I am happy to report that my muscle soreness has gone away, since eliminating my Lipitor, and lowering my Abilify. What a relief that is. I was able to go to work on Monday, and worked a six hour day with ease. Which pleased me tremendously. When I feel well, I love my job, even though it's a low skill supermarket job. But on the days I feel ill, I hate my job with a passion, mainly because I can't cope with being there. My emotional state is just OK, not great. A few months ago, I felt a lot of joy, so much that it surprised me. Now, I don't feel it so much, it has flown away. I can't say that I'm really living, even though I have been active, but I am simply existing. At least that's how my soul feels. Having Schizoaffective Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, are a real curse. I can't escape the Hell sometimes. But God-willing, I can use my life experiences to help other people. That is my goal in life.

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     I, am still not, feeling, my happiest.  I am still dragging along through life.  I feel irritable and quiet, detached from a lot of life.  I have been trying to remain active, even though, I don't want to be.  I want to curl up in bed and sleep, for however long, it takes until I feel better.
     Physical complications have arrived.  My Doctor thinks that I am having an allergic reaction to one of my medications.  I have a rash in my inner thighs, and intense muscle soreness.  My cholesterol drug was eliminated because my  Doctor thinks, that it is the culprit.  But one of my antipsychotic/antidepressant's dosage was lowered, because one of the side-effects is muscle soreness.  If I don't feel better in a week, I may have to see a Rheumatology Doctor.
     I am worried about the dropping of the dosage in the psyche med, because I am feeling depressed.  I am worried about my performance at work this week, because I have such a physical job, and I am so uncomfortable and sore.
     But I will get through this somehow.

       I am struggling, less since my last blog entry, but I still feel "Blah".  In other words, I don't feel like doing anything.  Work seems harder, though I am getting through it, and my house is a mess.  But I don't really care at all, that's the sad part.  And I just don't have much to say.  I am much quieter now.  I miss my happy moments, I hope this Depression doesn't last much longer.

     Three days ago, I saw both my Psychiatrist, and my therapist, and they both agreed that I am Depressed.  I didn't fully realize it, until then, because I wasn't crying a lot, I wasn't at the point of wanting to jump off of a bridge, in other words, I wasn't in crisis mode.  I just have a lack of interest in anything.  So, my Psychiatrist increased one of my meds, and slowly my mood is lifting.
      We experienced a blizzard, last night, here in Massachusetts.  We got 28 inches.  The thought of all that snow sent me into panic mode, with me shouting:  "There's no way, you're getting me outside in that shit", to my husband.  But I'm trying to consider it, after all, the snow is beautiful to see.  I know that if my mind was in a happy state, I would be eager to witness the amazing effect of a New England Blizzard.  But right now, I just don't care.
       My therapist also pointed out to me, that I have a lot on my mind.  I am concerned about a couple of children in my family, because their parents are separating and causing a lot of drama and the children have conveyed to my husband and I, their unhappiness.  It's causing me to have nightmares.  All I can do is be there for them, try to offer my support.
       But, I wish that I was a Superhero.  Then I could save everyone from their trauma, and then, I wouldn't have PTSD and Schizoaffective Disorder.

     I have noticed, that something about me is not quite right.  My mood isn't too bad, but I am not as happy as I have been at times in the past.
     I used to wake up between 4 and 5 AM, every morning, active before the birds.  Now I fall asleep, every night, by 8 PM, and sleep up to 12 hours a night.
     I feel like I am dragging at work, my speed and enthusiasm have been reduced.
      We went to a Superbowl party and I felt overwhelmed and had to leave at half-time.
      So, I'm going to try to see my psychiatrist on Wednesday or at least talk to her on the phone.  We've made some medication changes, recently.  I think we need to make another change.  Like a car, I need to be fine-tuned.

     I am happy to report, that I am doing much better, since my last blog entry.  It took an increase in Abilify, a drug that works as an anti-psychotic, and also gives a boost to anti-depressants, and 6 days home from work, but today went smoothly.
      Today, was my first day back to work, and I was nervous going back, but it went well.  The people I work with were all very supportive of me, and I did not feel overwhelmed by my work.  I got a good amount of work done, and I was pleased by my performance.
     On the days, that I feel good, it feels like a God-given miracle.  I am happy to go to work, to interact with people, to be with those that I love.  I feel so thankful on these so-called "normal" days.  I feel like a little kid at Disneyworld on my happy days.  And I wonder if other people feel the same way, if healthy people have as much appreciation for ordinary days, as I do.
      The bad days are tough to live with.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, really shakes up your life with nightmares, flashbacks, recurring horrifying memories, etc.  Scizoaffective Disorder gives you a mood disorder, either Depression, or Bi-Polar Disorder, with Schizophrenic-type symptoms, like delusions, paranoia, hallucinations, etc.
       I, am, however getting stronger as the years go by.  I've been in psychotherapy and have been on medication for 26 years.  It's taken a long time to find the right medications.  And a long time to heal the trauma in my soul.
       But today, I have no complaints.  Today, I am just thankful.