychic contrcution such as nevrose or borderline (wich is a state between psychosis and nevrose) anyway let s say this construction (according to freud) is a crsital . when you have to many trauma ..... the cristal is going to broke in a certain way.
i read some of your post and between the trauma when you were a child and you re ex , it s a lot of trauma.
my point is you solves the trauma , the cristal is going to be "rebuild" even if it s a psychotic one, there is always hope to get better and you have the strenght to get better.
but damned i read once that you had bad thought about you re husband, and damnned you can t control it ( i speak for myslfet too). .
you re probably hoing to say "who is this guy , why does he want to help me , and he talking about cristal, stuff and psychotic construction and blablabla"
so why do i want to help ? cause i ve solution for myself and i just want to share. and when i found by myself that i ve a ptsd nobody try to cure it ( "ohhh noo you already have abilify it s enough") so i wish somebody helped me , i think that why i m doing this .