This is the beginning of my second week, at home, since being discharged from the hospital.  I had spent 5 days on the psychiatric ward.  Like most patients, I have needed this time at home, to become well again.  There is a fair amount of aftercare needed by doctor's and therapists, also.
     This morning, my husband took me into Boston, to meet with my psychiatrist and therapist.  My psychiatrist and I discussed my paranoia, last week.  She made a dosage increase, on a new antipsychotic, that I started taking, about 2 weeks ago.  We may even double this dosage, in time.  I also asked my psychiatrist, if I could go back to work this week.  Her response was a firm, solid "NO, That would be just crazy".
     I am feeling less paranoid, at this point, but I still feel very ill, emotionally.  Until a few weeks ago, I had been smiling and laughing a lot.  I had felt thankful, that my life was better in a lot of ways.  Life was not perfect, but it had been a couple of years, since my last hospitalization.
     Now, I am feeling a deep sadness, within my inner core, I am feeling defeated, I am feeling like a failure.  I am having nightmares almost every night, now that I am starting to sleep again.  I am eating only 1 meal a day, and I am a diabetic, so, this is not good.  My new antipsychotic, is making me feel very intoxicated in the morning, and seems to be slowing down my thoughts, and actions.
      Writing this blog, is very difficult now, because my thoughts are slower, and because I am not well. I have proofread this entry, at east 5 times, in the last 10 minutes, and I keep finding errors in spelling and punctuation. I will continue to try to write it, though.