My life was going beautifully, happily, well, and I was so thankful, so grateful for it.
      But this morning, I fell apart, crying for hours, for no obvious reason.  I guess that this must be the curse of Depression attacking me again.  It could also be the time of year, which usually distresses me.
      Part of me knows that I should be happy, that we are celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ, but the other part of me reminds me of the chaos, the financial burden, the trauma of childhood.
      I had to take a tranquilizer this morning, to calm me down and stop my tears, so that I could go to work.  I managed to get some work done, but I did not enjoy it, like I usually do, when I am happy.
      But it was good for me to go to work, and even though my heart feels heavy, I am not crying anymore.  I shared messages with wonderful, supportive friends on Facebook, and their love and support, lifted my spirits.  And tomorrow is another day.

     I went to church this morning.  It was a small victory.  I have only gone to church a handful of times, in over a year, for complicated reasons.  The reason that I had originally stopped going was because I became psychotic.  One day, sitting in my living room, I "felt the presence of Satan".  And I felt that if Satan could turn up with me, in my living room, then there must have been a good reason for it, and I did not belong in church, and I should not bring the Devil to church services, with me.  Yes, I know how troubling and insane that sounds.  Sadly, it was my reality, at the time.
    Thank God, over time, I got better, and no longer believed this delusion, but my soul was still unsettled, I didn't feel like I belonged at church, I didn't feel that I belonged anywhere, actually.  It was easy to make excuses not to go to church.  But yesterday, I felt that wonderful desire to go to church, so I went this morning.  And it touched my soul.
      When it came time for prayer requests, I had one in mind.  I wanted to raise my hand and say to the Pastor:  "I have a prayer of thanksgiving.  I want to thank God for giving me  peace of mind and happiness. This journey has been so difficult, but I know that I didn't travel it alone."  But I was too shy to voice this aloud, so I prayed silently, and couldn't stop the tears of joy.  I am so thankful, Lord.  Please don't let it slip away.
         

    It is now December, and winter is setting in both emotionally and environmentally.  It is so cold,  dark and cloudy here in New England, and I'm starting to feel it, deep within my soul.  The winter usually brings me the blues.  This year, so far, its been an easier journey than usual.  I just hope that it remains this way.
     The holidays also affect me emotionally.  Thanksgiving was difficult this year.  I went to my husband's family's house, and even though I have done it at least,15 previous times,  I still felt very uncomfortable.  I felt that I didn't belong there.  They are nice to me, but I don't feel like I fit in.
I don't know if it's me or them, but I feel like an outsider.  Of course, it doesn't help that I don't do well, in large groups of people.  I feel overwhelmed, if I'm with more that 6 or 7 people, at a time.  We spent 3 hours there, and I felt an overwhelming urge, to return very quickly to our little home.
      This year we, are going to Maine, for Christmas to be with my Mom.  It will be just my Mom, my husband, and me.  And I am so relieved.  No crowds, no chaos.  I am so happy about it.
       The past few days, I have been very irritable.  I have lost my temper and stormed off to bed twice.  I think that I am just overwhelmed at this time of year, and hopefully, it will pass.  I am also falling asleep around 7 PM almost every night because the sun goes down so early now.  I used to sleep most of our winter's away, but I don't want to do that this year.  But I can't complain much, so far, Thank God.

    It has been  weeks and weeks since my last blog entry.  My entries have been slowing down as my life triumphantly improves.  I'm still not sure how I feel about this.  I'd like to have the motivation to write more often, but I'm unsure what to write about, now that I am not writing about my inner pain.  I could start to write more about happiness, I suppose, but it's all so new to me.  I'm still not quite sure what to say.
    I am enjoying my happy life, but I'm afraid that it will disappear.  Let's face it, Schizoaffective Disorder is chronic and my chances of relapsing are very high. But I'm trying to stay positive.              
   Of course, there were times in the past when I felt happy, but these times were short-lived in comparison to now.  My present condition of happiness has been coasting along for quite a few months now.  No, these precious months have not been perfect, there were traumas and trials during them. But I survived them, without wanting to give up on life and bounced back.
    I have prayed and prayed to our sweet Lord, for a happy existence like this.  But I never dreamed that it would ever really happen.  It was, however, like climbing a huge mountain.  I had to work hard for decades through medication changes, psychotherapy, support groups, hospitalizations, and evicting unhealthy relationships with friends and family members from my life.           
     I was also extremely blessed to have some family and friends pray for me during my last serious bout of Depression.  I really believe that their prayers had an effect on me.
     There are presently, no adequate words to describe my thankfulness for this feeling within me. I must learn to fully embrace it and not fear my future.
     I will try to give more frequent updates in the future for those who read my blog.  If there is a topic that you would like me to discuss, please feel free to leave comments.  In the meantime, I will continue joyously coasting along in happiness.

     I am so, so very thankful that I didn't get caught too deeply in middle of Hurricane Sandy. God Bless the people and animals  that are suffering or have died
     I live near Boston, Massachusetts, but I was in Williamsburg, Virginia at the time.  It was raw, cold, rainy, and windy. I was confined to our hotel room during the days, because everything was closed.  But our room was spacious, comfortable, warm, and had working electricity, which meant, cable TV.  I was a bit stir crazy and anxious because I was in a strange place, in a hurricane, but I coped well, and tried to relax as much as I could.  Frank, my husband, was attending a conference, so I was alone all day.  That was hard for me.  Part of me is afraid of being alone for lengthy amounts of time.  But I didn't panic.
    What I really wanted to do was venture into Colonial Williamsburg, on a sight-seeing exploration, but it was mostly closed.  It would have been a BIG step for me, to go far away, from home and explore some new place on my own.  I'd love to achieve that type of confidence. I've traveled in  buses, subways, trains, but never by myself in a strange city, yet I do it all the time in Boston.  And I've been flying on airplanes by myself since I was six years old.  But crowds, chaos, and big places overwhelm me.  I think it got worse when my Schizoaffective Disorder peaked.  Because of this, I almost never go to Walmart, either, lol.
     I'm very happy to be home now, safe and cozy in our apartment, with Julie Catkins, my deaf feline child, and my wonderful husband.  There really is, no place like home.    

Dear Readers of "My Uncomfortable Mind",
     I just want to say, Thank You, for taking time, out of your busy life, to read about my personal journey.  It means the world so me.  I can't believe how many readers there are, from many different countries.  The comments and support, that I have received have been wonderful.  Please feel free to share "My Uncomfortable Mind", because I want people to realize that living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder does not have to mean that its the end of the world.  A happier life can be achieved, especially if you have support.

                                                     Thank You Eternally,
                                                         Christine X.

     It has been over 3 weeks, since my last blog entry.....the time just rushes by.  So I wanted to give an update.
     At this point in my life, I am doing very well.  I feel happy, not depressed, which was rare for me.  It is such a great gift to feel happy and content, one of the best feelings in the world.
      I don't feel paranoid, like I had last winter, when I was fearful that I would be murdered in my home, by a stranger.  I can't begin to tell you how wonderful peace of mind is.
      I stopped hearing strange music and sounds that weren't really there.   I used to feel really scared when this used to happen and I would question my sanity.
      I don't feel suicidal anymore, now I really want to live and be happy. This is a true blessing.
      I still feel anxious sometimes, especially when I wake up in the morning, but it is not as severe as it used to be.  I still get overwhelmed in large stores, and crowds of people, but I can face both now.
     I think these changes came about for several reasons.  My medication was changed, and I'm still going through some medication changes, at this time.
      During my last hospitalization, I knew of at least 7 people who prayed for me, and I came out of the hospital in a pretty good state of mind.  I also had an epiphany, I think, after I came out of the hospital.  Basically my whole attitude suddenly changed, I decided that I would do everything in my power to be happy and to live a productive successful life.
      I started this blog, for people to see that living with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, and Schizoaffective Disorder doesn't have to mean the end of the world.  It's challenging as Hell, but it can be done, and its so rewarding.
     I'm not going to sugar-coat it, it is highly possible that I will relapse, but I have the strength now to climb out of that awful hole, and I think that as I learn to handle my illness and the problems in life, my relapses will be less frequent, and less severe.  Life just seems to get better and better everyday!  There really is hope!